Support Systems

I had a teacher in college who always said "to understand is to stand under" that's the kind of support my mom's group gave me. I say gave because we just don't fit in in a room full of new babies anymore. Riley needs room to play, crawl and sometimes even walk around. Mommy needs other people who are in the same place we are. I think this was our last visits. I still have the friends I made there and my wonderful lactation consultant that I can always call on. I guess things are just evovling. Riley's not the only one growing up. Today was Isaac's open house. His amazing teacher made this tri-fold brochure to explain the ABC's of her class. Every letter had a subject like C-communication, T-testing, etc. She had us all sit around our student's desk and there was a story on it "The Most Important Thing About My Dad." Isaac wrote a nice paragraph about his dad he even sounded out "compiutr programer" and drew a picture of Mike. There was also a wonderfully excited self portrait hanging on the wall and in the "My goal for second grade" area Isaac wrote about being "first class globe trotter" (the class' highest honor). He illustrated it with a picture of himself wearing a first place ribbon and saying "CCCCCCCCOOOOL!" with a thought bubble over his head where he was wearing a crown. Across the the top and bottom of the picture he sounded out the word achievement. Pretty impressive considering his writing and drawing efforts last year. A new teacher made all the difference. A better support system. I guess we all thrive with a little understanding.

Morning Off

Last week I negotiated a morning off. I asked Mike to get up with Riley on Sundays. I wanted him to physically get out of bed with her and give her breakfast and hang out with her so I could sleep in. The first time we tried it Progress Energy was having issues and after about 15min of the bed to myself the power was off and a drowsy Mike and concerned Riley were back in bed. Today it worked out much better. Mike got up with Riley at about 8am and fed her. When I woke up at 11 (WooHoo!) they were just comming home from Joanne's where they got some more supplies for the party. It was a really pleasant day after I got up. I felt really productive. I'm gonna like Sundays.

Independence in Degrees

Last night was night two in the crib for Riley. There was no tears for baby or mommy this time. She had a bath and got in jammies after dinner. She played until she was tired, nursed in my bed and Mike took her to the crib at 10pm.

After she fell asleep I laid in bed in the silence feeling overwhelming anxiety. After so long of having her with me it felt like an appendage was missing. I wanted to get up and check on her like I used to and I couldn't. I got really emotional. I'm been thinking a lot about my friend's baby who died a few months after her first birthday. Riley and I both made it through. She came back to bed with us from 6am-9am. We consider that "sleeping in" on a Saturday now. Phew.

It was a good thing we got some sleep because we had a busy day. Mike and I bought all the supplies for Riley's party so I got started on my hedgehog finger puppet favors. This was exciting because I've had "learn to sew" on my to do list for a while. It took me from 5ish hours to make the first one even with Mike's help.

When that was finished we headed off to the open house for my friend's new home day care. Riley wore her pretty purple dress and all of our favorite babies were there. They had a blast. All the babies laughed and played so well together. I was so happy to be there with all those happy babies. It was a great event.

However when I got home I cried. Maybe it was Riley growing up, maybe it was discussing my next surgery with all my friends, but I think it had more to do my friend "moving on" with her life when I can't. I'm so happy to have spent Riley's first year home with her, but I thought I would be able to gain more of a life of my own by now. I'm not saying full time career, but maybe part time (like teach a class or two) while Riley went to my friend's amazing new home daycare. Instead of a new chapter of independence for both of us I have surgery to look forward to.

Still hoping I'm on a river not a latter.

Back to the Crib

Deja Vu! I am exhausted and ready for the baby to sleep in her own bed. We did this when she was 2mo old. From 2mo-9mo she slept through the night in her own crib most nights. When she was 9mo I had surgery and she started coming to bed with me. I brought her to bed because I couldn't get her to/from the crib at first and then when she was sick I kept her in bed with me so I could get more sleep which ironically is the reason I'm kicking her out of my bed now. I was worried about sending her back to the crib and then going back to the hospital and her feeling abandoned or associating the crib with mommy disappearing. I asked about this at my mommy group and the wise words that answered me were "you look tired. You have to sleep to be ready for your hip surgery." Oh. yeah, me. I forgot about what's best for me again. Happy mom, happy baby. Sleep all round. Back to the crib! I was so anxious about re-transitioning her I kept rushing bedtime. I bathed her and put her in comfy jammies hours before it was time. As soon as she wanted to nurse I went into her nursery turned on the lullaby cd and the nightlight and started rocking her. It was too early she wanted to play. I tried putting her in her crib and she played in it. So we took her out turned on the light and put her on the floor with her toys to play. That's when we made the second mistake, Mike closed her door. She started screaming. I think she thought she was in trouble. Eventually we put her in the crib again, but now she was really upset. In the end I brought her into bed with us. I nursed her, calmed her down, and when she was asleep we put her in the crib. She slept from 9:30 to midnight and after a few minutes was back to sleep again until 4am. At 4am Mike brought her to me and I nursed her and changed her wet diaper but she refused to go back to sleep. Mike took her back into her room and rocked her and sung to her until 5am. Finally he put her in the crib and left the room. She screamed for a gut wrenching 10min. First she called Daddy and then Mama and finally she was screaming Baby(as in you forgot the baby). I watched the clock it was 10mins and then she laid down and slept. We survived even after all our mistakes. She spent the whole night in her crib.

The Before Life

If I close my eyes I can imagine it. I am single again. No one changes the radio station in my car. I work to pay the bills and audition to feel alive. Weekends are all potential. I can take spur of the moment trips and I do. I can dream about the future because it's wide open. I am free and independent and happy where I am. I don't have to discuss my decisions or argue with anyone but myself about spending money. I read a book a week. That was before, which was in the grand scheme of things not so long ago, but it's hard to imagine that I lived that lifetime before this one. Where is the moment when they touched? In that time I thought of a time like this as giving up. Where am I? I am certainly in a place where I hope that I am riding a river and not climbing a latter. I am tired of fighting. I fought for my dream in my before life. Now I fight to be able to function. I have always understood that I would fight my whole life, but I never thought about fighting all of someone else's life. I hope there's a time when the pain and the surgeries and uncertainty are beyond me. I hope there's a time when I can laugh about everything I went through when Riley was small. It's hard to imagine now. There is alot to be grateful for now in the midst of all the stress and healing, but I am not where I ever imagined I'd be. Maybe expectations are my problem. I remember crying myself to sleep in New York because I wasn't where I thought I'd be one year out of college. Now it is almost ten years and it's been quite an adventure. Almost none of it was what I expected. I wouldn't take any of it back, but sometimes I wish I could fast forward.

First Day of School

2nd grade!

He was excited going out the door and coming back in. He described his teacher as "the best." I agree. She sent home a class newsletter with her phone number, email and their class website. After a year of pulling teeth to communicate it was beyond refreshing. One of their first assignments was to put 5 objects in a bag that describe who they are. Isaac picked a family picture (proud big brother), Legos, his wireless computer mouse, a geode and a picture he drew of a time machine. I was smiling all day picturing a whole room of 2nd graders presenting their "me bags." It's gonna be a good year.

One on One Time

Isaac did not have good first grade year. I gave birth a few weeks in so I wasn't as involved as I was in kindergarten. The teacher was unquestionably overwhelmed and I suspected hormonal. A smart kid like Isaac who required a little more leg work to keep engaged was just an added stress. Also, concerned parents like us who wanted to be in frequent communication added to that. (I was right by the way she gave birth in August.) So, after an all too important summer of science camp keeping him engaged and too busy to dwell, second grade loomed. The school sent home the name of his teacher and the date and time for the "meet the teacher" day during his last week of camp. This seemed like a really important step in controlling Isaac's understandably mounting anxiety about school starting. It also seemed like a perfect opportunity for some one on two time (just Isaac, Mike and I). As soon as we dropped Riley off that morning I felt like we'd gone back in time a year. Just the 3 of us in the car having a talk about time travel, black holes or whatever was on Isaac's mind just then. I think even when you only have 2 kids alone time with mom and dad is important, but especially after a new baby and major surgery take one parent away and a full time job claims the other. It was just time (also Riley and I have been Siamese Twins for almost 3mos, it was a welcome break). Other than the horrible unpleasantness caused by inadequate parking and an open time window event on a Saturday it was a great day. From the moment she opened the door we were flooded with relief. She was enthusiastic, super organized and happy to receive us. Her classroom was inviting and she had a very practical system of positive reinforcement in place. She described groupping kids by skill level and having an advanced group. She provided all the supplies for the class and gave us a "wish list" of supplies parents could purchase for the class. I felt like I'd been holding my breath all summer and I could finally breath again. We left the school feeling good about the academic year that was about to start. Isaac requested a happy meal for his special lunch to celebrate being a 2nd grader and the 3 of us went home and watched some Phineas and Ferb together before going to pick up Riley. It was a pretty good day and certainly not the last one on two time we'll have with that silly 2nd grader.

When Things Get too Serious...

Give a baby a kazoo

Sink or Float

I gave Riley a bath and she had the life preserver toy from her bath toys boat and a dinosaur she inherited from her big brother. I finished washing her and rescued the dino from floating away when I realized the only thing that made a floating dinosaur weirder was that the life preserver sunk. What are we teaching these kids?!?

Interrupting the Regularly Scheduled Program

Interrupting the Regularly Scheduled Program will be years of back and hip pain coming to a climax followed by multiple surgeries... Before everything got bad I wrote about what our day to day was like, to re-read it now makes me a little sad. On the plus side I have recognized at this point in my recovery that we actually have a routine again, even if it's not the one I'd choose. We wake up on weekdays between 7-7:30am Riley's been sleeping with me. Between her being sick so long and not being able to go get her from the crib myself it's easier. I will say for the record we started re-transitioning her back to the crib. Sorry about the tangent, so my little alarm clock wakes me up and we watch "Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse" in bed until Daddy has to be up. After we're sure he's up Riley and I go out to the living room. I make sure Isaac is getting ready and scare up Riley's breakfast. Once she's confined and happily eating I take a rest and check in on the boys. They leave at 8:30am and Riley and I watch more Mickey or talk until our favorite "Jack's Big Music Show" is on at 9am. After Jack we do a wipe down and get Riley dressed. There's 1.5-2hrs of playing in the living room before she usually snuggles up with me on the couch for her morning nap. Sometime between 11:30-12 she's up and ready for lunch. She plays in her room or the living room until 3:30-4p when she curls up with Mommy for the unpredictable and often nonexistent 2nd nap. Usually the boys come home around 5:30-6pm. Riley usually demands some quality time with Daddy right away. Dinner varies wildly depending on what we're having because after working all day it's still up to Mike to cook, but once there's a plan Riley either eats and then we have a bath or occasionally the reverse. I make sure Isaac's ready for bed and then Riley and I lay down about 9-9:30p and once she's asleep I'm usually done for the day. I try to fold laundry, pick up the living room or work on something productive, but it doesn't always happen. Thank goodness for our cleaning lady! I can take care of Riley alone with no anxiety although it's not easy. It's been baby steps, first diapers, changing clothes, in and out of the high chair and finally baths. Soon I hope to be cooking and driving again

Baby Boom

When I was pregnant alot of other people I knew were too. They say every time the economy is bad there's a baby boom. I was happy to be pregnant and I've talked before about always knowing it would be my one and only time. I got the most perfect little girl. I couldn't have drawn better blueprints. She's amazing and I'm so happy to have her. I'm also glad given my situation medically that I got my tubes tied. All that being said is it just me or is everyone pregnant? My friends with babies Riley's age or younger all seem to have another bun in the oven. Not all of them where planned, but everyone's happy. It got to the point where I don't want to go online. I would never begrudge someone sharing their pregnancy with their loved ones (I certainly did), but it makes me so sad. I know that there's nothing rational to it. Even if I had a great pregnancy the first time I wouldn't be ready for another baby this soon and I already have 2 kids at home. Logic just doesn't enter into it. Typing this is emotional. It started out as a feeling that my baby was growing up and I missed the days when she was smaller, but that's not it anymore. I just envy the pregnancy. I want the belly, the kicks and all that potential. I want to take more belly pictures, decorate another nursery and dream up more names. Maybe I will have more kids some where down the line, but I know I will never be pregnant again. I know this with absolute certainty. I also know that it is unquestionably the right thing for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I'm sad for the belly that will never be.

"Older Babies"

Riley and I have gone to a new mom's support group since she was about 6 weeks old. It's been wonderful. It got us out of the house which was very important after 2 weeks in the NICU and 2 more weeks of being forbidden to take my preemie anywhere. It gave me some valuable and trustworthy information and an appropriate place to vent. Most of all it introduced me to some truly amazing people. I love the lactation consultant who runs the group she helped me so much when I had my surgery and I made mom group my first outing once I was discharged. Not only that but moms from the group came over and brought meals to the house for the first two weeks once I was home. Time marches on and suddenly Riley is one of the "older babies." It's so bizarre because I remember sitting in a chair with my 6wk old sleeping peanut and thinking the babies crawling around on the floor where huge. I used to think "Gosh, I can't wait until you actually stay awake for this Riley." Not long after that I couldn't wait until she could sit and play at group. Soon after all the babies her age were crawling and cruising. We've hit all those milestones and now all the moms with tiny new babies thinks Riley is "huge." So, the moms and babies I watched with "someday" repeating in my brain have moved on to toddler appropriate pastors. Magically Riley and her buddies have replaced them as the older babies. Only it's more like Doctor Who than Saved by the Bell. This cast change means welcome introduction of new adventures. Riley and her friends are amazing little explorers. Exploration needs space and like so many things we may have outgrown our wonderful group. Our new mom's group has become very popular. So much so that there's no where to sit (big problem post back surgery) and your stroller is always blocked in when you're ready to go. The older babies decided to get together on our own this week. One play room 2 crawling/cruising girls, 2 walking boys, lots of toys, 4 mommies and warm chocolate chip cookies. Maybe Riley getting older isn't so bad. And thank God for digital cameras and good friends to applaud your ability to change a squirming baby in your lap while nursing.

Houses

I have lived in 4 cities and within those cities moved apartments anywhere up to 3times. I have moved ALOT. However, I have never moved as part of a group. It was always just me packing, apartment hunting and unpacking. Now that my quick trip to Florida has hit the 3yr mark and I'm a mother it's time to move. Mike's house, much like my pre-pregnancy bathing suit, is too small. We've got 4 people in what is technically a 2bedroom house. Also, sharing one bathroom with two boys, enough said. Now that our lease is up at the end of September and we've officially let the landlord know we've out grown the place we've start looking at houses. Specifically we're looking for, a 3-4bedroom 1.5-2bathroom house, I just happened to watch that show "Raising Sextuplets" the other day and they were house hunting because they were moving to Florida. It started off with some dispute about what they could afford and then once they actually started looking things escalated horribly because they couldn't agree on a house mainly because of varying ideas of what is baby safe. It's been less rocky for us. Mike's been in this house for 8yrs and is a little weary of leaving such low rent behind. Overall though we agree on a reasonable range for our new house. We do however, just like the reality shows folks, differ on our favorites. He loves a house he found 30min away with a sprawling backyard and a dock. I two major reservations 1)the distance (I have friends and medical apts here) and 2) Safety (I don't really trust either kid around a dock). Mike thinks a pool would be great I think it would be more trouble than it's worth and a safety issue. Mainly we're on the same page about things though. Everyone needs their own space. There must be some room to place outside for the kids and a much bigger kitchen. This is just the next step. This is the next place we get comfy for a while and after this house we'll find the forever house, I hope.

Adapting to Adaptation

Riley turned 11mo yesterday. I can't believe it. She has 4 teeth (two on top two on the bottom). She took her first independent step today towards her brother, of course. We are still battling the rash from hell, she's on antibiotics now. She's very, very busy. I got a bow to stay in her hair yesterday, hurray! I'm pretty sure breastfeeding is winding down and I'm ok with that. Riley even fits into her 12month clothes. SOOO BIG.

As Riley grows and my recovery drags on a whole new phase of logistical problems arise. I no longer have the ability to bend my spine or have my hands free when walking (walker, crutches, etc)and she's heavier and quicker than she used to be. I've dealt with disability stuff vs baby care issues before, but I feel really stressed doing it now. I have a wonderful Egro baby carrier which is great when sitting in the wheelchair, but as of yet my back isn't ready to wear her standing. I can lift her in and out of the high chair now that we lowered it or from the rocker to the changing table, but not for any distance.

I can't push the stroller without discomfort at this point. I'm not sure what's temporary and what's permanent at this point. I know that one of the physical therapists estimated at least a year with an assistive device. Whether or not that's realistic it's pretty certain that for the foreseeable future I'll be dealing with some limitations beyond what I had going into surgery and a walking/running toddler.

Riley comes when I call her most of the time, crawls after me in the house, and comes to me and stands up when she needs me. She's "such a trooper" just like mama, but how to keep up with her is a challenge. I worry about pulling her by the arms because I can't reach any lower on her body without bending. I also worry about the day to day once she's walking. I've gotta be able to keep ahold of her when I'm by myself. For her safety as well as mine.

So, just like sucking it up and FINALLY using the scooter at the grocery store. I find myself considering something else I thought I'd never do. A harness. They're cute now at least, shaped like happy animals and functional as backpacks. Not like either the Velcro wrist tethers that I remember from childhood or the blue harnesses that they made special ed kids wear on the school bus. Still I feel judged (mostly by myself) for even thinking about it. It doesn't help that Mike refuses to have anything to do with getting or using one, but if I didn't need it to keep her safe I wouldn't either.

So, onward we go and as ever it is overwhelming but never boring.

A Baby's Gotta Do What A Baby's Gotta Do

We went out to dinner with some gift cards we'd been saving and when we left the resturant the sky had opened up. We managed to get everyone in the car relatively dry, but when we got home my car was in the driveway and it was really coming down. We had a family discussion about who would get out when and then waited to see if it would let up. It did not let up so we "ran for it." Needless to say we were all more than a little damp when we got inside. Riley did not like the idea of getting into dry clothes and a dry diaper. She fought me like an Olympic wrestler. It was really exsasperating so once her wet clothes and diaper were off I gave up. I lowered her off my lap naked and the second her butt hit the carpet she peed. When I said "Riley are you peeing?" and dropped a towel in her lap that little girl looked up and me and laughed! She was so amused by herself. Funnily enough when I scopped her up to put a daiper on her she didn't resist. I guess she just needed to be naked long enough to pee on the carpet.