This is Halloween

Note the Cheshire Cat Pumpkin (:

Little Miss Tinkerbell

Back...to the Future!

I had originally planned to use Riley's red birthday dress and sew a hood for her to be "Riley Red Ridding Hood." I had also intended not to dress up this year. Long Sigh...Parenthood and Plans are not so friendly with each other.

I had thought sewing a 12month size cape would be a "simple" project. Funny because I still have no idea how to use the sewing machine and decided after major back surgery would be a good time to learn. In the end I couldn't muster the time or energy despite buying a pattern and beyond that I realized at Riley's one year photo session that her party dress was getting awful short. A trip to Target later Riley and I both had a costume. She would be Tinkerbell and I would be Alice.

Not everyone's costume deviated from the plan however, Isaac's costume came out perfect. He requested a "Marty McFly from Back to the Future costume" way back in August. For those of you who remember the Ghostbuster costume we made for him two years ago I promise he comes up with stuff on his own I don't tell him to be characters from 80's movies. I thought it was a great idea and pretty straight forward. He had jeans, a t-shirt, and a button up shirt. I had a smallish jean jacket so all we needed was the orange vest. I scoured the Internet for one and after losing two auctions on Ebay I sunk 30ish bucks into a shiny new one from the Gap. I figure he can wear it after Halloween, pass it on to Riley and I may be able to wear it as well. The orange vest is kind of the lynch pin of Marty McFly's attire. Without he would have been a kid wearing layers.

I had been toying with notion of dressing as Alice from "Alice in Wonderland", but Internet searches had proved discouraging. Adult costumes for woman are so slutty! I wasn't going to trick-or-treat with my kids looking like a stripper. Anything with more class was super expensive for example the one I loved on Etsy was $70. Now to leap from not buying a costume at all to spending $70 was something I wasn't willing to do. I settled for a children's large size Alice from Target. It was inaccurate and not very well made, but I was not going to be mistaken for a hooker. There was one snag, I got home and tried it on and it was pretty darn short. Not a big deal if your walking, but I was going out in the wheelchair...I almost scraped the whole idea but got some stripey tights and sucked it up (trick or treating with a one year was going to be more of a sprint than a marathon anyway).

In years past Mike and I had mucked things up trying to trick or trick in my childhood neighborhood, his childhood neighborhood and the one we currently live in. Holidays are so complicated when you're a parent (throw in a set of divorced parents each on top of that). Of course Halloween is nothing compared to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Reconciling our warm fuzzy childhood memories with each other and splitting time between grandparents now that all of them live here is a major complication. We were fortunate to grow up in prime trick or treating areas. This year I decided I'd dress the kids and myself and (with assistance because I'm not that healed yet) drop by my old neighborhood earlier in the evening figuring it would give family and friends a chance to say hi and if Riley pooped out Mike would be fresh to take Isaac out for round two.

It went well except that as we pulled up in front of my childhood home I spotted a 10yr old wearing the exact same Alice costume, so embarrassing. Yes, I let the one year old have candy, but that wasn't my original intention. She was holding her own cute little candy bucket and while we were making the rounds I discovered she had pulled out a piece of chocolate and bitten through the wrapper! I traded her the drooly chocolate for a lollipop while she was riding in my lap. Shug, it's Halloween. Both kids sailing on a respectable sugar high made it through my old neighborhood, stopped home and went through our neighborhood with Mike. After that leg of begging door to door for candy was over Isaac made his annual trip to a nearby haunted house where he calmed older girls by assuring them he would protect them and hold their hands.

Wean-ed, Sleep-ing

Gratitude and peace fill me when I think of how far we've come. We really did it. I breastfed my baby for 13mo through major back surgery. Then I weaned her and got her to sleep in her crib again after upsetting the routine for months. Phew!

What a sad, strange kind of relief. My baby is a toddler who will never need me the way she did when she was a newborn. Taking care of Riley helped me through one the worst times in my life and keeping her close was a necessity, but now that's done. She drinks cow's milk from her sippy, cuddles Mommy in stolen moments between busy play and sleeps in her own bed.

I'm so proud of the independent little girl she's becoming, but I still miss my baby. I have loved every moment of our time together breastfeeding and I am loving every wonderful enlightening moment of toddlerhood.

As far as weaning and independent sleeping the only advice I have is commit to or wait until you're ready.

Well, That Was Easier Than I Thought

I didn't nurse Riley yesterday at all. I was super nervous about putting Riley to bed. I had asked Mike to put her down, but as usual there was a work crisis as soon as dinner was over.

I gave her a bath, put her pajamas on and instead of sitting in the rocker reading a book and nursing I put her directly in the crib (like I do for naps) and read a book there. When the book was done she just laid down. It was like "Ok, Mom I know the drill." I turned off the light and turned on the music. I rubbed her back for 2min and even though she was still awake when I left the room she barely even fussed for a second.

I don't know why I'm always so shocked when the plan works. Now all I have to do is stay the course. I can't believe it's over...

I am completely shocked it went so well and also at my lack of emotion. I mean I'm thrilled and proud and sad and afraid to believe it's true, but I shed actual tears the first time after my surgery she went to sleep at night in her own crib without tears. I think I'm still a little stunned and afraid to jinx it.

False Alarm

We are in the final stage weaning. We decided I would continue to nurse only right before bed until Sunday. I'm already starting to feel (and enjoy) my freedom a bit. I can get dressed any way I choose without worrying about easy access. I can wear my hair down. If I'm in pain (with a little preparation) I can take something.

Well, on that note I got my first bit of good news the other day. I have been having trouble with abnormal cervical cells for years now. Level 5 is cancer and my abnormal cells have remained consistently at level 4 since they were discovered. After countless tests and biopsies and being assured the next text would be normal for 4yrs and nothing ever changing they're gone. That's it. I'm back to normal.

I was also told there were signs of an infection brewing, but as I was asymptomatic at the time I put it right out of my head. Today I didn't feel well so I took something without even a passing thought. As soon as I'd done it I panicked. What if this wasn't breastfeeding safe? Could it be that I'd been so careful not to jeopardize breastfeeding through major back surgery and then I screwed it up now in the last days? How could I be so thoughtless?!?

Internet research told me that this was a class C drug (not safe while pregnant) with a half life of 30hrs so it would be in my system when I was ready to nurse the baby tonight for sure. I was so bummed. Mike insinuated that maybe I did it because I was subconsciously ready to be done. I don't think so. I really just didn't think about it and even though I was planning to be done breastfeeding in 48hrs I wanted the option.

In my heightened emotional state I vented to my online mommy group. Good thing. Many of the other mommies had been on the same medicine while breastfeeding with no problem. One of them referred me to the Jack Newman site. Which is an awesome resource and I'm sorry I found it so late in the game. It assured me that the drug was perfectly safe. I also remember the LeLeche League woman I had emailed with when I had to do the test with the contrast die. She amazingly responded within the hour even though it was a Saturday and told me that:
"According to Dr. Hale’s 2006 edition of Medications and Mother’s Milk, it is listed as an L2 for breastfeeding, meaning it has been studied in a limited number of breastfeeding mothers without adverse effects in the infant. It is listed by the AAP as “usually compatible with breastfeeding”. Given the age, weight, and frequency of breastfeeding of your toddler, there is no apparent indication to not breastfeed."

Phew! So be resourceful, but use the internet wisely. Drug information isn't written with breastfeeding in mind. I'm so glad I had one more night to cuddle and nurse my baby before bed.

Everywhere is Disney World When You're One...

It's not always wonderful being one, but there's a lot of magic. Everything is new and adventure and excitement is quite literally everywhere.

I took Riley to the playground the other day. She'd been to the playground lots of times when she was tiny, but this was the first time she could make use of more than the baby swing. Even though she hadn't yet discovered all the wonders of the playground she laughed with glee as she toddled from the car to the play area. What a glorious place! There was grass and trees! Big kids and doggies! A lake and ducks! Oh, wow. She bounced on the horsey and in true Riley fashion insisted on getting down to examine them from the ground very carefully. She climbed the steps with very little assistance and after one tandem go at it was an old pro sliding in to Mommy's arms. She loved the whole experience. She was estatic from beginning to end. "What an awesome place. Mommy! What's next? Oh boy! Snack!"

It doesn't even have to be an event like a trip to the playground. We try (when I'm feeling up to it) to take a walk every day. It's a grand adventure. We get in the vehicle of choice, stroller or Dora car, which to Riley is as grand as a sedan chair, saddled elephant or magic carpet. Sometimes we exit through secret passages, the side door. Out into the unexplored wilderness, the yard. We take a jungle path, the sidewalk. Always stopping to admire the wildlife, doggies and kitties. We also like the flowers and trees and all the strange decorations, we love pumpkins and spiders. We listen to the rushing traffic sounds, and watch our shadows on the ground. It's never the same or boring and she's always excited to go because everywhere is Disney when you're one.

The (Proposed) Timeline

First there's Halloween and make no mistake it's a really big deal in this house. Everyone has a costume, picks a pumpkin and trick or treats here. Phew, I won't be post-op for that, but wait treat or tricking will be short lived between my pain and Riley's mobility/tolerance. Huh..um...At least I'll have candy to drown my stresses in.

Then we have Mike's cousin's wedding on a week long cruise to Mexico the following weekend. I am in dire need of a vacation and completely relieved the surgery didn't mean we couldn't go. I was so afraid there would be nothing to look forward to but more surgery. That being said the logistics of a very large boat, lots of pain, a fearless toddler, etc are starting to dawn on (and scare me).

As soon we get back (within 48hrs) Isaac turns 8. I hope I'm not the only one who feels old thinking about that. Anyone who's been to one of our birthday parties knows we like to do it up. Isaac requested a "Back to the Future" theme this year. Mike and I had loads of ideas and once upon a time before many surgery reschedules it was going to be in our very own back yard. No back yard, no time, no idea what we're going to do. In light of his sister's bash last month I feel the need to make it special, but how..

Three days (Yup 72hrs) after that I am supposed to FINALLY have this hip replacement. Just in time to be fresh from surgery for the holidays. We decided to have Thanksgiving here. I just felt like I needed something familiar. Something to look forward to. It's always rough to keep the weight on post op so this will help. I've been lonely and alienated too long.

Then there will be Christmas. How am I going to shop? Better start now I guess.
Dearest Santa,
I would love the pain to stop. The procedure to be complete on the 18th and my recovery to be well on it's way by the time you visit. Also, a break would be lovely.
Love your former elf.

After January 1st we're supposed to finally move into a house that fits us better. Beyond that there's the very real possibility of more surgery. I hope it's all done on the 18th, but I don't have alot of faith as everything connected to relieving my pain has dragged out so much.

Holy, full plate, Batman.

In the Wake

More than upset, devastated with disappointment, appalled at the sacrifices made for nothing, worn thin and raw by pain, loopy and snarling from fatigue and at a loss for what to do now. How do I keep functioning? I was only supposed to have to hold on a few weeks and now it's been over two months. Back spasms, swelling everywhere, nerve compression and some (can you blame me?) depression.

Bright side? I concede weaning never would have worked out with original date. More time to get the baby's sleeping sorted out was useful. We can probably go on the cruise (Mike's cousin's wedding) without worrying about blood thinners causing complications and post operative infection. That's all I've got. I think I should get points for trying, though.

My mom joked for days that if we made plans to go to the beach Thursday then the surgery would actually happen this time. I decided I had to get out of the house so I decided we'd go to the beach on Wednesday. I enlisted my mom and Mike's sister to help me bring the baby to the beach. I'm not a big beach person. Bad balance makes sand and waves less than friendly. I haven't been to the beach since my spinal fusion. I didn't want Riley miss out on the experience because it so difficult for me so I figured three adults to one toddler sounded doable.

When we parked Mike's sister pointed out the sign that said "ask about our complimentary beach wheelchair." It was a huge ancient clunker of a thing that obviously hadn't been used in a while. It was greasy all over the frame and not terribly comfortable, but it did the job.



We found a spot and slathered the baby with sunscreen. I don't know what I expected it to be like. Sitting unsupported on the towel was kind of painful and once I was down I was stuck. Somehow I thought my mom would sit on the towel and Lara and I would take Riley to the water. It turned out 90% of the time my mom was holding Riley's hand and following her lead and sometimes mom and Lara walked with her. I watched uncomfortable and off balance on the towel trying to zoom in enough to take pictures.

Don't get me wrong the weather was lovely and Riley was having the time of her life. It wasn't a bad day. I just didn't expect my sadness over the surgery stuff to be replaced by a different kind of sadness. Why can't I take my daughter to the beach? Why can't I despite all my determination conquer the beach? Beyond that it's already so difficult to keep up with her. Even if I have the surgery and it helps the pain and I'm back to my old self my old self had limitations. I don't want her to miss out on experiences because of me, but I don't want her to do everything without me either.

I know it sounds selfish and terrible, but I want to show her all the new experiences in life whether I'm physically able to or not. It is not the same to just be there.

I realized late in the afternoon that I'd forgotten to put the chili in the crock pot before I left that morning. That made me feel like an even more inadequate mother. When I called home to tell Mike I forgot he said "no you didn't" What a sweetie! Go team. Sometimes it's good to remember you're not alone.

At the risk of going off on a tangent I want to address something: pain pills. Contrary to popular belief breastfeeding was not the only reason I was only taking extra strength Tylenol. I am a tiny person who spent most of my childhood having surgeries and being doped up. I don't enjoy the feeling. I have a VERY sensitive stomach and the times that I've taken pain pills as an adult I spent the whole day throwing up or with a splitting migraine. I can't take care of my baby on pain pills (or feel human). That said I am looking into some muscle relaxers now that weaning is almost done, but like everything else when you're a parent I have to have a meeting and plan ahead if I take one. If you exist in a state of tension and pain and that relaxes temporarily you go to sleep.

I am doing the best I can.

Strike Three!!

This is the third postponement for my hip surgery. It was supposed to be Sept 30th and then Oct 14th and then Oct 21st and now they "can't give me a date."

I just keep telling myself killing him isn't worth it, but I'm not very convincing. How in God's name does this jackass have patients? Are they all held hostage to him by crappy insurance? I'm so angry.

Before you even think it, I tried to switch doctors the first time around. At least with the back surgery he was apologetic about postponing twice. I have no recourse if I complain I piss off the only guy in town who can fix my hip. If I say forget it the hip dies and slowly poisons me.

I really feel like he's avoiding me this time. Don't I deserve to feel better? Why is no one accounting for the upheaval in my life this caused? What now...

Sleep and Pumpkins

We are going on the 3rd night in a row of Riley sleeping through the night. HURRAY!!! I've started dreaming again it had been such a long time since I'm dreamt. Sleeping is super swell.

I got Riley all dressed up in her TinkerBell costume and took her to the pumpkin patch. The cuteness was staggering. We met some mommies and babies and had a picnic next to the pumpkins. Riley and I are so lucky to have such good friends. It was an awesome day.

Surgery Postponed Aaaagain....

His office called at 9am this morning and said "He's on call for trauma tonight and he doesn't want to operate in the morning."

I said "Well can I stay on the schedule and if he doesn't have any traumas he can still operate?"
"No. He doesn't want to do that."
"Ok...what now?"
"We'll schedule you for next Thursday."
"Are you sure?"
"Next Thursday."
"Bye." Choking on large sobs.

Dump Trucks, Nap naps and Night nights

Today was the first day I had to put Riley down for a nap myself without nursing her. We had a normal morning, a relatively calm first nap experience and afternoon. I was dreading putting her down without nursing.

I wished the clock would stop ticking. When the time came you would have thought I was having a route canal without anesthesia. I anticipated world class melt down. I wasn't sure how to handle things now that we'd established the nurse, rock and read go to crib read and then nap routine. I was overthinking it.

In the moment I just hoisted her right into the crib read her a book rubbed her back for a minute or so and walked out. She didn't even cry for a full minute it was amazing.

Riley got a hand-me-down dump truck from Mike's co-worker today. She walked (yes walked) all over the living room pushing it and saying "ssssssssssss." I told her trucks say "Vroom", but she shook her head at me. I think she thinks everything makes a whooshing flying sound. Silly girl.

Emboldened by our nap time triumph I decided she wasn't getting any attention overnight at all. I didn't come to this decision lightly or quickly. We tried only offering water after midnight and than only going in every other time, etc It was just time. I got through the baby's bedtime routine. I gave her extra kisses and hugs. Then I steeled myself up for a long night. It was so emotional, but she didn't cry for more than 5min before herself back to sleep at any point all night. In the morning I was aglow with accomplishment and aching with engorgement.

Lose some, lose some

So, the whole morning off plan completely failed which at this point is not entirely surprising. I was horribly disappointed and proceeded to have a complete psychotic breakdown. Very unbecoming for a mother (or a human being) and not my usual reaction to severe stress.

I couldn't bear the fatique, pain, stress of the suregery postponement, weaning, sleep training and the repeated disappointment of not being able to sleep a little extra on Sundays. Oh, well. So after things had calmed down and the day was proceeding relatively normally I had Mike put Riley down for her nap. She went down for nap with minimal fussing. Another feeding down. In my head I'm singing "Another One Bites the Dust" Now it's just`first nap and bedtime. We're getting there.

All in a Day's Work

Riley in a Box Walking with Dora Backpack:

De-railed?!?

Last night was horrendous! She was up every hour. She went down easy at 8:20p and got up at 11, 12:45, 2, 3:20, 4:50, 6. I'm taking notes during our 10day plan. Night one went so well and then last night was horrible.

Mike pointed out that kids are always making progress and then regressing. I started wondering if Riley was missing nursing during the day so much she was getting up every hour because she knows I nurse her at night. I started letting her nurse every other time by the 3rd time. It was a victory in that Mike and I worked as a team and did not give up and bring her to our bed.

I was very tired by the time her first nap rolled around and anxious that she wouldn't go down and everything would get increasingly difficult all day. She went down rubbing her eyes at 9:02 and screamed for 30min. I changed her, nursed her and rocked her and put her back down. She slept 9:40-11:08 which is pretty respectable.

By second nap I was running on fumes. I tried to put her down at her usual 1:30 and she cried off and on until 1:58. I was so relieved when she fell asleep, but it only lasted 30min. According to the book anything under an hour doesn't count. I went in and rocked and nursed her and put her back in the crib. I stood next to the crib stroking her hair for 10min. Nothing worked. I gave up. At this point I felt like a failure and was completely homicidal because of sleep deprivation and frustration. I kept thinking if I have to disconnect the doorbell and make the boys spend the day in a tent in the yard to get a descent nap out of this baby, so help me...At that point Mike asked me if I was "giving up" on Riley's nap and I burst into tears and told him I needed a break.

I went into the bedroom and shut the door and cried myself to sleep. I laid there crying about what a miserable failure I was and how Riley would never sleep through the night again and all the while I worried Mike would forget to give Riley a snack or to read with Isaac. When I woke up 2hrs later poor Mike was juggling both kids and a work call. I opened the door and heard him said "Oh, good she's awake!"

Everything got done in my absence and although I continue to be hard on myself at least my resolve to stick it out with the plan was back.

Reflections on Word Choices

I find myself sitting at the keyboard pondering the silence. Both kids are asleep and it's 9pm. It's particularly great because there's nothing that has to be done. I can just sit and reflect on the day or my own thoughts (I'll have to re-introduce myself). When I took Riley for a walk today I was thinking about the latest politically correct term "differently abled." It was the walk that prompted this since I use one crutch and push her in her Dora car with the other:

So, as we make our way down the block I wonder if there are other mother's who have used this toy this way and I remember there was a pamphlet at ToysRUs to instruct in picking out toys for the "differently abled." Let me first say I think this is a marvelous idea not that anyone ever bought me a jump rope as a kid, but not all disabilities (or different ablements?) are physical.

Which brings me at long last to my point, I'm not sure how I feel about "differently abled." It pretty much says nothing. Isn't every human being differently abled than the next? Maybe they figure if it says nothing it can offend no one. What happened to disabled? That's the term I use most often. Which got me thinking...you disable a speaker or a router. Does disable mean something that had function and has now lost it? As apposed to unable which implies never having had an ability? I mean you can't be unabled besides being improper English there's no parking for that.

I know it went out of fashion when I was a kid, but want happened to handicapped? It sounds so cheerful. Aside from it's association with golf I see nothing wrong with it. It does lack some seriousness. I guess it's all subjective and as a minority I suppose we all agree "lame" or "gimps" doesn't have any appeal. Are they just going to keep re-doing the little blue signs? Handicapped Parking to Disabled Parking makes sense more concise fits better on the sign, but Differently Abled Parking is quite a mouth full.

Good Sleeps, Less Moo

Today was "Day One" of our sleeping and weaning plan. We put it in writting and discussed and committed as a team, yesterday. It involes keeping to a flexible schedule, earlier bedtime, lots of snacks and distractions instead of nursing, and sleeping only in the crib.

She slept well last night. She went to bed at 8:20p and woke up at 11p for 5min and 3a for 30min. I was able to get into her room before she stirred at 7:30a. It was super encouraging. I changed her and brought her right to the highcahir because I am only nursing before naps and bedtimes. We did rock, nurse and read before she went down for her 9:30a nap with sleep music playing. She cried for 30min. When I went in to check on her she had a big poopy diaper. She was back asleep by 10:10am. I heard a fuss and 10:50, but she put herself back to sleep (hurray). She woke up at 11:30.

After snack, play, lunch, and more play it's nap time again. This time we nursed and rocked and read a book and then I put her in the crib and read another one. I really want to break the negative association with crib and the nursing/falling asleep association as well and this seemed like a simple way to do it. She slept 1:10-2:40 and woke up making happy sounds! I've been waiting for the day when she would stop screaming to signal she was awake.

She was thrilled about her bedtime routine tonight. I suggested daddy give her bath after dinner since her earlier bedtime ate into his quality time. When she got out of the highchair she went right to the bathroom and yelled "BATH!" After bath we nursed and rocked, but she decided she was done and pointed to the crib I laid her down and stroked her hair for less than a minute and she was out. Not a single tear. Amazing.

What's the Rush?!?

Mike wanted Riley to start solids at 2mo old so this kind of thing is nothing new. He insisted at 9mo she "needed" her own Legos. I went with it and got her the baby version. He's been pushing to give her a computer, but I keep saying it's too early (and a space issue, but isn't everything in this house). This weekend he insisted she was ready for a bed. He was ready to disasemble the crib and throw a mattress on the floor for her.

I must stop typing and breathe deeply.

I explained all the reasons why with her sleep issues right now it's a terrible plan. As I suspected it's what he did the first time around. I told him that made sense as Isaac never slept with him. He slept well in the crib and probably transitioned easily to a bed. I know if I were a single parent with a good sleeper I'd probably opt for the plan that bought me a little more sleep in the morning. Riley however is another story she would never sleep if she had the choice right now. Plus Mommy is not ready for her only baby to have a big girl bed.

So, reigh in those horses, Daddy. We'll get there soon enough.

Wean-er

I found The Nursing Mother's Companion: Revised Edition second hand at a consignment store and kept it next to the rocker in Riley's room for a year. It was a good resource. Very "yay breastfeeding" and all that. I decided to see what information it offered on weaning. It basically said buy our other book, but I should have known it would be a mistake because even that sounded pushy and judgemental.

It's called The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning, Revised Edition. Please feel free to click the link and "look inside" so you know I'm not exaggerating. This book really, really pushed to continue breastfeeding to the age of 4. Ok, fine if I were going to do that I might need the support of a book that validates that choice (Which should be a guide to extended nursing not weaning), but it's a weaning book shouldn't it at least be understanding if not encouraging about weaning? I was given lots of historical data on the physical and emotional damage weaning has done through the ages right off the bat. I had to put the book down several times and collect myself. When I turned to the appropriate chapter for weaning my one to two year old I was barraged with questions insinuating I was probably doing this for all the wrong reasons or wasn't really "ready." It was kind of awful.

I started to feel sick reading about all the bad things that could happen. When I got to the "useful" part it was alot of what I'd read else where, but it wasn't presented in a hopeful way. Here's an example: "Weaning an avid nurser by distraction requires a lot of diligence. You can't let your child see you undressed. You may have to avoid cradling your child in your arms, or even sitting or laying down in her presence. You may have to stay away from your favorite nursing places, such as the bed or couch, and doing things that prompted nursing before, like talking on the phone." Uh, yeah right. I just never sit down or hold my baby again, perfect.

What am I supposed to take away from this? It felt like they were saying "it's almost impossible so just breastfeed and hope your baby losses interest before college." Now I'm being ridiculous, but I felt more frustrated instead of less after reading this book. Where is the non-judgemental, this is a hard decision but you can do it book for the educated mother who just wants to feel a little more informed? For all the reasons I loved the sleep book I just read I hated this one. I'm glad I got it at the library I can't wait to give it back! GRRRRR....