Happy Anti-Bionic-Aversary

All that horrible metal came out of my back one year ago today, September 9th. I've survived a lot, but the back surgeries are still a pretty raw nerve so I'll keep this short and sweet. Woo-hoo, 365 days of no metal in my spine! I wish I could say it was a pain free year, not even close, but it was totally the right call. Healing is such a long process. I still have the bag of screws and rods. I've been encouraged to make some kind of art piece with it, but even a year later I'm not there yet. Someday, I'll either make something beautiful out of all that ugly metal or I'll throw it away, but not today. It's just a reminder that you have to "just keep swimming."

Back Attack Returns

I put Riley to bed the other night. While I was hugging her for the tenth time my left arm completely crossed my body. That's when I felt IT. The evil, deep-in-my-back, horror show of pain that started the "attack" last week. I called Mike in my least panicked, but still stern tone. He came quickly and I greeted him with, "It's happening again." I made it back to my room without alerting my little Miss. It was time to test the new cream...

And speaking of...I spent an entire day in tears over that stuff. I went to the Ortho on Friday (the only day my back liberation squad hangs out at the office) and I was told I'd have it on Monday or Tuesday. On Tuesday instead of something that would help with my back pain I got a phone call. I was informed by a pharmacist that they can't fill "anything" through my insurance. Nice, huh? I said, "Ok" and hung up. I was stunned because the Ortho's office has always been on the ball. I called the Ortho and left a message. I had officially boarded the emotional roller coaster being in pain and frustrated lends itself to. Before I got a return phone call from the Ortho I called the pharmacy back. When I inquired what it cost out of pocket he replied, "It's very expensive." I'm not going to lie I totally flashed on the shopping scene from Pretty Woman.

So, here I am coming unglued about the whole situation because I only had to keep it together until Tuesday! Now it was Tuesday and there was no way to make it stop hurting without being less functional than the pain was already making me. After repeating that paying out of pocket was not an option without giving me a number he told me that they had a "Low Cost Option." He explained that it would have to be approved by the Ortho and I would only receive a 15 day supply for the bargain price of $60. I told him to send the Ortho the paperwork. Shortly after that the Ortho's prescription person called and I informed her the paperwork was coming. She told me that the compound I would get would have "fewer ingredients."

At this point I became concerned. I mean what the heck does that mean? I don't even know what he prescribed in the first place only what it was supposed to do. Hours of stress slowly ticked by before the pharmacy called to get my address. I insisted on hearing every ingredient in the original and modified prescription. I Googled as she explained until I was certain I understood what they were selling me. They told me to expect it within 48 hours. It arrived on schedule.

Which brings us back to the second back attack. Back in my room I told Mike that this time I knew exactly what triggered it. My left shoulder blade popped out. That first pain was identical to last time. I turned around and weakly pointed at my left shoulder. Mike made a grossed out sound and said, "It's not in the right place." He pressed on it while I cursed and screamed and then he applied newly the obtained cream. I was completely frustrated that this was happening again. I was also completely relieved to know the cause. Hopefully, a chat with the Ortho will help me prevent any more of these buggers. Obviously, I have to be fit for nighly hug duty!

Back Attack

Over the weekend I was typing and my whole left leg went numb. It didn't fall asleep. There weren't pins and needles, I just couldn't feel it. I stood up and after a few minutes I felt burning in the bottom of my foot. Mike rubbed my leg while I tried my best to stomp my foot. Stomping has never been easy for me, bad balance. It was a long time before the burning spread up my calf. Once the burning ended I had feeling in my leg again in time for it to be hella sore! After an hour or so I was fine and I almost forgot about it entirely.

Then on Tuesday night I was sitting on the edge of the bed helping Miss Roo turn her pajama shirt right side in when I was struck by the most intense pain. My eyes welled up with tears and I had to lay down. It was a deep spasm, somewhere in between my back and my stomach. I'm not a wimp. I've had back spasms tons of times, but these were serious buggars! They just keep going all evening, waking me up during the night and on into the morning hours.

My back was raw when they stopped. I always have pain after I've had spasms. I call it the "spasm hangover". After an involuntary 10 hour workout...sore doesn't even touch it. I sucked it up and got the kids off to camp, but by the afternoon it was clear my normal coping technique of ignoring it wasn't working so well. I called the orthopedic while I waited in the car for Isaac. To my astonishment, after a little financial business was concluded, they got me an appointment for 48hrs later! Unheard of.

Their concern and prompt appointment slot kind of scared me. Later that night I wondered for the first time if my leg issue over the weekend could be related. Pinched nerve? Had I broken something? Then again, maybe it was nothing. I was still hurting when I marched into the doctor's office with Isaac in tow Friday morning. I waited ten minutes past my appointment time, nothing serious. The x-ray tech was amused because not only was I completely metal-free in my attire, but I assumed the position for each x-ray without any instructions. "I guess you've done this before." Yeah, once or twice.

The ortho said everything looked good bone-wise. Phew. He said his "red flag was slightly raised", but for now I just needed to calm the pain down and let him know if it happens again. I sure hope not. There's a possibility of something else going on that wouldn't be visible on an x-ray, but he seemed happy which made me feel better. He gave me a prescription for something new. A topical anti-inflammatory/muscle relaxer cream. I don't take pills if it can be at all avoided. I don't like to feel dopey. I'm a mother of two I have to be alert. The idea of circumventing the conventional pill sending medicine soup into the bloodstream (and long term damage the kidneys or liver), but a cream that absorbs into the effected area is exciting. He assures me only 10% gets into your bloodstream. The downside is it's very new and has to be specially made so I have to wait for it to come in the mail.

2nd Day: 30 Days of Gratitude

I am so glad that all the metal is out of my back! I can't believe how long I walked around with that crap grating against my soft tissues. I'm so glad that's over. I am so relieved that most of what I believed was permanent mobility limitation from the fusion was actually just the over-sized and loose hardware causing pain when I moved.

Ortho Follow Up

Before I begin this post in ernst let me just take a moment to aplogize for the boring titles! October has been so spectacularly busy and I just haven't gotten into the title grove as I play catch up editing posts I started in October and am finally publishing in November! Sigh...

Today, fresh off the excitement of Fall Family Fun Night at Isaac's school we were up and out the door early. Mike had a normal work day. Miss Roo gets to hang out with her class AND the class next door on days when the big kids' teachers are off. Isaac got to go to a school's out program called Spooky Science. The lucky duck! They're going to meet creepy creatures, make static ghosts and have a mummy race among other things. What about me, you ask? I get to go to my whatever week post op follow up. Did you catch that? I lost count of how long it has been. It means I'm recovering or that I've been insanely busy and overdoing it. So, I knew this appointment could go either way...

It was kind of a blur honestly, but my only concern was that I've been having chest pain. A lot of it since coming from the hospital. I assumed, it was stress and said nothing. After awhile I complained to Mike, but refused to it discuss with my doctor. Then I got scared and decided I'd bring it up at this appointment. When Mike and I discussed it last night we realized (of course!) that it hadn't happened since I decided to tell my doctor about it, but it was still worth mentioning.

I asked the doctor if chest pain could be a result of position during surgery or something of that nature. He said no, but after a longer chat on the subject we decided that lots of laying flat and Advil were giving me acid reflux which can cause chest pain. So, it was probably stress/anxiety and acid reflux causing the issue. Especially, since it almost disappeared once I stopped laying down and Advil almost entirely.

Other than that issue though the doctor was pretty pleased with my progress. We both agree the surgery was the right thing to do. The part of my back that bothers me most is apparently the area with the "most movement" and I still need to adjust, Isn't that weird. He says I'm dismissed, basically if I need anything give them a call, but that's it. The back hardware removal process is of for the orthopedic surgeons.

Staples Be Gone

Today they took all those suckers out. First back surgery (putting all the hardware in): 113 staples, first back hardware removal (they took out 2 cross bars): 22 staples...this time: 67! Even though I've had more staples than an office supply store, I was so relieved to hear that number. When I got the 113 staples out I actually took a break and vomited into Old Ortho's trash can. I'm pretty tough, but that is an absolute ton of staples getting yanked one at a time. It is much funnier in hindsight than it was at the time.

I knew I could handle 67. Even with the same ridiculously long incision,It goes lower than you can see in the picture, almost 50 less tiny pieces of metal to be pulled out. To be clear it's the tape coming off and the dried glue that sometimes rips off with the staples that hurts. This was a whole new ball of wax, less staples and different doctor. They had two nurses tag team it. One started and the top and one started at the bottom. I took one break and then sat down for the last four. I did yell a little, but I didn't curse or cry (or vomit).

It's always a rough day when they come out because there's soreness, but you also have this new vulnerability. It's no longer covered, protected, reinforced. It can be super emotional and frustrating. It's all worth it though when you get your first garbage bag/cling wrap free, REAL shower.

Stream of Social Media: Surgery to Home

Surgery day. My rumbly tumbly and I have hours to go...So glad we pre-ordered Star Trek into Darkness (3D).
"Cuzz Katie, Life will be grand when you're healed..."
"I am hoping the anxiety of surgery is the worst part. You will be feeling better soon!!"
"Praying for success."
"Love, hugs & prayers Katie!!"
"Ok Katie update. Just went in to surgury about 3:15. She will do well, and healing will go well. Please keep the prayers coming. thanks for your support. Mike and I are here waiting @[The Hospital]."
"Katie is still in the O.R., getting close to the end of the window they told us to expect her to be out. Will update when she is in recovery."
"Longest day ever!! Finally, Katie out of surgery"
"The doc says it was one of the most unusual spinal systems he has ever seen (this is not the same guy that put it in), the universal hardware bits wouldn't work with this hardware at all and he had to drill some of them to get a grip. Apparently it made a lot more work for him. Two of the top bolts and four of the bottom ones were grossly loose and were "windshield wiper-ing" her soft tissue every time she bent."
"They say she is "closing" now - they are closing her up - its a very big incision to close."
"She is in recovery now"
"Wow. Well I'm glad she is in recovery!!!"
"Whoa"
"She is in a room set for the night, at [The Hospital]. I will go back in am and take care of her. It was hard leaving. Her biggest complaint was, where the screws were rubbing, all those spots hurt bad. Ya think? OMG! Poor thing"
"OMG I am glad that all that is fixed now. That had to be horrible. I bet she will be much better after recovery"
"Katie! I'm so glad you are so damn strong! Love ya much ! Your distant Cuz!! Everybody up north has ya in our thoughts! Muah!!"
"Aww! Glad that's over with!!"
"I can guarantee that for Katie, the worst part was telling them about the pain, and them not believing her... telling her nothing is wrong...I have broken screws in my neck hardware too, but luckily mine isn't moving around.. I laughed the day the doc asked me.. "how did you break the screws?" Like I had something to do with it..."
"Speedy recovery Katie, thoughts and prayers are with you"
"Katie you are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope this surgery makes life one step easier!"
"Glad she's on her way to healing...I bet she'll feel so much better with all that cleaned up!"
"Poor little Katie. She surely has been through a lot"

"Katie has been up in a chair for two hours, then they walked her to the door. Progress! Resting now. Thanks for all your support."
"Yea progress!! you can do it Katie!"
"Yeah!!!!!!"
"Katie is better every day. Dressing change today."
"They let her keep the stuff they took out of her back?? I hope she is still recovering quite nicely, also"

I'm home!
"YAYY!"
"Hope you are healing up okay!"
Expecting the home health nurse (change the tape!!) this morning and company this afternoon. Not such a bad one week post op.
"Someone is amazing, and her name is..Katie"
"Glad you are doing better!!"
"You are a woman/mom/wife who doesn't like to waste time! Glad to see you forging ahead so remarkably! You don't need no stinkin' Iron Man hardware - you are already a super heroine in your own right!"
"Glad to hear you are doing well.... continued prayers heading your way..."
Thanks for the bagels and the visit Diana
"You're welcome! Good to see you. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have missed someone until you see them... sniff, sniff."
Glad you are doing better my friend!!!

A Couple of Screws Loose!

Yes, that all came out of me. Click any picture to enlarge.

Forgive the less than sharp writing in this one. It's difficult to articulate details of such a significant event, that coupled with the fact that sitting at the computer was not an option for so long. There have been way too many days like Tuesday. I hung in there on an empty stomach for hours. When Mike told me it was time to go I abandoned my knee jerk neurosis about being on time in favor of denial and fear. We were late to check in at the hospital and I did not care. If you know me you'll understand the significance.

I knew my last back surgery left me with baggage, but I had no idea how heavy all those bags were until now. I was disoriented by all the things that gave me comfort earlier. New hospital, new doctor, new surgery...I felt like I was surrounded by sound and people, but nothing made much sense. In my head I was screaming and trying to cope with where I was.

When I woke up reality seemed more...solid. Nothing like some intense pain to "ground" you. The pain was more intense than I was expecting, but the emotions that came with having post surgical back pain were almost worse. Obviously, I toughed it out and got back home. It's a long road of recovery ahead, but nowhere near as long as last time. Onward a few pounds of hardware lighter I go...

The Less Bionic Woman

Today was the day I went in to see Dr. B and discuss the results of my cat scan. When he ordered the test he said he was looking to see if the bones had healed completely/correctly and to find out if I had any fractures. When I went for the scan I was told that they would send the disc to the doctor. Three guesses what the doctor did not have. After waiting over an hour the normally upbeat Dr. B came in with an unpleasant expression on his face and my results clutched in his hand.

It went something like this:

Dr. B, you don't look happy.
(He shakes his head, there is a pause)
Were there fractures?
No fractures
Ok
Where is your pain again?
Between my shoulder blades and my tailbone. (he pushes on my back)
His expression is more upset than before
I just can't tell if the bones have completely fused.
Oh.
Do you think the surgery corrected your deformity?
I didn't have a "deformity". I had 5 degrees of scoliosis since birth and 15 degrees after pregnancy. [Old Ortho] said fusing my back would help my pain and make it possible for him to fix my hip. Which he didn't end up doing.
(I can tell he's got a few choice things to say about Old Ortho now, but he won't be unprofessional)
I'd like to to take it all out.
Ok, how long in the hospital?
Three days.
Blood thinners after discharge and all that?
No
Close with staples?
Yes
So this is what you want?
Yes
Ok, I'll send her in to schedule you.

From the way he left I wonder if he yelled at someone or punched something. It blew my mind a little bit which is odd since I said from the beginning that the hardware would probably have to come out. I guess thinking of the most horrific surgery I ever endured as unnecessary messes with me a bit too. I'm a little angry at Old Ortho, but on the other hand I feel vindicated. He didn't offer a theory as to way it all came loose, but I have a working one I am researching. In the end I'm glad it's coming out. Someone listened to me and is going to fix this!

It turned out he had openings next week, but um hello I have a 4th birthday party to host. I took Tuesday 9/10 in the afternoon. I have a pre-op meeting back there on Friday and then to pre-register at the hospital. It sounds like a vacation when you get into the registering, down payments and kid logistics. I know it won't be, but I'm hoping to come out ahead this time. I'll have Roo's party to distract me before hand and Halloween after. Hurray, less cyborg parts.

Surgery, Smergery

This is not my x-ray. I just wanted to show you the little bars that go across. Those are the perpetrators. They're coming out.

Okay, being an adult blows. A lot. I want to tell you this time it's "no big deal" just a day surgery. No hospital stay required. No two year healing period. These things are all true and it is the right thing to do. Stupid right thing. Apparently, if the metal continues to protrude into the soft tissue besides hurting me it will cause scar tissue to form and adhere to the foreign bodies and cause more trouble than it's already causing. So, awesome.

There is no metaphor for this. There is no moment in a normal lifetime that feels like this one. I can only liken it to things I haven't experience, torture. If you were whipped to varying degrees 21 times you'd flinch even if someone only raised their hand to strike you. My 21st surgery, geez. I don't need anymore of this crap. I don't want my body invaded again. I'm glad there was an opening this week. I want this behind me. I'd like to skip over the moment it happens and start in the moment after. I wonder what the Buddhists would say about that plan...

If I concentrate I can imagine the offending metal pieces in a baggie, the pain in the spot finally gone and more movements gaining fluidity. I hate the anesthesia part. It's such a nasty thing. I've been told traces of it stay in your tissues for years. I've also heard that they think there's a link between frequent anesthesia and dementia, God I hope not.

Forgive my foray into melodrama, but enough is enough. Now I've got to get through this so I can be home with kids and my puppy. One foot in front of the other. I'll be fine, really. Just don't expect me to have it all together tonight. Tonight I get to stamp my feet, cry and generally be moody once the kids are in bed. Tomorrow, I'll nail down rides, babysitting, etc and then distract myself to the best of my ability. Wednesday, consent forms and lab work. Thursday surgery.