Happy Anti-Bionic-Aversary

All that horrible metal came out of my back one year ago today, September 9th. I've survived a lot, but the back surgeries are still a pretty raw nerve so I'll keep this short and sweet. Woo-hoo, 365 days of no metal in my spine! I wish I could say it was a pain free year, not even close, but it was totally the right call. Healing is such a long process. I still have the bag of screws and rods. I've been encouraged to make some kind of art piece with it, but even a year later I'm not there yet. Someday, I'll either make something beautiful out of all that ugly metal or I'll throw it away, but not today. It's just a reminder that you have to "just keep swimming."

2nd Day: 30 Days of Gratitude

I am so glad that all the metal is out of my back! I can't believe how long I walked around with that crap grating against my soft tissues. I'm so glad that's over. I am so relieved that most of what I believed was permanent mobility limitation from the fusion was actually just the over-sized and loose hardware causing pain when I moved.

Stream of Social Media: Surgery to Home

Surgery day. My rumbly tumbly and I have hours to go...So glad we pre-ordered Star Trek into Darkness (3D).
"Cuzz Katie, Life will be grand when you're healed..."
"I am hoping the anxiety of surgery is the worst part. You will be feeling better soon!!"
"Praying for success."
"Love, hugs & prayers Katie!!"
"Ok Katie update. Just went in to surgury about 3:15. She will do well, and healing will go well. Please keep the prayers coming. thanks for your support. Mike and I are here waiting @[The Hospital]."
"Katie is still in the O.R., getting close to the end of the window they told us to expect her to be out. Will update when she is in recovery."
"Longest day ever!! Finally, Katie out of surgery"
"The doc says it was one of the most unusual spinal systems he has ever seen (this is not the same guy that put it in), the universal hardware bits wouldn't work with this hardware at all and he had to drill some of them to get a grip. Apparently it made a lot more work for him. Two of the top bolts and four of the bottom ones were grossly loose and were "windshield wiper-ing" her soft tissue every time she bent."
"They say she is "closing" now - they are closing her up - its a very big incision to close."
"She is in recovery now"
"Wow. Well I'm glad she is in recovery!!!"
"Whoa"
"She is in a room set for the night, at [The Hospital]. I will go back in am and take care of her. It was hard leaving. Her biggest complaint was, where the screws were rubbing, all those spots hurt bad. Ya think? OMG! Poor thing"
"OMG I am glad that all that is fixed now. That had to be horrible. I bet she will be much better after recovery"
"Katie! I'm so glad you are so damn strong! Love ya much ! Your distant Cuz!! Everybody up north has ya in our thoughts! Muah!!"
"Aww! Glad that's over with!!"
"I can guarantee that for Katie, the worst part was telling them about the pain, and them not believing her... telling her nothing is wrong...I have broken screws in my neck hardware too, but luckily mine isn't moving around.. I laughed the day the doc asked me.. "how did you break the screws?" Like I had something to do with it..."
"Speedy recovery Katie, thoughts and prayers are with you"
"Katie you are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope this surgery makes life one step easier!"
"Glad she's on her way to healing...I bet she'll feel so much better with all that cleaned up!"
"Poor little Katie. She surely has been through a lot"

"Katie has been up in a chair for two hours, then they walked her to the door. Progress! Resting now. Thanks for all your support."
"Yea progress!! you can do it Katie!"
"Yeah!!!!!!"
"Katie is better every day. Dressing change today."
"They let her keep the stuff they took out of her back?? I hope she is still recovering quite nicely, also"

I'm home!
"YAYY!"
"Hope you are healing up okay!"
Expecting the home health nurse (change the tape!!) this morning and company this afternoon. Not such a bad one week post op.
"Someone is amazing, and her name is..Katie"
"Glad you are doing better!!"
"You are a woman/mom/wife who doesn't like to waste time! Glad to see you forging ahead so remarkably! You don't need no stinkin' Iron Man hardware - you are already a super heroine in your own right!"
"Glad to hear you are doing well.... continued prayers heading your way..."
Thanks for the bagels and the visit Diana
"You're welcome! Good to see you. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have missed someone until you see them... sniff, sniff."
Glad you are doing better my friend!!!

A Couple of Screws Loose!

Yes, that all came out of me. Click any picture to enlarge.

Forgive the less than sharp writing in this one. It's difficult to articulate details of such a significant event, that coupled with the fact that sitting at the computer was not an option for so long. There have been way too many days like Tuesday. I hung in there on an empty stomach for hours. When Mike told me it was time to go I abandoned my knee jerk neurosis about being on time in favor of denial and fear. We were late to check in at the hospital and I did not care. If you know me you'll understand the significance.

I knew my last back surgery left me with baggage, but I had no idea how heavy all those bags were until now. I was disoriented by all the things that gave me comfort earlier. New hospital, new doctor, new surgery...I felt like I was surrounded by sound and people, but nothing made much sense. In my head I was screaming and trying to cope with where I was.

When I woke up reality seemed more...solid. Nothing like some intense pain to "ground" you. The pain was more intense than I was expecting, but the emotions that came with having post surgical back pain were almost worse. Obviously, I toughed it out and got back home. It's a long road of recovery ahead, but nowhere near as long as last time. Onward a few pounds of hardware lighter I go...

The Less Bionic Woman

Today was the day I went in to see Dr. B and discuss the results of my cat scan. When he ordered the test he said he was looking to see if the bones had healed completely/correctly and to find out if I had any fractures. When I went for the scan I was told that they would send the disc to the doctor. Three guesses what the doctor did not have. After waiting over an hour the normally upbeat Dr. B came in with an unpleasant expression on his face and my results clutched in his hand.

It went something like this:

Dr. B, you don't look happy.
(He shakes his head, there is a pause)
Were there fractures?
No fractures
Ok
Where is your pain again?
Between my shoulder blades and my tailbone. (he pushes on my back)
His expression is more upset than before
I just can't tell if the bones have completely fused.
Oh.
Do you think the surgery corrected your deformity?
I didn't have a "deformity". I had 5 degrees of scoliosis since birth and 15 degrees after pregnancy. [Old Ortho] said fusing my back would help my pain and make it possible for him to fix my hip. Which he didn't end up doing.
(I can tell he's got a few choice things to say about Old Ortho now, but he won't be unprofessional)
I'd like to to take it all out.
Ok, how long in the hospital?
Three days.
Blood thinners after discharge and all that?
No
Close with staples?
Yes
So this is what you want?
Yes
Ok, I'll send her in to schedule you.

From the way he left I wonder if he yelled at someone or punched something. It blew my mind a little bit which is odd since I said from the beginning that the hardware would probably have to come out. I guess thinking of the most horrific surgery I ever endured as unnecessary messes with me a bit too. I'm a little angry at Old Ortho, but on the other hand I feel vindicated. He didn't offer a theory as to way it all came loose, but I have a working one I am researching. In the end I'm glad it's coming out. Someone listened to me and is going to fix this!

It turned out he had openings next week, but um hello I have a 4th birthday party to host. I took Tuesday 9/10 in the afternoon. I have a pre-op meeting back there on Friday and then to pre-register at the hospital. It sounds like a vacation when you get into the registering, down payments and kid logistics. I know it won't be, but I'm hoping to come out ahead this time. I'll have Roo's party to distract me before hand and Halloween after. Hurray, less cyborg parts.

Hardware Removal 2012

I refused to think for even a moment about what was happening. I focused on holidays, day to day domestic stuff and well anything else. I gave it the smallest studio apartment in NYC amount of space with a month to month lease. It wasn't a surgical event it was just another thought knocking around in my brain. How'd that work? Well, I survived.

The night before I ran errands, ate a big late dinner of surf and turf (Can you call it that when it isn't lobster?) and drank water until the last second. Generally, we have to rush around before it's light out on surgery days, but this one was slated for noon. We got all the kids dropped off and still had time to kill.

Mike took me to Lowes in my pajamas (and belly rumbling)! We wondered around and picked up some little things. Mike found this pretty fiber optic Santa village, but the display was the last one in the store. We aren't really "Christmas village" people, so believe me when I say this one is special. My socially anxious husband sought out an employee and then waited while he raised himself up in a ladder bucket dealy to grab the box for us.

I was starting to panic (but also highly amused) as we left. "Sorry we're late doctor my husband just had to have a Santa village!" We made it on time and everything ran super smoothly. Through admitting, up to pre-op, checked in and changed by 10:50am. Then we sat undisturbed for an hour surfing cyber Monday sales and joking about being forgotten (a girl can hope).

In an unprecedented turn of events the surgeon was the first person we saw. He bounded in like we were in a coffee shop and marked my hip. They all have to write on you where they're going to operate since that guy lost the wrong leg a few years back. Then he asked if I wanted to go home afterwards. He smiled as he told Mike how he ordinarily keeps people overnight, but I could "handle it" because I'm "tough." I promised to be good. They always say "see you soon", but you don't ever see them because you're under so it's hard to know how to respond. I went with "ok."

It was the weirdest thing, the anesthesiologist appeared, the scrub nurse, the pre-op nurse all at once after all that quiet. I felt like a car descended on by a pit crew. Questions asked, IV in, drugs in IV and GO! GO! GO! I'm not complaining, it was a nice change of pace.

I had to stay in recovery for over an hour because I was cold. 94.4 degrees the nurse said. Weird. They kept covering me with blankets and taking my temperature. She asked about pain and I told her it just felt swollen, but I wasn't allowed ice for a while. It was back up to pre-op once I was living person temperature again. Mike was frazzled. He left to meet Isaac after school, but I had to stay an hour with no problems in order to be released.

It was the fast food style hospital visit, in and out. Strange. It was no fuss all the way around: no lengthy pre-surgery to do list, no scheduling drama, no admission, no begging to be discharged. I think most of my family forgot it was even happening, expect for my poor mom who had Riley last minute and got kidnapped on the way home from the hospital to help out. I also had a super thoughtful friend bring dinner and take Riley for a few hours Tuesday. Thank goodness for them both because the down side to not thinking about it is that I didn't make any plans for being incapacitated.

There weren't any messages or texts waiting for me when I got home (aka before the drugs wore off). so I made "check in" calls to a few people changed my status and passed out. It seems obvious already this is going to be more painful than I expected.

Becoming Less Bionic

We all got up at 4am and had every dressed and in car by 4:30am. I was oddly calm. My usual early morning pre-sugery cry did not occur. I think running late is usually what sets me off and we were on time. I left my rings at home and wore a comfy sun dress. We dropped off and picked up on our way. We were so early getting to the hospital that the admission office wasn't open. Can you imagine, people lining up like concert goers at the hospital.

When we got up to the pre-op waiting area I was happy to see my favorite nurse in pre-op. That's how you know you've been to frequent a flyer. We chatted, but then she sent me to a "room" on the opposite then I've always had. It sounds stupid, but it was a little unnerving to me. On top of that I didn't get my favorite nurse. She's prepped me for every surgery I've had here. Unnerving. I was exhausted and nothing was right.

My nurse this time was nice, but I'm afraid she had big shoes to fill. Mike had to leave to take Isaac to school. I didn't have Mike or my nurse. My mom was sitting with me and I told her not to leave to get a soda because every time Mike has done that in past something bad has happened. She laughed at my story, but when she went to get a soda she got stuck in the elevator!

When I woke up I was groggy, but not out of it. They put me into a twilight instead of putting me completely under. I got to get all comfy on my belly with foam pillows on the operating table. I remember nothing after that point until I woke. That gave me 3 different anti-nausea meds. In recovery I talked the nurse and student doctor (who observed my surgery) ears off. I scored some ice chips too.

I was back in the pre-op area soon after that. My nurse gave me crackers and a ginger ale. I felt like a rock star at that point. Eating even a cracker or 2 was exciting. It was right after they pulled my IV and helped back into my dress that I started throwing up. Sigh.. All those anti-nausea meds couldn't over come all the drugs on empty stomach. I was afraid they'd make me stay, but they weren't overly concerned.

I was home by 1pm. It's hard to tell how successful it all was between the pain and drugs. I asked for the metal they took out. They said everything that comes out during surgery has to go to pathology before it can be released. Seems silly to me since it's not biological. I have to go back later to pick it up. I'm dying to see what it looks like since I've only seen it on x-ray. It may also earn me some cool points with Isaac.

Surgery, Smergery

This is not my x-ray. I just wanted to show you the little bars that go across. Those are the perpetrators. They're coming out.

Okay, being an adult blows. A lot. I want to tell you this time it's "no big deal" just a day surgery. No hospital stay required. No two year healing period. These things are all true and it is the right thing to do. Stupid right thing. Apparently, if the metal continues to protrude into the soft tissue besides hurting me it will cause scar tissue to form and adhere to the foreign bodies and cause more trouble than it's already causing. So, awesome.

There is no metaphor for this. There is no moment in a normal lifetime that feels like this one. I can only liken it to things I haven't experience, torture. If you were whipped to varying degrees 21 times you'd flinch even if someone only raised their hand to strike you. My 21st surgery, geez. I don't need anymore of this crap. I don't want my body invaded again. I'm glad there was an opening this week. I want this behind me. I'd like to skip over the moment it happens and start in the moment after. I wonder what the Buddhists would say about that plan...

If I concentrate I can imagine the offending metal pieces in a baggie, the pain in the spot finally gone and more movements gaining fluidity. I hate the anesthesia part. It's such a nasty thing. I've been told traces of it stay in your tissues for years. I've also heard that they think there's a link between frequent anesthesia and dementia, God I hope not.

Forgive my foray into melodrama, but enough is enough. Now I've got to get through this so I can be home with kids and my puppy. One foot in front of the other. I'll be fine, really. Just don't expect me to have it all together tonight. Tonight I get to stamp my feet, cry and generally be moody once the kids are in bed. Tomorrow, I'll nail down rides, babysitting, etc and then distract myself to the best of my ability. Wednesday, consent forms and lab work. Thursday surgery.