Boundaries and You...

When Riley was 6mo old I wrote a post about boundaries and my then still small baby. Notably one horrific incident when someone crossed the line. Recently my friend Kati wrote about the same disturbingly-insistent-on-helping-not-taking-no-for-an answer behavior in one of her posts. I went back and read my old post and fumed at "the nerve of some people" a little while later, when another disabled mom friend of mine (it's not like a club or anything I know four of them tops from my 29yrs on the planet) posted this. This left me really pondering the root of this kind of behavior because while Kati and I have little ones 2yrs or under, Misty has a 4yr old. I always believed people acted this way around my newborn and myself because she was so tiny and helpless. If I was right, it would stop some day. After reading Misty's post I had my doubts.

Doubts and questions to be exact. So much for getting credit for raising my child through infancy. First of all on a completely unrelated note why do all the disabled moms I know (yes all 4) have girls? Second of all why do people make such brazen assumptions? Is it because we are physically disabled women? I don't know any disabled daddies to research that quandry, so it's kind of a moot point. Maybe it's because we're all young? All this seems too general and over simplified.

Moreover, on what planet do you politely offer your help, get refused and then insist? Especially in my example where it involved a strange man removing Riley from the carrier on my chest and walking several feet away with her?!? Even in a case where your help is accepted why would you (Sorry, Misty's story makes me a little ill) stalk someone and undermine their parenting authority? What could you possibly be thinking? When would you ever barge into the parent/chlid relationship of a stranger (other than a case of child abuse)?

Kati makes an important point, about this behavior whatever your intentions are when you insist or clearly overstep social boundaries you are making us feel judged. I take care of my child everyday and you are insinuating that I am incompetent. I am a mother first, if at anytime I feel incapable of safely taking my child somewhere, I don't go. Most of the time I either have a system in place or I'm feeling it out and it's important for me to get my bearings.

Think of it this way (an exxageration so everyone can relate to the embarrasment), you're out somewhere and you see an attractive person of the opposite gender. You get an opportunity to hold the door and you are you greeted with a warm smile. Feeling encouraged, you follow them inside. They do not acknowledge/encourage you in anyway at this point so you follow them around "just in case." When they leave you follow them to their car and try to hold that door too. They say "no thanks" and turn their back to you. You're not deterred and insist on opening the car door AND buckling them in. Hmmm...wonder why they're not smiling?

If you wouldn't do it to another parent, why would you do it to me? I love it when someone holds the door for me when my hands are full. I appreciate a friendly offer, but no means no folks. Just like hitting on strangers in bars, there are boundaries.