Not So Black and White

In the bewildering onslaught of information the internet brought us a whole new dimension of confusion and guilt was brought to parenting. When wading through the endless information on infants one begins to wonder how you could have been so oblivious to this strange universe of information. Breastfeeding, Boppy, Bumbo, Attachment Parenting, Elimination Communication, Baby Sign Language, Co-Sleeping, Co-Parenting, Cloth Diapering, Alternative Vaccination Schedule, Organic Baby Food, Developmental Milestones, Cry it Out, Accredited Day Care Provider, Mommy and Me, Dry Max, Sophie the Giraffe...etc into infinity

I know that I often seek out the right answer before realizing the only one who can know that is Riley and I. You forget doing a Google search and reading message board posts that there isn't one "right way" to be. A thousand signatures on message boards scream things like "breast is best" or "proud cloth diapering momma." I just don't understand everyone's compulsive need to label themselves (not that I don't occasionally suffer from it). Sure, I'm proud that Riley and I have been breastfeeding for 10mo and I mark each of those milestones in my signature, but I don't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with doing it any other way.

I don't think these things are as cut and dry as they seem. There are people who boast "breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering momma" and inversely "formula feeding, independently sleeping, disposable diapering momma." Why does it need to be one or the other? Personally I am a mostly breast feeding mom, but I've (gasp) had to give her formula a few times and may have to again. In this day and age why should there be guilt over percentage of formula versus breast milk? Why should I (and I have) refrain form using the EBF (exclusively breast fed) abbreviation in silent self loathing? Most babies these days are a mix from what I can tell. I know my mom and aunt described breastfeeding their kids for about 3mo before switching to formula when they went back to work in a completely unemotional way.

As far as where Riley sleeps anyone with a child under a year should know what I mean when I say that wherever she'll sleep longest wins that contest. Riley slept in a bassinet for about when she came home from the hospital and occasionally in our bed. She moved to her crib on the day she turned 2mo old because she outgrow her bassinet and it was stressful having a flailing baby in our bed. She slept in her own crib the majority of nights after that barring illness, teething or clingyness. Since my surgery she's been co-sleeping because I can't get up and down easily or lift her at all. Truthfully it's deceitful to identify myself either way because even when she slept all night in the crib most of the time we napped together. I don't know many mommy who don't take every opportunity to cuddle up with their baby. Should I feel bad that Riley and I both sleep better in our own beds? No. Do I judge my friend for sleeping with her baby until he was 2? No.

Baby wearing is just what it sounds like. Suddenly it's an alternative lifestyle to put your baby in a sling. I have no choice if I needed to carry the baby into the sling she went. Also, if it was too far to walk I'd use my wheelchair and pop her in the Ergo to keep my hands free. This one for me is kind of along the lines of "natural birthing mama" some of us don't have a choice. So, in that case I was in the less socially acceptable group and in this case I'm one of the cool kids, but not because of any deeply held convictions. You can make all the plans you want in the end it's what works for you and the tiny new human, intentions be damned.

Cloth diapers have really become trendy lately which is awesome. I love what the recession has done for environmental awareness. I really like all the adorable cloth diaper options although there's precious little in the known universe that isn't cuter than a disposable diaper. I didn't go that route for one reason, time. If I didn't have a 7yr at home I probably would have tried cloth diapers in the beginning. Now with all the surgery stuff I'm super glad I didn't it's hard enough to keep on top of diapers as it is. In general having a first baby that isn't the only kid at home causes me to make alterations in my plans here and there. I use disposable diapers and it probably negates or outweighs the money we save on formula, but oh well. It works best for us right now.

Nobody fits this crazy extreme super mom persona. Do what works for you and your wee one and hope other moms can do the same without guilt. We're just aiming for happy, healthy babies who will grow into reasonably well adjusted adults. At least those are my general goals.

Chuck E Cheese

In general it's one of my least favorite places to be, but a trip there is quite a kid motivator. After Isaac's first week of science camp earned him glowing praise for his excellent behavior and manners we decided a Chuck E Cheese trip was in order. We still had a cup full of unspent tokens and a mass of tickets from the last school sponsored Chuck E Cheese night. With the online coupons it's $26 for a large pizza, 4 drinks and 50 tokens (we never go without a coupon). So, we invited some of Isaac's friends and made arrangements to borrow a bigger vehicle.

Loaded 3 kids, the carseat and baby, the wheelchair and 2 adults into the van I felt like the Duggars. I was so excited to have a van full of kids on our way to have fun. I kept teasing Mike that we should pick up a few more kids. I'm serious I was sincerely excited. We arrived and each member of our group was stamped with a matching black light responsive number. The commericals would have you believe that parents can have a nice relaxing evening due to this "kid check."

Getting in the door, pizza ordered and a table without everyone taking off in opposite directions was the first of many hurdles. I mistakenly selected a table in the "toddler zone" thinking it would be quieter. It may have less traffic, but was not any quieter. The toddler tantrums, wailing babies and dirty diaper smell outweighed the initial appeal. I also had a great view of the exit. I started counting how many kids were leaving in tears for something to do as everyone was off burning through tokens while Riley and I held the table. I realized at this point it would be problematic to breastfeed facing the exit on one side and the huge window that faces the parking lot on the other.

When the pizza arrived I had no way to alert the troops, which in my opinion is the biggest problem with that place. If they had an efficient way to call people back to the table it would really help because it's impossible to hear a cell phone or your own thoughts in there. By the time everyone made it back I'd been hit up for tokens by a smooth talking kindergartner, lost my flip flop under the table and used 3 wipes between Riley and I after we touched the horrifyingly dirty "Chuck E. Phone".

I did end up having to nurse Riley in the wheelchair stall. The only thing grosser than the greasy germy games in the toddler area has got to be the bathroom. Ick. When Riley and I emerged the kiddos were feeding their tickets to the ticket counting machines. Remember when you had to know how to count to claim your prizes? The machines do make an adorable "munch, munch" sound as they eat the tickets, however.

We'd been saving our tickets for over a year and Isaac came away with a respectable 500. I'll have you know that after all the ticket hoarding Isaac had made it out of the glass case and onto the prize wall by the skin of his teeth. He picked a diary with some Disney show aimed at a female audience on the cover. His friends got a piece of candy and decided to save their tickets for next time respectively. I also think it's interesting to note that they now have signs proclaiming "1 Cent=1 ticket."

Then we gathered up our tired herd of dinosaurs and I remembered yet again why I hate that place.

Still Overwhelming But Never Boring

In my pre-surgery life Wednesday was always coffee at Panera's with the women in Mike's family. So, Mike asked if I wanted to ride with him to drop Isaac off at camp and then go next door to Panera's for breakfast. I'd been there once before and it wasn't a great experience. The walker I'm using right now is super noisy and I'm slow so I really get to soak in all the open mouth stares. Elderly people are the worst like they have the market cornered on walkers and such so manners don't apply to them. Anyway, by the time I got to the table that day I was pissed off and tired. So, today went better, but I still wanted to get home and lay down right away.

I laid down for an hour and a half or so and then the baby was getting hungry. Mike brought Riley's brand new high chair into the bedroom so I could feed her from bed. She had pasta stars with sause and tiny meatballs. She was thrilled with the menu and very quickly figured out that if she leaned back all the way quickly I couldn't reach her, the stinker. So, she sharpened her already impressive ninja skills by dunking her hands in the bowl and then finger painting her tray before I could catch her and wipe her off. She followed that up by over turning all of the contents onto the highchair and herself.

At this point I'm tired and in pain and wondering how in the heck to clean this mess up wihout bending, lifting or twisting. It was just at that moment that backup arrived. The baby juggler arrived and while my little one and hers took turns fussing she swiflty bathed and dressed Riley and washed Riley's modern art from the tray.

Clean Riley her buddy played while Mommy rested on the couch. There's nothing like a couple of happy babies to speed your recovery and quiet the irrational need to "have a few more." I mean that in the best way possible. Brief periods of happy choas are good for the soul. Thank goodness for good frieds and cool babies.

Adventures Out In The World

Tuesdays were always mommy group days. Because of the surgery I missed a few weeks and was just itching to get out of the house in general. My amazing mommy group friends had been so supportive and helpful delivering meals, visiting, helping with Riley. One of the girls offered to drive me to group this week. I was thrilled I even put on jeans for the first time since surgery for the occasion.

She pulled up in her four runner and swiftly buckled Riley's carseat into the backseat next to her little man who was snoozing despite kids sing along songs music playing just on the back speakers. Then I pulled myself into the passenger seat while my wheelchair was loaded in the back and we were off. I forgot my parking permit so we parked in the parking garage. It was the last space before the structure went up a floor so it was at a pretty extreme incline, but I was so excited to be there it didn't occur to me to worry.

She unloaded my wheelchair first as Riley stubbornly trying to converse with her sleeping friend in the backseat. I got out of the car and into the chair easily enough. She handed Riley over and we strapped her into the Ergo. She made sure we were settled for a moment and went to get her little one on the other side of the car. I felt the chair starting to tip and focused on keeping my face and voice relaxed for Riley's sake. "Uh-oh" I uttered quietly as I grabbed her head and pressed it to my chest. I braced myself and when we hit the ground I exhaled and looked at Riley who was grinning from ear to ear. Satisfied that she was unharmed and still wanting not to alarm her I called my friend and simply said "we tipped over."

She said "What?!?" dropped her bag and flew around the car. I had been joking the day before if I fell at this point I'd be like a turtle on it's back flailing pointlessly. I was correct. She asked what she should do and I laughed because I had no idea what to tell her. She put Riley back in her carseat and we started with my legs since I could move those and the whole chair was to heavy and at an awkward angle to lift. Then I rolled on my side so she could pull the chair out from under me. I managed to get to my hands and knees and at that point she lifted me into standing position.

Now, back in the chair Riley strapped on and my friend pushing the wheelchair with her little guy on her hip we pressed on. Everyone was so happy to see me and it felt so good to be back. It's astonishing how quickly time passes. Riley is now one of the "older babies" one of her friends from group turned one and the little guy we rode with is walking. As group wore on towards the 2hr mark I felt myself spacing out. My friend approached to inform me I looked pale and she was gonna pull the car around.

As soon as we had loaded up the sky opened up. Good timing. She offered me some chocolate covered almonds which I happily accepted. I've been having blood sugar issues I thinking it just takes a lot of nutrients to heal a wound this big. We sat in my driveway waiting for the rain to let up with two soundly sleeping babies in the back and chatted.

Once I was inside slightly damp with baby in my lap I noticed some "unusual" pain. Mike rushed into another room to take a crisis call from work and Riley who was still dressed in her beautiful white outfit had a diaper explosion. She wanted of course to get off my lap and get poop on whatever she could find, but I fought her and restrained her. The universe loves to overwhelm me. Mike managed to toss me a diaper and a wipes box. The wipes box was empty, ha ha universe. I continued to restrain the baby and breath through pain, but now I was started to lose my calm.

Once I had wipes I held Riley across my legs on her tummy, unfastened her diaper wiped her back, pulled off her bloomers and shirt and then wiped her butt. Once I had her butt clean I pulled the diaper out and rolled her over. Diaper changing without the ability to bend, think about it. I tried to get her to stand up so I could wipe her front, but in true toddler fashion she folded like a lawnchair repeatedly. Once she was clean to the best of my ability I put the diaper down open and tried to sit her on it. I can't support her weight so if she objects we have problems. I kept thinking the last thing I needed was to be peed on right now. Somehow I got her butt covered I laid her back and pulled it through her legs and fastened one side. At this point Riley is furious and the only thing she wants is to get down. Since I refuse to let her the only recourse left to her is to twist and turn like sheets on a clothesline in a hurricane so that I can not fasten the other side. Somehow I overcame my willful and indignant little girl.

With the baby clean I called the Ortho's office and informed that I did my own stunts that morning. They asked me to present myself for x-rays. I called around for help and secured a ride and in one of numerous feats of baby juggling that day another mommy group friend got Riley and I to the Dr. Both babies dozed on her lap in the waiting room while I was subjected to multiple x-rays while the pain crashed in waves. I was in tears when the Dr finished his phone call and came to tell me everything looked fine. I was told to rest and come back if it wasn't better in a week, nice huh? A week.

We got home and after many thank yous I went to bed. Thank you my amazing mommy group, my baby jugglers, my creative diaper manuvers, my cell phone, Extra Strength Tylenol, will power, video on demand, and memory foam I survived.

Toddler, Already???

The cleaning lady comes every Monday. Floors are a big deal because of the baby so we always have her clean all the floors. Last week she had done all of them except the kitchen so Riley crawled in there and when she came out she was chewing something. It's always a trouble when you suddenly notice chewing. You say a silent prayer that it's a Cheerio, but you know it won't be. What could she possibly have you think to yourself all the floors are clean...a small white rock. That's right, a rock. I pulled 2 of them out of her mouth that day.

Later her first tooth appeared and I couldn't help laughing remembering the African baby from Babies teething on a rock. Her front bottom tooth showed up after a particularly bad reoccurring rash and some intermittent crankiness. It was very exciting. She had the tooth 48hrs before she tried to put a toy in her mouth while crawling and bit her lip! Poor pumpkin, bit her lip on her only tooth. She looked so shocked with her bloody lip.

So, other than the rocks Riley lusts after the cat's food. We had to put up a baby gate to deter her. Now she sits on the outside of the gate and watches the kitty eat. Riley loves the kitty. Everything the kitty does is fascinating. The other day the cat was chasing a little beetle and Riley crawled right over for a front row seat to the event. I look into the hallway from the bathroom to see Riley pick something up from the floor and put it in her mouth. I'm yelling at her to spit it out, but I can't get to her. Mike picked her up and ran over to me so I could fish it out. "Oh, a dead bug. Nice Ri...Live bug! live bug. As the beetle goes flying into the bath tub.

Along with teeth comes the disappearing reappearing diaper rash. It's really frustrating and painful. The best thing for it is air so the other day Mike let her play in her super yard diaperless. She was having a great time in there and then all the sudden she stood up yelled to get my attention and pooped right on the carpet.

She also wants to do everything herself and help you with whatever you're doing. She'll reach over and put her little hands on my back to "help" me get into bed and clap for me when I stand up from the couch. It has it's advantages, but the other day she wanted to help carry my phone. The keypad was locked when I handed it to her. She started dancing when it started ringing and I was laughing too hard to be in a hurry to answer it. It was 911 calling me back because Riley had called them and locked my phone in emergency mode. Sigh. Yeah, I think toodlerhood is here.

Coordinating Baby and Hospital...

My biggest concern pre-surgery was getting Riley to me. I wish they would have let her stay with me. Of course I was grossly overestimating my ability to take care of her immediately after surgery. The hospital said she could come before and stay after visiting hours as long as an adult was with her. Coordinating this was the hardest part.

On the first day once the tube was out I remember begging to be moved off of my sweaty, bandaged back. Left side, sleep, right side, sleep, left side, etc. I'm also told my face was horribly swollen and I have a vague memory of Michael and the baby being there. It's very surreal.

The next day I was together enough to call Michael and ask when Riley was coming. I was still in the ICU, but between the amazing lactation consultant and my incredible friend who braved the ICU with her baby on one hip and mine on the other that was an amazing day. Both of those women are my heroes. It was despite all odds an overall good day because of them.

The next hurdle came when they announced late that afternoon that they wanted to move me to a "step down" unit and then to my actual room later on. So, first moving after major surgery always sucks. Second, they said I could not have a private room. I wasn't trying to be a diva I just didn't want my baby around sick people or to a lesser extend to breastfeed/pump in front of some stranger. Even though I had arranged everything months in advance and gotten permission I was informed in a nasty tone that a private room was not "medically necessary" because "nursing mothers don't have special privileges."

I called the afore mentioned amazing lactation consultant and told her about the nursing staff's plans. She swept through that unit in a hurricane of efficient putting-people-in-their-placedaness. After she left the nurses tune changed to "we have plenty of beds. We'll keep you here until your regular room is ready".

Following my move out of the ICU I remember everything in a blur. There was lots and lots of itchy tape which is perfectly sensible with an incision the length of your back. However, promptly complaining about the horrible itchiness of the bandage when the physician's assistant asked about pain was clearly surprised her. Don't get me wrong this was by far my most painful surgery (I would rather give birth), which is why I tried to focus on anything, but the pain. It itched horribly, still does.

There was so much pain that I kept that Morphine pain pump (same thing they gave me after the C-section) for 4days. Until this point I have never kept one of those (I've had at least 5)for more than 48hrs. I still feel like a wimp about it. Speaking of pain medicine at least once a day a nurse or other member of hospital staff would freak out about me feeding the baby. Cue the so amazing lactation consultant. She set more than a few people straight. I have to say I was completely insulted that no one bothered to ask me whether I was sure it was ok to feed the baby. Clearly the woman with the breast pump next to her bed since she was admitted and once a day visits from a lactation consultant is just "winging it" and keeping her fingers crossed she doesn't dose her only daughter with something harmful. Come on!!

Overall, I am beyond blessed to have had enough people who love me to always have Riley with me most of the day for time I was in the hospital. Thank you all so much. I couldn't have gotten this far without her or you. Thank you.

Surgery Complete

I'm pretty sure this surgery was my 16th. It certainly wasn't my first rodeo if you know what I mean. I was expecting to wake up in the recovery room briefly and then be transfered to my regular room. What do I know, I expected to have surgery at noon.

I woke up intubated (with a tube down my throat), hands in restraints in the ICU. Surprise! Apparently, I was in surgery until 2am. The story goes that not long into the procedure they noticed some strange nerve activity and had to "wake me up" to test my nerve function. No, thank God I do not remember this, but it did cause the surgery to drag on a bit. Which meant prolonged exposure to anesthetic hence breathing tube in the intensive care unit.

Scary stuff. I really couldn't tell ya how long I belched, gagged and cried with that stupid tube in before they finally pulled it out. On the plus side I was able to see the baby. I was terrified intensive care would mean no Riley.

Surgery Behind the Scenes

I watch Grey's Anatomy alot. So, I kept imagining my surgery from a a TV doctor's prospective (although my Ortho is certainly no McDreamy). I imagined how I'd be laying face down on the operating table and they would have those blue things with the hole cut in it revealing my spine.

To be clear I'd imagine all this in great medical show detail for about a minute or two, get completely freaked out and refuse to think about it anymore. I mean it's all well and good to watch celebrities pretend to undergo experimental brain operations, but I miss the days when I was a kid and had no idea what happened between "falling asleep" and waking up in the recovery room.

They told me to be to the hospital at 6am Monday morning. I hate being a grown up, I really truly do at moments like that. Wake up early and proceed in orderly fashion to the last place on earth you'd want to be. This time I kept thinking "they never show this part on tv."

First, no one ever complains about being starving on the doctor shows even though you can't eat after midnight the night before you have surgery. Which makes for another one of those being grown up sucks moment. I was hungry, but most of all I was thirsty! I woke up at 2am with cotton mouth wishing I had chugged some water at 11:30p.

So, now I'm tired, anxious and starving and marching off to have a major operation. They admitted me, tagged me like a deer on a nature preserve and sent me for another CT scan. The tech from the one I had 48hrs before came in and asked why I was being subjected to another one. All we could come up with between us was that this was a slightly more detailed picture on this particular machine. Fussy, surgeons!

Back to pre-op waiting area after that. I got weighed and measured, gave blood and urine, changed into a stylish gown and was put on iv fluids. Mike, Riley and I hunkered down for what was at this point supposed to be a 5hr wait. I fed the baby, zoned in and out on the very limited television options and waited.

At the 4hr mark the anesthesiologist came in. This is customary, however the conversation that followed was NOT.

Exit Mike to get a drink.
Enter Dr. "I think I'm being helpful, by really telling it like is"
DR: Oh! Hi, I saw you over here with the baby, but I didn't think it was you having this procedure.
(I assume because my age, but I wasn't sure)
DR: This is a major surgery you know.
Me: Yes. (laughing) It's hard to take metal being inserted into the spinal column lightly.
Dr: I'm serious.
Me: I know.
Dr: Are you sure you want to do this? One of the risks is that you could wake up blind.
Me: What?
Dr: From laying face down and all the blood draining down with gravity and pooling for so long. Blindness is a risk.
Me: Well, my surgeon specializes in this procedure.
Dr: (back pedaling a bit) Oh, yes! Well, if you're gonna do it you've got the right guy. How old is your baby?
Me: 9mo.
Dr: Why are doing this now?
Me: (taken aback)...pain
Dr: Oh.
Enter pleasant woman with GIANT syringe
Woman: Hi.
Me: (eyes locked on syringe) um, hi (starting to wonder why getting a soda is taking so long)
Woman: I need to start another I.V. (gesturing towards syringe) and get some blood
Me: (Turning pail) Sigh...You asked whether I was sure before the giant syringe, second IV, needing more blood information
DR: Oh, are you reconsidering (now he smiles)
Enter Mike in time to watch all the fun.

Now, Dr. Helpy Helpenstein apparently prescribed anti-anxiety meds and pain killers after our little talk. The nurse informed me very matter of factly that she was going to give me these things. I looked at Mike and the baby then back at the nurse. We had a discussion and decided to forgo anti anxiety meds and save the pain meds for the last minunte.

At this point we still believed I was going into surgery at noon. So, we waited some more I fed the baby and ignored some more TV. At 5min till 12:00 when I was sure the baby had her fill I consented reluctantly to the pain meds. I really hate that crap by the way. So, we keep waiting. Now. I'm doopey, pissed off, exhausted, starving and unable to feed the baby.

The nurse called down to the OR a couple times for updates and the Ortho was still going strong on his first case. Mike and I started to worry I'd get bumped after all this. Just before 5pm word came that he'd finished the first case.

Now his "team" came parading through the now empty pre-op waiting area all smiles. Dr. Helpful was not among them thank God. We all had a nice chat and then they gave 5min to pump what I could before having to lay boob down for many hours. I hugged and kissed Mike and Riley. Then the nice young anesthesiologist said "Ok, I have some happy juice for ya."

I don't remember anything after that...