Remembering With Intensity

Memory is funny. I can not believe how long has passed since certain events because I remember them so vividly. There's no logic to it at all. I'll be blurry on something a few months ago, but crystal clear on events from 10yrs ago. It's not always by significance either. Today, I saw someone I went to college with. That got me feeling nostalgic and I realized when looking up another friend from that era (who I wasn't extremely close with by any means) that I can still hear his voice perfectly.

I remember a blue dress my mother owned in the early 80's. I don't believe this dress had any significance, but for some reason it floats into my conscious thought off and on. Strange. I remember the way my dad smelled when I was a kid, cold air and cigarettes. Strange my parents have asked me if I remember people or pets from my childhood and I don't. I remember dresses and smells. I remember toys I had when I should have been too small to remember anything.

On the other hand I know that there are pictures I've seen of my childhood that have become part of my memories. Weird. False memories, I think I'm remembering the event, but actually it's the picture I remember seeing. I've strayed, but I wonder why some things are remembered with such intensity? My first kiss is in technicolor compared to last Christmas. Most of middle school is black and white if not missing all together. So strange. What determines which memories are brighter? I have tried a few times to will a memory to stick, but it doesn't always leave as deep an imprint as I think it will.

I imagine organizing my memories into old fashioned file cabinets. Large heavy drawers and then coding them by brightness. Making the false memories live together in a corner cabinet while my most precious memories are front and center in full color. The more I think about needing to turn up the intensity on my memories the more I worry I'll have the opposite effect. I am scared witless of dementia. I can't imagine how terrifying it must be.

I digress, again, if I were in charge of the intensity of memories how would I choose to promote (or not)? I think some people have already figured out the way to do it. I've been with someone witnessing something and then been astonished when they don't remember. I don't think only happy memories should be bright or tragic ones should all be dimmed. I think I'm glad it's not up to my conscious brain.

Photo Thursday: Builders Edition

I think it's in her blood. I'm pretty proud.

Wardrobe Change

Riley's always been fashion forward, but it's really kicking into high gear latly. She pitched a fit in the backseat recently because she found a pair of socks that matched her outfit better and wanted them changed right away. I wish I were kidding. If something (even water) spills on her shirt she cries until you change it. She even dictates what color Mommy or Daddy should wear sometimes. She's got her own style. I just try to follow her lead.

Now she picks out her clothes if I don't beat her to it and if I do she has strong opinions. That's all fine. I like that she cares because in all the years of raising her brother he has NEVER bothered to match or change a dirty shirt. It's refreshing. Except that now she wants multiple wardrobe changes a day. I indulged it once. The next time I rode out the fits when I refused.

It's clear this will be a consistent issue for a while so I knew a middle ground had to be reached. My laundry, back and sanity refuse to change her complete outfit, shoes and barette more than once a day. I decided I need to get on the ball about picking out her clothes. Maybe start choosing them the night before. On top of that I told her I'd give her two choices in the morning.

That way she feels in control, but there's one outfit a day barring spills or weather change. I just had this brilliant idea so we haven't made it part of the routine yet. Cross your fingers...

Conversations With Cute: Wedding

We'd been reading Eloise At The Wedding (Riley's favorite of the flower girl books I got from the library). In the story Eloise meets a bride who's getting married in the ballroom of the hotel she lives in. The bride is crying because her flower girl is sick. She says:

My flower girl is sick. How can I get married?

Riley came into my room one morning and looked at me sweetly and said:
Mommy, How can I get married?
(a little taken a back) Well...You meet your prince, he puts a ring on your finger, you buy a dress and have a wedding.
Yup! (pushes her doll stroller down the hall)
A few minutes later I realized she was quoting the book and felt silly.

A different day she brought me my butterfly kneeling pad from outside and said Here Mommy! For your weddin' day. Here ya go! For your weddin' day. Who knows what she thought I'd need that for...

Riley was in Daddy's arms yesterday and I reached up and gave her a squeeze. She grabbed my hand and said: What's that?. Mike answered that it was my ring.

Who gave me that ring, Riley? (fully expecting her to say Daddy)
The prince! (she obviously remembered our conversation from the other day)
That's right. What does that ring mean?
Silence
(prompting) We're going to have...
CAKE!!!
She's not wrong.

Today she noticed flowers on her shirt and exclaimed:
Look! I have weddin' flowers on my shirt!

Teaching the Classics

Riley was playing in the tub last night and she started yelling "Juliet! Juuuuuliet!"

Are you calling Juliet?
Yup! She's with the elves on TV
You mean the gnomes.
Her mean friend wears a flower shirt.
He sure does. Do you remember his name?
Um...Tickles.
Close, it's Tybalt.
Yeah! Tickles.
It's Ty-balt, honey. He's actually Juliet's cousin.
Uh-huh, Tickles is her meeeeaaan cousin.

Even with her silly pronunciation of his name she has an fair grasp on the plot, given that she's two and her knowledge of Shakespeare's classic play was delivered via animated gnomes.

Not Missing Daddy

Mike returned from his bachelor party in high spirits this morning. I was still grumbling about the time change, but it didn't seem to dampen the festivities too much. It sounds like they had fun. We certainly had fun here. Isaac went to grandpa's to see Harrison and have pizza. Riley had Boo over to play and have pizza. Isaac came home around 7 and retired to his room to "work on his warp drive."

The girls donned princess dresses, watched PBS shows and spun like tops. They cooked, built towers out of blocks and hula hooped. The held hands and ran around. They ate lollipops and sang. They looked at books, they jumped and laughed. They played and played and played. Every once in a while it's nice not to have to share your best friend or worry too much about bed time.

It was a blast. Definitly in the top ten days of her lifetime. After Boo went home there was a bubble bath, jammies and THREE bed time stories. Needless to say she didn't miss Daddy one bit. This morning we ate the left over blueberry muffins and watched Alice in Wonderland. It's been on my mind. God Bless Amazon $1.99 rentals. Then Riley cooked in her princess Belle dress for a bit. After that we put on Disney's Robin Hood, Riley likes Sir Hiss. She painted a pink and yellow picture.

She looked over her shoulder at me from the easel and asked "Mommy is it running and yelling time?" So cute. I responded "Yes, honey I'll go get your shoes." I had just wiped her down and gotten her dressed when Mike came home. She was completely absorbed in playing outside and bearly paused to greet him.

I sent Mike to shower and nap while I wore Riley out a bit more. Then I had Riley pottied, cookie-ed, storyed and down for nap by 12:10. Mike's snoring beside me as I type. I'm so nice. I have alterior motives though. I do want thim to have a recovery period, but we need groceries and wedding beverages. So, we'll be shopping when everyone wakes up. There's a lot to discuss now that we're 9 days away. What a fun night/morning. I think we had as much fun as Mike and the boys.

Mad As A Hatter

Yesterday, I got to run to the craft store by myself. Mike needed his last batch of centerpiece supplies so I snagged a few this for this little project. My bridesmaids are throwing me a Mad Hatter Tea Party bridal shower. So, I made a Cheshire Cat/spring themed mad hat. I just tucked and pinned some fun things to my wicker fedora. Including some felt cat ears. Fun, huh. I have a cute dark pink dress to wear with it too.

I'm not the only one getting in the spirit either. This is my cousin's mad hat. So cute, right? Totally hand made (unlike mine) cardboard and a pair of girls velor sweatpants. Love it! Yay, craftyness.

Mike got up and made muffins for breakfast with Riley this morning which was lovely. He's off for his bachelor party overnight at the beach tonight. Isaac is at my dad's playing with his friend for a few hours. Riley and I are watching Disney movies. I know tomorrow will be crazy because I want to take the week off from wedding stuff if I can manage it. What an unfocused post...well they can't all be winners.

On the Verge...

Of a big shift. At least that's the way it seems to me. It has little to do with the piece of paper we got today allowing us to legally marry and everything to do with being grown up. Maybe that's not the best way to put it. I've been young and free. Then we were young and struggling in every way. We struggled with finances, relationships and our roles. Now we are older, wiser and on far more solid ground. We are moving past that part of our lives.

Just like we left behind our twenties and our old house the bad times are behind us. At least the kind of times when I was wrapped in confusion about what I was doing with my life (or who I should spend it with). Little things like receiving a set of stemless wine glasses as a wedding gift cause me to reflect a moment on what adults we've really become. It's like we were living the roles of parent/partner, etc but we hadn't accepted and settled into them. Now we're settling in.

I admitted out loud the other day that I have a relationship with my frying pan. That is not a thing you hear a young woman say (in general). Ok, yes stay-at-home-mom, mother of two, homemaker, (almost) wife I accept that this is where I am in my life at this moment. It's alright. I no longer wrestle with who I thought I was at 25yr or where I hoped to be by 30. This is where I am. Life marches on and I'm blessed in a lot of ways.

How Quickly We Forget

I took care of a baby for a few hours today. It was fun. We're good friends, this little bit and I. I'm a little out of practice with the diaper changing at this point though (Thank God!). I made the silliest rookie mistake! I checked the diaper on the play mat not too smart. On top of which I didn't have a new one handy. Rookie mistake. I opened that diaper, the cool air hit that kiddo and a fountain ensued.

We got cleaned up and put down a fresh blanket, but I felt so silly. That little squirt was pretty darn pleased too. I've had a refresher course now so to all those new babies in my life I've got your number. I'm going to be a quick draw on those diapers.

It's funny how quickly the day to day routine we get used to becomes a hazy memory. I can hardly remember pregnancy. I remember some of Riley's early days, but not as well as I used to. I don't carry a diaper bag, or feed anyone each bite of their supper. Strange, I know I did those things, but I don't remember.

What I do remember clear as crystal is Riley's first belly laugh. I remember when she crawled for the first time. I remember when she only said "Duck" for everything. I remember the first time she said "I wuv you mommy." I remember her first tu-tu. I remember her reaction to her first birthday cake. Sigh...At least those moments don't seem to fading yet.

The Lasts

Today was my last therapy appointment before the wedding. I think they doubled up on everything because they knew that. Instead of two sets of twenty she had me doing two sets of forty for everything. I actually had a terrible back spasm and had to stop on the last exercise. I am so sore and tired.

It doesn't help that I left therapy picked up my Mom and hit the mall. I returned Mike's shirt to Macy's, walking. Then we went to lunch, still walking. After all that exercise I was craving protien. I had a steak. Then we both got our underthings for the wedding day squared away, in the wheelchair. After that we hit Target (where I used my chair since I was too tired to walk to an electric cart) to return Mike's bathing suit. It was a good thing because all the thank you cards were on clearance. I got a pack with pretty wedding dresses on the front and a box of white with silver script for about $3 for both. Score!

After that I hit the party store, walking again. I got a few small things. I used three different Amex giftcards with a dollar and change. I figured that was a low traffic place where my doing so wouldn't cause a riot. I still didn't come with everything I set out for, but I'm done now. No more therapy or shopping from now until the wedding.

I even sent Riley home with my Mom after dinner so I could sleep later then 7am tomorrow. Which is totally bizare. It's so different to send Isaac to bed and then have time to myself. I guess I've forgotten what having one kid is like.

Eliminate All Excess Stress

Can I do less? You betcha! That appointment is causing me anxiety, I'll reschedule. I'll walk around that mess until my back feels better. I'll eat first and put Riley down for nap when I'm done for once. Riley's still sleeping and we're supposed to be somewhere? Cancel. I hope I can keep this up. It's fun, but out of character. Maybe this is the way Mike's brain always works?

I am trying to conserve both energy and sanity. So help me, I will not continue this zombie walking. I need to remember things and feel happy in these last few days before I get married. I did finally get a normal night of sleep last night. I hope I can repeat that tonight. With any luck I'll be human by the end of the week.

It helps that Mike and my friends have really been stepping up on the wedding front. Mike made my garter yesterday which was big for me. It's such a little thing detail, but it meant a lot that he took a minute to do it. I'll post pictures in the wedding blog. My bridesmaids are throwing me an awesome Mad Hatter Tea Party themed bridal shower next weekend! It is beyond nice to have something like that to look forward to. My friends have been adorably excited about the wedding it makes me feel special. Also, my awesome unofficial bridesmaids been practicing henna on her husband for my bachelorhood party. YAY!

Conserving is one half of the equation, relishing the little things is the other half. That part is much easier for me. Henna, bow bouquets, swinging with Riley, canolis, packing for the honeymoon (well not packing I hate packing!) how about being packed, my new books...etc. Yay!

Nightmares

I have been besieged by bad dreams lately. I wake up around 3am and spend 45min-2hrs trying to fall back asleep. Never since late pregnancy and having a newborn have I slept so poorly. I think I've crossed the threshold from exhausted to certifiably insane. It's bad.

On a typical Monday I get Riley ready and out the door. Then I work alongside my cleaning help up tidying up so she can do floors. Then I write, do laundry and put away clothes until Isaac comes home from school. I assist homework and go about my domestic chores and so on until Mike and Riley come home. Then it's dinner, bath and bed for kiddos.

Today I stayed in bed while Mike dressed Riley, I did pull her up on the bed and put a barrette in for her. Then I laid in bed. Instead of my typical anxiety when my friend was texting that she'd be late I was relieved. Once she arrived she cleaned I laid in bed. After she left I got up and ate and got back in bed.

Napping hadn't helped much yesterday and didn't seem to be happening for me today. Later in the afternoon I decided to get a hot shower to get my blood pumping. I thought maybe I could shake the tired. Wrong.

I got clean, dressed and productive. Way productive. Isaac had a good day so he was cheerful and helpful. I got a lot done probably a day's worth of work at least, but I couldn't shake the tired. I've been taking vitamins and not skipping meals. Aside from the nightmares and waking up at night nothing's different. Unless you count wedding planning. Grumble.

Now I'm worried I might be getting sick or something. It's probably just wedding stress and over activity. Fingers crossed tonight's better.

Hindsight is Twenty, Twenty

I should not have walked the combined square footage of three stores in between physical therapy appointments. I should have spaced out the trips. The trouble is my wedding is two weeks away and my groom just decided what the boys were wearing this weekend. All that walking and then home empty handed mid-week, but the weekend was worse.

I should have rested before the baby shower. I should not have run errands first. I certainly should not have gone to the mall afterward! I was so disappointed about not finding anything during the week I made some not great choices. Isaac wears a size 8 and he needs brown dress pants. I checked online, Target, Kohls and Ross, Nada. Apparently, little boys ONLY wear black or navy dress pants EVER. Also, brown pants were plentiful in toddler sizes and mens sizes so that's the only age window it isn't done I guess. I shall have to file a grievance with the prepubescent boys union about this.

Aside from Isaac's pants, he's a groomsman, I needed to see if the shirt I liked for Mike was available in store to save us the $10 shipping and I needed shoes to get married in. Now, I escaped without kids having had Mike load the wheelchair into the back of my station wagon for me. I never go to the mall on weekends I always go early on weekdays. There's a good reason for that. Not only was every handicapped space gone, but every space near the store I wanted in general. I should have thought about what that crowded of a parking lot meant and gone home.

I got a descent space, used my crutches to get to the back of the car and then pulled on my wheelchair until it kind of fell out. I left my crutches in the back and wheeled in to Macy's (I should also mention I really hate department store). They did not have the shirt in the color I needed for Mike. They had a similar one (also on sale), but it wasn't in the size he told me. I pondered that and called him to discuss while I searched the boys department. Mike told me to get the size smaller shirt.

LOOOOOOOOOONG story short, that was all I came home with. There were no brown pants in Isaac's size. I found several shoe options, but none in my size/the right color. It was a bust. I dragged my tired butt back to the car after those fruitless hours of searching and could not remember how I'd been able to load my wheelchair up by myself before. I took my crutches out of the back, folded up the wheelchair and then made several comical attempts to put it in. Basically, I have to tip it back in a giant wheelie until the front wheels are in the car. Then I have to reposition (and brace) myself so I can push it up it enough force to get it in. Once it's standing up in the back I just tug it until it's on it's side and shut the door.

I got home beyond tired to discover the shirt didn't fit Mike at all. It has to be returned. I just put all the cardboard and pins in a bag because I have no idea how to redo them. He also got the wrong size bathing suit at Target earlier in the day so that has to go back. It gets better. I went to order my plan b shoe choice online and it was sold out!

It was so stressful. I did order Isaac the only pair of brown dress pants in his size in all of creation. They better fit. Other than that I busted my butt on minimal sleep (been having nightmares)for almost nothing!

All Those Babies

Remember what I said about when you aren't ever having anymore babies everyone around you picks up the slack? Here's your photographic proof. These are two of my four (that I know of) friends that are currently pregnant. I have two people in my life with new babies and countless friends I only connect with on social media having babies.

I went to my second baby shower this week today. It was in the party room of building on the beach. It was a beautiful view. I left Riley napping with Mike and went. There I was with a lovely view of the beach, in a room full of mommy friends and no kids. It was surreal. I couldn't help, but think how surreal it was to finish conversations and plates of food in peace. Not only that, but soon there would be twice as many kiddos running around when we get together. Whoa.

Sometimes I'm sad and jealous, but mostly I look at them and feel awash with relief. I don't know what would have happened if Riley didn't already have a sibling. I love what siblings do for each other, but I couldn't have done pregnancy twice. I am awe of my friend carrying their babies to term and taking care of potty training two year olds! Super. Heroes.

Up, Up, and Away!

Up, up with a Riley!

All the cool kids travel by balloon

She made it

Comming down

Perfect landing

Watching the fun

All pictures by Lara Coughlin Photography

Picnic in the Park

I requested some books for Riley and they all came in yesterday so I decided to hit the library and adjacent playground this morning. I mentioned it to D. who suggested a picnic lunch. Sounded like a fun afternoon to me. She brought sandwiches (PB&J) and juice boxes. I brought cheese sticks, fruit snacks and Coke for the Moms. Aside from the awful heat and a little hiccup with D.'s keys locked in her trunk at the end it was a lovely time.

Dressed (at her insistence) in her pumpkin shirt with matching barrette and her new Abby Cadabby shoes Riley hit the ground running. Normally, she's a pretty cautious climber. Today she must have swallowed a few brave pills with breakfast or maybe it was the new shoes. She climbed everything! There are no pictures because I had to be on guard. As it turned out, it didn't do much good. She climbed the highest piece of equipment in the playground and, as is customary, got scared when it was time to climb down. She was directly above my head and out of my reach. Luckily a friendly daddy noticed and with my permission helped her down.

I thought about it later and decided I would have tossed the crutches aside and climbed to her if we'd been alone. In the meantime, we shall practice climbing down things. As she was being rescued our friends arrived and it was picnic time.

Freshly coated in spray on sunscreen (best invention ever) and with their bullies full they hit the playground again. They climbed, slid, swung and had a kind word for all the other kids that happened to be there. It was more evidence of how grown up they are now. My favorite was the side-by-side monkey hang.

Aside from a slight sunburn (in March!!!) I had a wonderful time. D locked her keys in the trunk so I read the girls some books while she got help. I have always hated that my front door can only be looked from the outside, but it does cut down on those scenarios. I would have stayed until she was on her way, but Riley was tired and overheated and begging to go home. Everyone got home and I hear that even though it was past nap time the girls "did great."

I do wish I'd brought folding chairs for the grown ups because sitting on a towel on the ground hurt. I also wish I'd been more prepared for Riley's sudden aptitude for climbing, but I will be next time.