Follow Up...Wait, I Had Something For This...

I had been eagerly counting the days until I saw the shoulder doctor again. I was sure it would mark the end of physical therapy. I thought he'd come in and ask if it was better I'd say it was and he'd send me on my way. I thought if I promised to keep up with my exercises it would be the end of the whole shoulder ordeal. Have I mentioned that I'm wrong a lot?

He did come in and ask if was better, but instead of sending me on my way he insisted I finish out my last two PT appointments. He then went on to tell me that it would be a minimum of SIX MONTHS (minimum not total) of daily commitment to this exercise program before it heals properly. I'm sure my expression was aghast because he repeated this tidbit two more times. He kept telling me how important it was to make sure I was solid on these exercises so I can continue them for the next six months on my own. He even said he was "harping on it, but only because it's so important." It was especially important for me he said with a sideways glance at the crutches. Then he said there were surgical options, but he didn't think that would work for me since it would force me to be one armed for a few months. I assured him surgery wasn't on the table no matter how long or short recovery would be. He was fine with that and probably only brought it up because of my shock at the timeline.

I left the Ortho's office and popped into PT to make my last two appointments. When we got in the car I explained it to Isaac this way:
Imagine you stubbed your toe. Really, really stubbed it so badly you went to the doctor. Which was annoying because, you're at the doctor for a stubbed toe. The doctor tells to to go to physical therapy for it. You think, "for a toe?!?" You go and your toe starts to feel better. At which point you're sure it's a problem-solved-situation. You go back to the doctor and he tells you it'll be a minimum of six months before your toe is healed and he this it's imperative that it heals properly.

I hate that everyone acknowledges the crutches as a big factor in the problem AND points to them as the reason why I have to fix it. F*&^ the crutches. I HATE them. I spent the better part of my life without mobility devices (excluding the wheelchair as needed). The crutches are annoying, they are inconvenient and they are hurting me. I say it's time to ditch them. Time will tell...

Tolerance- Capacity to Endure

Today is exactly one month since my back surgery. Today I had my last home visit from physical therapy. Don't worry this isn't a rant about how the insurance dictates treatment instead of the doctors wishes or patient's needs (believe me I could fill a blog with that). It's about the lack of guidance or ceremony these milestones are greeted with in adulthood. There is a complete lack of cheerful nurses in cartoon character scrubs to say: "Great job, you dressed yourself! Now, try tying your shoes." There's no support system of medical professionals to caution: "Don't do all those dishes your ankles and knees will swell". Instead the doctors tell you to do things "as tolerated".

The only way to know if you can "tolerate" something is to do it...scary. It's kind of like being asked if you have an allergy to a food and responding "I guess we'll find out" as you take a bite.

I find it interesting that the medical profession choose that word. The title to my post is the dictionary definition of the word. Doctors don't tell you to go ahead and do the amount of weight bearing you're "comfortable with" or walk until you feel "fatigued" or stretch until you "have a sense of accomplishment". I think you see where I'm going here. Every mundane task I regain is an experiment. If I try it and it goes well then it is mine once again. Of course that is the best case scenario. More often I try out of impatience and fail. Sometimes I try and succeed and spend anywhere from hours to a full day in bed/tears. Who decides what tolerance is? It seems to be a broad spectrum. Like when they say what's your number on the pain scale and you tell them. They follow up with and where are you usually? I always give the number I am most often and also the highest I can tolerate without medication. I think the same person who decided someone in pain would be able to articulate it in numeric value came up with "as tolerated". Honestly, If I never did anything that caused me pain/discomfort or fatigue it wouldn't leave a lot.

Is tolerance the goal? If I finish washing dishes/doing laundry/putting kids to bed and I'm still upright I'm pretty sure I tolerated it. I'd like to stop thinking about how much pain or fatigue each thing I do causes. I would like to get up and get ready in the morning without thinking about it. I'd like to run to the store without help or pick up my kid from school. I think my tolerance for pain and fatigue are high (much higher than my tolerance for frustration). I also think my goals lay pretty far beyond tolerance. Onward past tolerance...

Surgical Reflections

At first I was mad. I NEVER wanted to see my Old Ortho again. I wanted to take some time off from surgeries if not retire from them entirely. Then when it was clear it was the right thing to do I started to feel anxious. What if they take the hardware out and it doesn't help? What if I went through the whole process for nothing.

Now that I'm a few days out from surgery I can tell something is different. It's kind of like when you're at the end of your pregnancy and you have a tiny heel digging into your ribs for months and then it's gone. You don't immediately feel like a million bucks, because you're still sore and bruised. You feel different not great or horrible, but different. I'm tired and there's more pain then I anticipated, but even through all of that I can tell something is different.

I took the pre-surgery pain pill and they numbed the area during surgery so day one wasn't too bad. In the days following the pain came into sharper focus and my brain became less so. They gave me a prescription for pain medicine even after I asked them not to. I hate that stuff. I may feel better for a few minutes, but then I puke it up the rest of the day and feel druggy the following one too. Pass.

With two kids and a puppy you have to be "with it." I wish I was healed from this stupid hardware removal. From procedure to recovery is always a longer road then I remember.

My new scars are on top of my old one. I'm glad I can't see it. It looks like something from an old horror movie. Blah.. Mikes says I should tell everyone I had to have my angel wings removed again. I'm supposed to follow up with the Ortho in a week and get my staples out in two. Why he choose staples for two small incisions I don't understand. It makes the ugliest scars in my opinion.

A Time to Lean

My wheelchair has been in need of new tires since February. It just seemed like something that could wait until after the wedding. I got through everything on bald tires and then gave up on using the chair. I liked that I didn't have the choice, but I've wanted to sit lately. On the other hand I should be able do to everything I did pre-surgery without compliant, right? It's been five months.

I'm healed enough to get around, but not to abandon using the wheelchair inside the house occasionally. I haven't been using it. I haven't been resting at all. I have been attempting to use one cructh or use the furniture to hobble around a lot more. Today Riley handed me a crutch and said "Here Mommy. There's your crutches. You use them so you don't say ouch. Hold the handles." My little helper. She's probably right. Maybe I should use them both more often. Maybe I'm pushing too hard.

PS: I pulled a tendon in my hip

Ups & Downs of Parental Post-Op

I've been tired and grouchy with having to re-grow bone and all. I was thinking about how nice it would be to heal without kids around. How much more rest I'd get. How quiet the house would be. How there wouldn't be any toys to trip over while hopping on one foot with terrible balance. Wondering if I'd feel less guilty about my pain without having to worry if the kids were fed or Riley pottied before nap, etc. You get the picture.

Then I thought about how I powered through the check list to get the heck out of the hospital and back to the kids. I thought about how I haven't taken more than an extra strength Tylenol since the day after surgery. Partly because after 20 surgeries my pain tolerance is impressive, but also due to the distraction and entertainment the kids provide.

Speaking of distraction, my post-op depression lasted about 72hrs this time compared to months with the spinal fusion. I haven't lost any noticeable weight this time either despite 3 days of (gag) hospital food. I'm busy enough not to mope, but not too busy to eat.

It's so helpful to have other things to focus on besides my recovery. I've been really feeling the whole I have a break in the most major bone in the body today. I got out for an hour this morning and spent the rest of the day in bed. I napped and iced it, but I also had conversations with the kids. I listened to them laugh and play in the backyard with Mike while I read a book. It was a downer day pain wise, but not a bad day at all in general.