In Like a Lion Out Like a Lamb

With March sucessfully checked off my to-do list I'm reflecting on the last month, and year.

We bid farewell to the crib, started potty training and generally experimented with greater independence. We finally agreed on big brother's extracurriculars and they seem to be helping behavior in general. We made our own splash pad and some cute shirts. We went to the zoo and Mommy and Daddy even made it out on a date. So, yay March!

The power struggles have truly begun. Teething kicked into high gear again. Teething is the song that never ends. My pain got worse, fear intensified and doctors visits became a weekly event again. So, boo March!

Spring is in well...full swing. That means summer is almost here. Summer means science camp for big brother and more events to attend in general. It also means saying goodbye to Isaac's beloved second grade teacher (boo!) and this house (yay!)

Last March Riley's biggest accomplishment to date was sitting up and yesterday she pointed to my huge tub of gummy bears (stressful times) and said "get gummy bears!" She's definitely my daughter. In a few weeks she'll actually be hunting the eggs. Strange and exciting this, growing up stuff.

Last March I still had a flexible spine and hardware in my hip. Last March...that sounds like another century or even another planet. Riley was a tiny baby and now she plays with babies. She loves her babies so much they get fed, rocked, bathed and even read to. Actually we're pretty sure she thinks that "baby" is a verb meaning to take care of or help and "Baby" is the noun that refers to her and sometimes her dolls.

Adios, March 2011.

Easter-ish Artsy Stuff

I wanted to occupy the kids without making a huge mess. I thought it would "take my mind off things" to make some Easter decorations.

I was super excited to try out my owl paper punch. Isaac and I used the owl punch to decorate paper we cut into an egg shape. It worked out really well. Here's a tip: don't store your washable and permanent markers together if you're going to let the toddler color. She was happy with the pile of markers I gave her for a while, but soon she was pulling the box to her side of the table and trying to uncap Sharpies. Good thing the lids were on tight and she grunts when something's hard to do. I think her picture came out lovely.

Isaac's Art Riley's Art My Art
Close up

Am I a bad mother for taking a close-up of my own? I really liked how it came out. I know I should have drawn some birds if I was gonna write twitterpated but you can clearly see the extent of my artistic ability.

Our Gallery

Paging Dr. House!

I went to the doctor today, armed with my planner so we could schedule the hip replacement. I may not be in control of... well anything in my life right now, but my left hip has betrayed me for the last time and it is outta here!

I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm wrong a lot. The MRI gave a clear image for the first time in over ten years because there's no more hardware in there. Wouldn't you know it, I'm not the only one who was wrong. We did not schedule a hip replacement because the Ortho's diagnosis was wrong.

Don't get me wrong it's bad just not the exact kind of bad we thought it was. I was stunned. My whole course of treatment thus far (back surgery, hardware removal from my hip, all the physical therapy, the tests) was based on an incorrect diagnosis. Now I know how the patients on House feel. Not that I'm dying, but chronic pain and a toddler at home isn't really living.

The Ortho insists I go for a second opinion. He doesn't want to do anything more until someone else looks at me. Ugh. My medical history is so complicated and no one takes my insurance. My other choice, which isn't really an option, is to give up.

I can just stop perusing a solution. I can load up on the cortisone injects which we thought killed the circulation in my hip in the first place. I can pop pain pills which will make me apathetic to the pain without relieving it. Someday when I can no longer bare weight at all I can just stop walking.

Are House and I the only ones who care WHY this is happening? Or how to stop it? I was wrong about both my medical issues, but having no answers for the moment feels scary and hopeless. I've been through this before and I know how hard it will be to be heard. I know how much work is involved in getting answers. Damn it.

I wish I could give up, but that would require a lobotomy and I'm maxed on surgeries for one lifetime. Maybe, 80's movies and chocolate will inspire an enlightened new plan or at least trippy dreams.

Mrs. Cellophane

Today I was invisible, ineffectual and unimportant. "You can look right through me walk right by me and never know I'm there." I'll do jazz hands later.

I got all the basic needs met for the kiddos. I thought maybe it was going to be a good day, for a Monday. Riley and the universe were in on the cosmic psych headed my way. Little Miss Roo came to me with a book picked up her sippy cup and lead the way to her room. Mommy's dream come true, right? She climbed in to her bed and waited for me to read her story. She had her story, her sippy cup of water, a doze of Tylenol (teething),and was all snuggled in 15min later.

Inspired by the easy nap time I got out of my pajamas and into some real clothes a mere 4hrs after the kids were dressed. I crawled around the living room picking up toys and set the Roomba loose. All the sudden after laying quietly in her bed all that time Riley was now wailing at the baby gate in her doorway. Ignore her I thought. Finish what your doing, she'll settle down. It's always a hundred times harder to get Riley to nap when Isaac's home not napping. As far as settling done, wrong.

She was an unattractive shade of red, almost purple, and screaming when I finished what I doing and turned around. She also somehow had managed to get the Tylenol that I left "out of reach" on the changing table. Stupid teeth. I went to the gate and told her to go lay down and she tearfully obliged climbing all the way up to her pillow. My poor girl. I came in once she was laying down and rubbed her hand until she fell asleep.

It's hard to keep a stir crazy 8yr old quiet during nap time. I resorted to bribery. I gave him candy. For the record I should have known that was a stupid plan. Now it was mid-day, pouring rain and he was sugared up and louder than ever. We had company as soon as Riley was up and finished with lunch. Riley and Isaac were both super clingy. Riley was clingy to me. Isaac was clingy to the company he'd never met before.

It was strange to meet my mom's childhood friend. Isaac decided if everyone in the room wasn't laughing or praising him he hadn't spoken loud enough. So at raising levels of volume he exclaimed things like "They LICK their eyeballs!" or "I know about giant squids". It was hard to follow anything that was going on because Riley was glued to me and insisted we read a book. I was relieved when they left it felt so chaotic.

The weather was awful, Isaac was hyper, Riley was teething and the living room was "mostly clean" so at that point I gave up. I turned on an episode of 30 Rock and send Riley to play with her brother. I kept looking at the clock thinking "it has to later than that. The kids were making a huge mess and lots of noise but not killing each other so I didn't care. All that looking at the clock..

I knew Isaac needed to be at TaeKwonDo at 6. I had reminded him at least 3 times over the course of the day. I blew it. I completely spaced. I got an upsetting phone call and I was anxious about a doctor's appointment the next day. My head wasn't in the game by evening. Isaac was surprisingly cool about it, but I had horrible guilt. Mike was completely unreachable for an hour and I was starving by the time he got home.

I was trying to explain how I hadn't felt like anyone was listening to me all day, but he was completely distracted and didn't hear me. Ugh, maybe I'll be "back" tomorrow...

Spring Break Your Mother's Back

When I was growing up I loved long breaks from school. I was thrilled to play all day. Especially because when I was growing up long breaks from school meant Christmas or Easter were days away. Super exciting.

As an adult my feelings about breaks from school are the exact opposite. I feel completely unprepared and overwhelmed. Oh, no! Spring break, again?!? Ugh. What will I do home with both kids for the whole week? I need to think of fun, cheap things to do that won't exhaust or injure me. The pressure has increased since Isaac started kindergarten. It takes a lot more to engage him and a lot less to hurt me. Plus now everything has to be appropriate for a toddler and a second grader.

It really is a hard age difference. I'm so happy they have each other, but it's tricky to give the right amount of encouragement and independence to each of them. For example when we go to the children's museum Riley comes with Mommy to the gated baby area where she can go anywhere she wants and can still be seen. Isaac is free to roam the rest of the first floor, but has to check in periodically. It's also a free trip because we're members. Short of the museum or playground there isn't much they can both do.

It is especially a problem now that spring break is a full month before Easter. There's a lot less fun goings on to keep the kids busy. Riley's not at an age where she can make though a movie in the theater. So, that leaves us with a trip to the museum, playground and possibly the Mall for an Easter Bunny photo later in the week and the rest is TBD. Netflix is helpful. Grandparents willing to steal them for an afternoon are a blessing. The rest, much like parenting in general, is a messy, chaotic, stressfully funny, making-it-up-as-you-go-along mystery.

We Don't Live in Parking Lots

I may have told the story before, but it's a good one (and a short one). When I was a kid my parents had to have disabled parking signs put up in front of our house. My neighbors would throw parties and people would park in front of our house and we'd have to trek up the block. So the city came and put up signs. One day, years later, a woman parked there. A cop cruising through the neighborhood saw her car and stopped to write her a ticket. She came flying out of a neighbor's house. When the cop continued writing the ticket she exclaimed. "But this is a residential area!" to which the police officer replied, "Where do you think handicapped people live? In parking lots?!?"

I never wanted to be an advocate for disabled rights or a role model to disabled women or anything like that. I spent high school being referred to as "the girl in the wheelchair." Don't get me wrong, it was never in a malicious way. I was very well liked in school. It just wasn't how I thought of myself. The whole is more than the sum of its parts. It would be like being "the black kid" or "the fat kid". Those things may color a person's interactions with the world, but in my experience that's not how people define themselves. I know I never thought of myself as "the girl in the wheelchair".

I never thought about myself that way, so I never expected other people to. I've had friends tell me that they forget about it. I always tell them that's because I do. For years I never did anything to draw attention to my disability. I didn't hide it either it was simply a fact like my height. I never paid it any more attention than I thought it deserved. It didn't limit me anymore than my height did.

I was afraid to be "that girl", but more than that I just never thought about it. When I got into an amazing acting program for college I knew I was living my dream, this was it. It took me a year to realize, like my height, I brought my disability to every part I played. It was a Holocaust play I was killed in the end and a friend said "oh yeah, you wouldn't have been able to work." I was stunned. She isn't...Oh! Now she is. Woah.

I lived my dream. I finished my BFA and went out into the wide, wide world. I worked myself to the bone to survive and keep the dream going despite fresh hip injuries. It was all behind me now. All the surgeries I had as a kid were over now. I was an adult now. I was focused, determined none of the other stuff mattered.

New York gave me one good starring role in a play and kicked my butt thoroughly. Los Angeles was my home as it turned out. I paid my bills and worked as an actor. I was really happy. I thought that I'd be there forever. I had done everything I was supposed to do: got through school with good grades, got a degree from an excellent school, moved to the right city, used every opportunity to my advantage and now it was only a matter of time.

All that stuff I hadn't been thinking about made its presence known. I felt so betrayed. I felt like a failure for not being able to get through it alone. I thought I'd take a short break, have a change of scenery and come right back.

Age, injury, pregnancy weight gain, and an extremely active lifestyle conspired with those pre-existing conditions. How could I have known a bomb was ticking all that time? Six months away from LA turned into almost as many years as I lived there in the first place. How could I know after almost ten years without one there would be more surgeries? I never intended to trade everything I had for motherhood and a rollercoaster of orthopedic procedures.

I hate my body for betraying me. If I can't have a career I want to be super mom. My body says "No." I can't ignore it anymore, apparently 27yrs was the limit on that. I never liked it when people said "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." The other one I hated is "Sometimes on your way to a dream, you find a new one." Not me. I thought those sayings were for the unfocused and lazy.

Now here I am, so many miles from where I started. I’m forced to think about my disability and consider more surgery. Trying to cope with the death of my dream and embrace a new one. So now for better or worse I'm the "Disabled Mom." Sigh...

I suppose there are worse things to be. I can't help, but feel strange letting go of all the things that worked for so long. This is where life took me with no regards for my plans. I write about it. That's what life is now, at least for now.

Fairy Tale Breakfast

Today Isaac's second grade class finished their unit on fairy tales and had a celebration, which parents were invited to attend. It's the last day of school before the break so they didn't have to wear uniforms. His teacher requested they dress "like royalty" and gave them all crowns. Isaac wore his knight costume (or jedi knight costume, depending on the Halloween) over a button up shirt and cargo shorts. It just proves what resourceful parents can do with a plain tunic - we've gotten alot of miles out of that thing.

Promptly after arriving, my kids ate the rest of the class under the table. Here'a shot of Sir Eats-a-lot and Lady Ultra Feast

After breakfast it was show time. The class read a fairy tale poem. After that they each read the summary of the fairy tale books they wrote.

Isaac's book wasn't really the most original premise, although most of the other kids wrote stories called 3 Goats and a Dog or 3 Dinosaurs and a Dragon. Isaac's was called Coraline the Story. It did however have hands down the best summary. The wrap up question was "Do you like black cats, magic and mild violence? Then read my book." Sooo Isaac! He was quite the performer. Riley was a captive audience until she noticed the balloons tied to the microphone.

The balloons.
Isaac's Book Summary (for your view pleasure):

It was a great morning. I wish I could have been more involved with Isaac's class this year, I really miss being a part of stuff like this. I took it for granted when he was younger that I'd always be able to be part of his educational experience. Between my hip and Riley I think this is the second event I've attended all year. I'm really going to miss Isaac's second grade teacher. She's amazing.

Isaac and his teacher.
Riley and her heart's desire.