To The Doctor...

Eeeek! So there's the orthopedic issue and then my other scary medical issue. Today the other issue was up. I double checked the appointment time after my screw-up last week. I was quite literally shaking like a leaf all morning. Once Riley was dropped off at grandma's Mike drove me the doctor. He wasn't supposed to, but like I said the shaking.

Just because you've survived horrible things before doesn't mean that you get used to it or better at it. In my experience the knowledge of what to expect only goes so far in comforting you. The repeat assaults on your body and psyche actually wear you down rather than build you up. Nobody likes to feel like they've lost control and there I was seeing my second specialist in as many weeks.

I always go into these appointments more worried that they'll tell me I'm fine than that they'll have bad news. At least if they find the issue it can be treated. If they say I'm fine they're either not taking me seriously (which is usually the case) or that I'm crazy (it's never been the answer, yet).

I left Mike in the waiting room so when they asked me to undress I was flailing, kicking and trying to you my crutches to push my pants off. I did it on my own but by the time the Dr. came in I was panting and my pants were in a heap in front of the exam table. The Dr. didn't tell me I was fine. The Dr. listened, asked a few questions and did an exam. Afterward the Dr. ordered "the first available [medical test]."

The lady at the desk said to come back at 4pm for the medical test. I was relieved to get it all done in one day. However, by the time I got home the doctor's office was calling to say the insurance wouldn't allow them to schedule another appointment on the same day. Really nice. So, I'm scheduled to do it tomorrow. After it's done it'll be the usual 24-72hrs they give you for all medical test results to come back.

The waiting begins. I almost feel like it never ended. I hope this isn't as bad as I think it is. I hope I know one way or the other soon.