The Way We Were

It's been about 6mo since I weaned Riley. Amazing to think that I have made it 6mos passed an event I was convinced would never happen. Occasionally I have this strange sensation I equate to the phantom limb sensations amputees suffer. I'll be sitting on the couch and all the sudden I swear I just had let down.

Maybe, it's just things constricting because of cold or maybe a muscle memory. Who knows...I know it takes a while for hormones to regulate and the body to get with the program. I feel like a ghost of my former self especially up top.

I often miss breastfeeding when Riley has a bad fall or is teething. I sometimes envy my friends who still have that option in their arsenal. More often I miss my incredible rack. Overall at this point I am completely at peace with that part of the mother daughter relationship being over.

Recently I had a nightmare that Riley was hurt and crying. I scooped her up in my arms. I remember feeling crushed with stress and fear, but no idea what was going on. She was inconsolable. I held her and spoke softly, but to no avail. All the sudden she turned her teary face to me and latched on! I was stunned and I had no idea how to react. I knew she couldn't nurse anymore. I knew I should do something, but I had no idea what. I woke up completely confused.

What the heck does it mean? Am I unable to comfort my baby? Not maternal in some important way? Or more likely I'm clutching to a time that's over. The time when Riley was little. When I could get around before the pain became unbearable. The time when I wore my tiny baby in a carrier on my chest. The time when I could do a load of laundry and cook dinner myself. The golden period of being a "stay at home mom."

Just a theory