Why Write?

I write two blogs a mommy blog and a wedding blog. The wedding blog gets easily double the amount of hits per day as the mommy blog. I attribute this to weddings being a more general topic than being a disabled parent, but who knows. I know that the wedding crowd loves pictures, the more the better. From my own experience mommy blog readers like pictures, but they are looking to find information. They want a good story so they know they are not alone in the jungles of parenting.

I'm a very open person by nature so it's seems completely natural to me to share everything I've learned and experienced with anyone who will listen. I also have an absolute obsession with documenting things. I love to read old journal or flip through old scrapbooks. I think it's important to have the good, bad and the ugly to reflect on and pass down. Maybe I'm wrong and it's all a rationalization for a narcissistic tendency to talk about myself.

I hope it's not the latter. I hope people laugh, cry and learn (or at least feel less alone) reading my writing. Maybe I'll never make any real money writing, but I have received at least 4 emails in the time I've been writing this blog from other disabled moms who were happy to have found my writing. I once heard a talk given by a visual artist who used this anonymous quote: The purpose of art is to remind us we are not alone. Maybe, it isn't the most high brow publication ever, but in a way I'd like to think that applies to what I do.

Enough about me (for today)... Thanks for reading!!

Picture Thursday!

Boo's birthday was at the splash pad. Riley avoided every sprinkler and sparyer as she made her way to the "cock-a-die-el". Notice her dry hair adorned with adorable fishy clips from Etsy. We gave Boo a set too. The first water she came in contact with was the spray from the alligater's nose after she climbed on his back and touch the water. That's how Riley does splash pad, silly girl.

Letting Go

When you have a really important test/interview etc how long do you agonize and obsess over how you did? When I asked Mike he said "until I get the grade." I did too up until high school. When I got to college I realized I was literally making myself sick with worry. I knew I couldn't stop worrying altogether, but there had to be limits. I have never worried that the plane I was on would crash because it's not up to me. I mean once you're on the plane you're on it.

The trick was extending that attitude to the rest of my life. I remember an acting teacher sharing a Buddhist saying "If a problem has a solution it is not worth worrying about. If a problem doesn't have a solution it is not worth worrying about." Think about it. There's also my favorite line from Van Wilder "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

I learned very early in my audition filled acting career that no matter how talented I am there are a hundred factors I can not control. Being too short or having the wrong color hair can mean the best man for the job doesn't get the job. I saw it first hand when I was working in the casting office. There are so many unpredictable factors at play and just like any test or interview what's done is done.

Today I packed up my audition. Time to let go I told myself as I handed the envelope over the counter. Out into the world. I learned I still have a chance at my dreams and now one more casting director has seen my face. Fingers crossed and now back to Mommy stuff.

Having it All

I called the city about that sidewalk and things are in motion. Yay! Disabled mom blogger keeps all the parents and younger siblings from walking in the road. Which made me feel like I was endowed with super powers. Then I reminded myself it was only a brief phone call and I felt sad that it had been the highlight of my day...er week. I was pondering this when my day...er life (or at least outlook) changed.

Have you ever gotten one of those calls? The communication equivalent to a flat tire on you're way out to dinner when you don't have a spare. You see where I'm going here, it changes the course of things in a significant way. More often than not in my life so far it's been bad news. Today it was good news via email.

I had an audition. A real audition. Not a student director or even an independent film maker, but a casting director for a television show contacted me. I'm still alive in the acting world! People find me. I'm going to tape an audition tonight and overnight back to the world I used to live in.

Whether or not I get the part is not the point (although it'd be amazing). The point is that maybe the secret to career and family is timing. Maybe Mike was right and if I wait until Riley's a little older my career will start falling into place again. In whatever form it chooses to take. All this time I thought the world had gotten bigger than my ambitions. I honestly believed there was something wrong with me for not wanting to let my old life die, but maybe I can have both.

Moving Mountains

When I was a kid my parents had disabled parking signs put out front of our house. I'm sure you all remember the "Where do think disabled people live? Parking lots?!?" story. I also remember someone coming out to put a ramp on our corner. It seemed to me that the squeaky wheel got the grease. Which is great but where to start squeaking?

We live in a great neighborhood. Walking distance from Isaac's school and most days I do walk (or roll to be more accurate) up to get him. The block immediately off the main road the school is on, has a sidewalk and even a ramp on the corner. The next block, the one we live on, does not. This means I lower my chair down the step into my house, walk it to the end of my driveway and climb in once I'm in the street. I wheel one house over in the street, look both ways and proceed up the block in the street. When I get to the block closest to the main road I haul myself up the ridiculous ramp (scary incline and it ends in a gutter!) and up to the corner to wait for Isaac.

The way home we both walk in the street along with the other kids from his school. I don't think we should have to. Not just for the one CP mom on the block, but all the moms who walk to the school pushing strollers in the road and all the kids who walk home alone. Squeak!

So, where do I start? Who do I talk to? Is this even a reasonable request? Help me out guys, what now?

Maybe it's Hormones...

My teeny tiny baby is two years old. She walks and talks. She plays pretend. I miss her infancy, but I remember longing for her to get a little older. Wishes are dangerous things. I miss my big round belly with Riley safe inside. I miss when she was a part of me and only mine. I still love her as deeply as the moment I became aware of her presence (which was before the pregnancy test confirmed it).

The face of all the world is changed, I think, Since first I heard the footsteps of thy soul

It's an overwhelming love from the start, but I didn't understand how much it would grow. I cry every time I think about that tiny new person coming into the world. Michael kept saying "She's so pretty, honey! She's so pretty." I couldn't speak I was crying and listening. Nothing prepares you for that moment or any that come after.

She'll be the light of my life forever. I'll always believe the stage we're in is "the best part" and I hope she'll always say my name the way she does now, full of love. "I love yoooou, Mommy Moo!"

Parties & Pools

Today things were different. Some days they just are, aren't they. I slept heavy and uninterrupted until Riley came to bring me a plastic muffin at 7:19am. I was tired, but excited to take little Miss Roo to her BFF's birthday party. In a truly inspired move Boo's mom did a pre-nap splash pad party. I didn't have to explain for half the day that the party was "soon" we just got up and went. Thank goodness for spray on sunscreen and mommy friend back up. Also, thank goodness for little kid themed birthday parties!

After Mike talked me home (still no GPS and I decided to take the long way so Riley would fall asleep) I tried futilely to be productive for an hour before falling fast asleep. I enjoyed as much of a nap as any mother of two can hope for. Then Mike cleaned and re-filled the pool. They'll have to invent a new word for how tired I am. It was all in the name of fun and quality time we people I care about, so well worth it. The sun, the exercise and the excitement what a day.. (it's a good thing I finally got those anti-inflammatories last night).

"Not Everyone Can Travel by Bubble!"

I'm sorry to be so un-Katie lately, but ouch! I am still without my anti-inflammatories. I am exhausted. Pain is exhausting. Kids are exhausting. I am so tired. I applaud my adrenaline reserves for getting me through this long. I feel like I'm in a haze. A pain bubble. My pain and fatigue have me limping and tripping over my own feet. I am being completely serious. My hip pain makes my left foot turn in and then I trip on it.

In the meantime life goes on all around me. Aside from my bubble Mike has his own serious-stuff-going-on-at-work bubble. Our internet has had issues for weeks. Today we finally, finally got a technician out to house. Mike had to drive to the office in the storm to work it was so bad. We seem to be up and running now though.

Speaking of life going on, it's Riley's best friend (Boo's) birthday party tomorrow! Now they're both two. Woah. On top of which another one of our VIB (very important baby) friends is going to have sibling! Woah, again. They just keep growing up. It's an unstoppable force and so are they.

I got a phone call at 4pm stating my insurance had approved my prescription (finally!). At 7:00pm I got a call from the pharmacy saying it was ready. I sent Mike running to the pharmacy. He came home furious. Four trips over two weeks and no pills. I called the pharmacy at 7:30 and they said "they weren't sure what happened" but my prescription was now ready. Grrr... (and phew!)

Picture Thursday!

Posting daily has become challenging, so once a week you get to look at a picture of my kids. Yay!

To start us off...Fancy Nancy..er Riley

Riley Loves Her Muffin!

Next Step, Still Limping

No pills. Still hurting. Hopeful about New Ortho's (NO) insight after reviewing the films. It turns out there aren't little cartoon devils with pitch forks in my hip. He has a theory about the bones rubbing together and causing me pain, but to be sure he needs me to under go a procedure/test.

He wants to put me under an x-ray machine and inject Novocaine into my hip joint. Sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon. This will determine for sure whether my joint is the problem. If the devils with pitch forks reside elsewhere in my body we'll have at least ruled out that. As a bonus I have to have blood drawn before I can do that. Ugh!

I am frustrated, tired, hurting and sad. If we get a clear answer I'll need surgery. If we don't there's no hope of a permanent solution in the near future.

Monday, Who Needs You?

Today, it's becoming ridiculous. I hurt. My cleaning help injured herself and frankly I don't care if the floors are dirty today. I took Riley to Boo's and stayed until lunch. The babies are a much more pleasant distraction than TV. Not that mine's working properly. I buggered off and instead of trying to sleep (which I would have failed at, trust me) I called the insurance about my pills. They do not care about my pain or to explain themselves. I stayed on the phone while the form they needed was faxed to the Ortho.

Don't get excited yet, once they get it back it's 24-72hrs before I can get my medicine. I decided at that point I would use the last hour of quiet and whatever adrenaline I could muster to go to the craft store. I needed retail therapy, art therapy and a purpose that didn't involve interacting with other humans just then. Luckily, not many people go at 2pm on Monday even during "coupon craziness" or whatever it's called. Which means two things: 1)Space right up front and 2)The electric cart was free!! That has NEVER happened before.

I snatched that sucker up, thanked God for this bright spot in my day and zipped off to shop. I got everything I needed and then some. I used 4 or 5 coupons saving about $23. I was pleased. I had projects!

I got home put my stuff down and went to fetch Isaac. Now I had two requests via messenger niether of which appealed to me. First to call the cable company. That call resolved nothing. Second to pick up dinner ingredients. Even less fun there. No electric carts at the grocery store at 5:30. Grumble. In between Isaac had two meltdowns one was over whether or not he's on the naughty list (in September!) and the other over addition yes adding numbers together.

Somehow, I kept my temper even though it all. I survived and then the unspeakable happened. Riley lost her security object at Boo's house. Her muffin. No one could find it and I was rushing and they were rushing. She did ok until bedtime and then she didn't. We did everything we could to calm her and she went to sleep, but Mike was worried she'd be up in the night looking for it. So he went to Boo's when they got home with his head lamp (No joke) to find it. In the end the muffin was returned. Yay!!

I am wired between the pain and anxiety about seeing the new Ortho tomorrow. I may even bring Riley to ensure an even emotional state. I don't know.

Sunday Busy Sunday

Riley and I went to Boo's church. The girls had a blast. So much so that they were both out cold by the time we got back to Boo's house. I decided to just go with flow because Mike was home putting sprinklers in the back yard. While they slept I sat in D's living room. In my old friend the green chair. I sat there many an afternoon right after the spinal fusion surgery unable to do anything else. Once I recovered enough to move around I refused to sit in that chair.

I sat there "pain breathing" concentrating on D's words as she fluttered about picking up for her Pampered Chef party. The pain wasn't so bad I couldn't eat probably thanks to the Advil I took. Although also thanks to the Advil I had a stomach ache. I had a sandwich and sat and sat and sat, just like old times.

The girls got up and party guests and their toddlers started trickling in. I picked a chair by the cooking demo and sat some more. We were the last to leave of course. I went out to my car, buckled in my little Roo and it did not start. A fuel light and a dead battery, double whammy. Well, plus my little girl who decided to scream at the top of her lungs the whole time! STRESS.

Now, the pharmacy claims via voice mail that it's holding my prescription because of an "insurance issue."

Still No Pills

They said I'd have them today. Now, they say tomorrow. Pray, for the pain triggering a release of adrenaline or rendering me unconscious soon.

I thought I'd get up and feed the kids and then high tail it to the craft store while Mike did yard work, but that is a plan for a low pain level Saturday. Not today. I supervised breakfast and vegged out in front of the TV. I hate when pain kills my productive plans. We watched Dora's Halloween Specials (both of them) and the Disney headless horseman movie. I got the kids to clean the living room and offered them Halloween movies as a reward.

After Riley's nap we headed down to our reception venue to take measurements and have a general pow wow with our florist. It was as good as Disney World as far as my kids were concerned. Big empty rooms are better than playgrounds. They ran around laughing for most of the hour and a half we were there. They army crawled across the carpet to the "oasis" of the dance floor. Riley danced and danced.

Isaac kept hiding behind the lone pillar and jumping out to scare Riley it worked every time. Much to her delight. She also really enjoyed the water fountain. They were terribly cute considering how late they ate lunch. I just kept one eye on them and scribbled measurements furiously from my wheelchair.

My mom had graciously volunteered to watch the kiddos so we could go to dinner. By the time we got home we were really tired so we got Taco Bell for everyone. We left Grandma with the kids and went to the bedroom to eat and watched Almost Famous. When we emerged Riley and been fed, bathed and put to bed. Isaac and Grandma were watching a special about giant squid. He was also fed and showered. It was amazing.

I just hope my prescription is ready tomorrow.

Looking Forward, While Limping

Today is Friday. A glance at my calender tells me it's back to the New Ortho (NO) on Tuesday. I spent a large part of my day driving around picking up MRI and CT scan films in preparation for this appointment. There was a time I would have naively believed that until they instructed me to handle something the doctor's office would handle it. Now, I've been around the block a few times. I followed up will all parties and have possession of all pertinent films.

In the midst of all the phone calls about tests and films, etc there was a drama unfolding. I am only on one daily prescription, an anti-inflammatory that won't shred my kidneys. It's basically super-Advil. It works best when it builds up in my system. Now, Old Ortho (OO) requires EVERY refill to have doctor authorization. ALL of them even non-narcotics. It's a real pain for someone taking a prescription anti-inflammatory daily. I mean give me a break, it shouldn't be such a big deal. So, I call the pharmacy every 30ish days and they call the OO and so it goes...

This time I called the pharmacy and they called OO, just as they always have. The difference being that shortly afterward the OO's office called me. Apparently, they got sick of approving me every 30days and finally called in 90days worth last time. This was news to me as I was only given 30. Now I was wondering if some kind of fraud had been committed charging my insurance for 90days worth and giving me 30 thus screwing me.

Ok, fraud is a lot less likely than miscommunication given OO's office staff's history. I was informed later by OO that it was "taken care of." Silly me, I even believed it. Now, the pharmacy called to inform me that they needed insurance authorization. I waited a day and then called them to clarify. Apparently, even though the pharmacist and I agreed my last refill was 7/29 and it's a 30day supply the insurance decided it was too soon to fill it until 9/17! Now, I'm no math whiz, but I'm fairly certain 7/29 plus 30days is closer to 8/29 not 9/16! They added two weeks because they could.

Now I have been without too long and I am miserable with pain. It will take a few days once I have it again to get back to my usual level of pain. The pain level I'm better able to ignore. Just prey, my friends, that Tuesday answers some questions, provides a ray of hope and officially begins my severing ties with OO for good.

A Night Off

Wedding planning has been a great excuse to get out of the house and do grown-up things. I've been out to eat and shopping. I've done all kinds of fun kid free stuff. I went out tonight to a bridal event which got me thinking. Mike gets days off from work why shouldn't I? Not, leaving Riley at Boo's house so I can go shopping or clean or organize toys. A real break? It occurred to me then that no one is stopping me from taking a night off every week.

Woah! A night off from dinner, bathes and bedtime every week, if I wanted. My knees go weak at the thought. I wouldn't even have to spend any money. The only requirement would be physically removing myself from the house. Otherwise I'd just stay in mom-mode. This is a much better idea than the ill-fated morning off plan when Riley was little. Mike will never be a morning person, ever. Acceptance has come in that regard. I'm still hopeful someday the kids will get older and I'll get to sleep in on the weekends, though.

I could take my nights off whenever opportunity arose and skip them when ever I feel like it for now. It's so empowering (at least for me) to give myself permission. I think 24hrs, 365days for the rest of my kids' lives are some serious hours to keep. The way I see it I owe myself overtime pay, breaks and vacations. Is it horrible that it took me 5yrs to figure this out?

2yr Check-up

How things have changed. I remember taking Riley to Dr. J the very first time and wondering how do you leave the house with one of these new people? Not only have they seen Riley grow up, but they have seen me in various states of mobility (in pain, post-op, etc). Today, I took her to Boo's and then picked her up to go to the appointment. She said "Bye-bye. Go visit doc-er J." She even wished her friends farewell using their first and last names, so cute.

On the way there we talked about birthdays and our plan for the rest of the week. It's so nice to have a fully articulated conversation in the car. I do not miss they days of wondering if the silence meant she was okay or sleeping or in trouble or what? I made the mistake of reminding her what reward awaits good little girls at the doctor's office. She walked in the door asking for "lollipop! pee-sah". I can't even remember how many time I told her "we're not done yet."

She is a whole 23.5lbs and 33 and 3/4ins. My daughter made it on the growth chart. She was skeptical, but tolerant of all the poking and prodding. The doc wanted to know if she was still using a bottle, which made me laugh both because it's been so long and she used one all of 6 or 7 times probably. I told him we've been practicing with regular cups.

He also asked about sleeping and I reported that she's been in a big girl bed since March. When he asked if she stays in it and I answered she only gets up to go to the bathroom he was a little surprised. I reported her potty training along with use of full sentences and recognition of her name and a few letters (brag, brag, brag).

When he asked if I had any questions I reported her unnatural attachment to this muffin toy. It came up in the last 2wks, but it's a serious thing when she can't find or reach the silly think. My guess was that with Mommy getting busy and going out a few nights left her feeling a little anxiety. The doc said two years often do have attachment objects and any time independence increases separation anxiety can re-surface.

Someday, I'll tell her about her muffin and she probably won't believe me. I guess I shouldn't laugh, I still have my blankie. I'm so lucky to have such a sweet, healthy, smart little girl.

Red Tape

I have been attempting to sort out Riley's insurance situation for weeks. There have been emails, paperwork, faxes, mail and trips to the office. Nothing is getting resolved. I hobbled out on my broken toe today for one more go. I had Riley with me. It was getting close to nap time, but I figured they deserved it.

I drove down there (still sans GPS) with the directions the last office gave me. It was chaos in there. I was a little stunned to see so many people lined up on a Tuesday. None the less our turn came in line and a more snippy than necessary receptionist called me up. She wavered between knowing exactly what the issue was and not having a clue so I asked for a supervisor. We sat down to wait it was now well past poor Miss Roo's nap time and this place was intimidating for me.

We read all three books I brought twice, played with all the toys, sang the alphabet and pretended Riley was a tiny baby. Finally someone came to talk to me. Here's what it boils down to: All the information given to me by previous sources was entirely wrong. Nothing I've done the last two weeks matters. It is highly likely that can not help me at all. Awesome. Who's in charge? I had being an adult.

I came how furious with an over tired mildly hysterical toddler. I put her to bed. Told Mike the tale boiling with rage and then I cried. This people have to get their story straight they are screwing with my baby's health care. Grrrr!

I will be starting over next week. I just have to lay hands on Riley's birth certificate. I put it in a "safe place" and now I can't remember where that is. I hate that.

By The Toe (Again!)

Remember this? Me too. That time I tripped on Mike's crap in the middle of the bedroom floor in the dark. This time? I haven't got a clue.

I felt fine in the morning, Riley and I went to church and we walked around quite a bit. No issues. Then I came home put her down for nap and laid down. I was laying there watching The IT Crowd (Netflix has it streaming, it's amazing) and all the sudden I was aware of intense pain in my foot. My big toe on my right foot was killing me. I thought "Ouch, that hurts really bad. It almost feels like...Oh, no!" I tried to wiggle it, no dice. Broken again, but how?

I remember it took awhile to feel it last time too. I think the adrenaline wears off before it registers. So weird. I asked Mike to check for bruising this time. He didn't see any last night, but I went through the roof when he touched it. I remembered that the bruising didn't show up until the next day last time.

Like I need one more physically limiting situation, come on! Anyway, it hurts a lot. I feel dumb for not having a clue what I did. I just hope it heals quickly. I'm going to get some socks with fragile stamped on them.

The Church Nursery

I really, really liked the church I went to when we lived at the old house. Riley was tiny then and she'd just sit/sleep in my arms most of the time. Which was fine with me. I went through all the surgery stuff and couldn't physically get there and then we moved. The service there is at 8:30am which is perfect for bringing Riley because it finishes in time to get home and eat before nap. Except being at the other end of town by 8:30am is stressful.

There must be at least 10 churches within two blocks of our new house. This morning Riley and I went to one. I found out online that the early service was 9:45am. We pulled in just after 9:30am and wandered around until I found someone to direct us to the nursery. They were very nice and stunned that Riley had just turned 2 and was already potty trained (Go team!). I hung out for awhile and Riley didn't object at all when I finally left.

When I came back an hour later she was busy, but happy to see me. Apparently, they'd given her doughnuts thus making a friend for life. They said she was very polite, lots of pleases and thank yous. They were very impressed with how well she shared, too. That's my girl. I played with her for a bit and told her I'd be back. This time she objected for about 30 seconds before discovering a ball and forgetting all about me.

It was a LONG morning. The times I had were way off and as the sermon wound down I had a feeling it was time to go. I discretely packed up and headed to the nursery as fast as I could. Sure enough Riley was post cry hyperventilating in the nice lady's lap. Poor thing. I took her to the bathroom which had fish painted on the walls. She pottyed and bid the octopus farewell through sniffles.

When we came back through the nursery to leave she told all of her new friends goodbye. She was herself again by the time we stepped out the door. Smiley Riley. There was a strange structure between the doorway and the parking lot it looked like a tiny house. It was cute and even cuter were the baby lizards scurrying on it. We told them bye-bye too.

All the way home she re-told the story of baby lizards on the tiny house. That church wasn't the right fit for me so we won't be back, but I told her we'd try Boo's church next weekend. It'll be fun for the girls to play together during the service.

Mommy's Night Out

After what I'm sure was the longest day EVER I went out. Like really out. Just me no kids to some where that wasn't a doctor's appointment or a grocery store. In the final moments of preparing to go out I whipped up dinner and preheated the oven, without realizing Mike had stored a plastic tray in it. It was a disaster. I was all ready to bake dinner for 25min and blow dry my hair when I noticed the smell. So instead of hair and make-up I spent 25min waiting for the oven to cool and scrapping melted plastic from the racks. It was awful.

When I left I realized I didn't have my wheelchair. This was a huge problem because I'd never be able to survive the hike from the car to our seats, but beyond that we had accessible seats so my wheelchair is my seat. A trip back to the house later, unloading the chair to put it in D's car, goodbyes and so on we hit the road 30mins later than we planned. At that point I accepted our tardiness and expressed how little I cared about the opening act.

A fast food dinner and a nice chat later, we were there. Parking was free and reasonably close but in high grass. Our seats were also pretty good and the rain had stopped. We made it for the last two songs from Jared Neiman and largely ignored them. It was just good to be out.

Big Head Brad

Brad on the screen (the red dot near the bottom of the screen is Brad)

His back as he ran past our seats

We got home well after midnight and unlike the youngin's with their short shorts and cowboy boots we got up with toddlers the next morning.

Dressing for the Occasion

I wish I was an expert on dressing for cocktail parties or interviews, but I'm best at choosing attire for medical appointments. Doctor visits, diagnostic tests, physical therapy, etc I'm on it. For example if you're meeting a doctor for the first time you want to look nice from the neck up (esp if people think you're several years younger than you really are). From the neck down you want clothes that allow him to observe your movement and examine you without having to strip and put on a gown big enough for a refugee family to live in.

Generally, no metal is a good plan. Ortho's often take X-rays in their office. Also, it's just more comfortable to lay on a table without bra hooks digging into your back, etc. If you're comfy in your clothes you'll be more receptive to stressful information. I know I am. Also, wear your walking shoes.

That's all doctors where donning the gown is avoidable. When you can't get out of it like at the Gyno there are other things to think about. Easiest clothes to get in and out of and slip on shoes. I've starting wearing a comfy dress and then if you only have to disrobe waist down you're still covered. You stay warmer and you don't have to wait with the paper sheet across your lap.

When going for a test/lab work I still say go comfortable, metal free and wear your walking shoes. Don't bother with hair and make-up it's pointless, trust me. Also, consider what is absolutely necessary to bring (id, insurance card, keys, etc) and pick pants with pockets. It's so awkward juggling a purse, finding a place to set it down and so on. Just bring the essentials. I do say pants here because it's always freezing.

I don't know if anyone else deals with these things enough to care, but it occurred to me that after nearly 30yrs I have a pretty good grip on it. Too bad "dressing for an MRI" isn't appropriate for the skills section of the resume.

Dread

I have a CT scan scheduled first thing in the morning. The New Ortho (NO) ordered a 360 degree scan of my hip socket and pelvis. Apparently, they take a half an hour each and I can't eat anything after from midnight tonight until when the test is complete. Sigh. The last time I laid on a table having medical tests for an hour I couldn't move for days. I'm too tired to link to that post, but it was February 2010.

I want to get this over with, but I don't want to go. I hate tests. I hate the feeling that the whole cycle of surgery and recovery has started again before the last one is finished. I hope these picture are crystal clear and that an hour on a hard metal table doesn't do me in. I have so much more than the test on my plate tomorrow.

I have to get Roo and I out the door by 8ish am and drop her with my mom and sister. Get to this appointment on an empty stomach sans GPS (wah!). Pick up Roo and say goodbye to my sister (wah again!). Put her down for nap and rush over to Isaac's school for writing presentations. Come home and (hopefully) rest before heading to Tampa for a concert.

Why am I still awake? Oye!

"I'm Working"

A bag in each hand, hat on her head. Shaking her finger at me because she's too busy for pictures. (this one was lost on my camera as opposed to on the memory card. I think it's from about June)

Two Years, Just Like That...

Two years. 730 days. My baby is two years old today. She wasn't even born two years ago for another 2 and a half hours. She didn't exist apart from me at this moment two years ago.

My labor started at 11:30am. I was no stranger to contractions, they'd made their appearance around 23wks. I followed procedure guzzling water, taking another anti-contraction pill and generally attempting to ignore them while also writing them down. When we got to 2:30pm and they were 2ish minutes apart Michael put on a fresh shirt, picked out a book to read and grabbed my "hospital bag." I was terrified. I refused to believe it was really happening. Think, Pam on The Office that was me.

As you can clearly see, even though I was only 34wks 4days I was out of room. I was ready to be done with pregnant. As they wheeled me into the OR just after 7pm I swear Riley was knocking to be let out. When they got me in position for the epidural I said "It's not the contractions I can't wait to be rid of, it's this foot in my ribs!". They warned me until they were just white noise to my tired brain that her lungs might not be ready. I told them I wasn't worried. Something told me we were both ready. She was born at 7:26pm screaming her little head off. Lung function was not in question and neither was her name. Clearly my little fighter was called Riley.

One year ago:

Second Birthday Party:

I have enjoyed every moment between then and now. I love her so much. She teaches me things everyday and learns twice as much. She makes me laugh 10x more than she makes me cry. She is amazing. She is a walking, talking, potty trained little miracle. I'd be lost without her.

Impromptu Pool Party

With everyone off and my sister in town (after a long hard week), I was thinking laid back day. We did the do nothing thing and played with the kids for a bit. It was just so darn hot! I decided with the kids out-numbered 2 to 1 it was a good day for swimming. We loaded up and headed off to the toy store for a pool.

We got a "family size" blow up pool for 50% and because it's her birthday week and it was on clearance Riley got a toy grill. "Like Daddy's!" It has lights and sound. I've got a soft spot for toys. It'll be the death of me buried under the mountains of toys. I digress we went home and Mike set his air compressor to work inflating the pool.

A few texts later my cousin and her kids were helping us enjoy the pool. Moments after that everyone had a frozen drink. An hour later Mike had fired up the grill. Kids had hot dogs grown ups had enormous steaks. It was nice. Impromptu parties are much less stressful (but equal clean up).

Post Party

I love the calm after a storm. The day after Christmas or a birthday party when the house is full of new toys and busy happy children. All the fun and chaos has wound down and the fridge is bursting with left overs. No where to be, no pressing matters. Just hanging out with the kids playing. It's my favorite kind of day.

Riley ran happily up and down the hallway with her new pink shopping cart from Grandpa Tom and Grandma Jo starting at 7am. I helped her potty and then watched her laugh and play with her new toys until almost 9am. After a breakfast of cinnamon rolls (store bought) we watched Tangled. Mike got up as the movie was ending and made some coffee. As we were finishing our coffee Riley climbed right into the oven of her play kitchen and asked for "help! Daddy Doot." She couldn't shut the door from inside.

After Mike closed her in he sat Indian style waving at her and laughing. Soon the game evolved into Mike being the mailman trying to put mail through the slot. Sometimes she'd push it back out and some times Mike would pull it back, it was great fun.

Now that it was after 10am I got everyone dressed to go bye-bye with Grandpa and Grandma. They took turns on window patrol as I watched from the couch. It's all very exciting right now with Aunt Jessie in town. After a while I realized they were running late and called them away from the window. The next thing I knew Riley was back in the oven. This time Isaac joined in the game pretending to cook her and then delivering mail. Pretty soon it was after 11am and Isaac was back pacing by the window and Riley was starting to come unglued.

If they didn't have plans I would have given Isaac a task or started a movie and tucked Riley in for nap right then. I also would have laid back down myself. We'd read The Places You'll Go last night so I had images of the waiting place in my head. Riley tugged impatiently at the giraffe shirt her other Grandma gave her. I explained one more time why she couldn't be naked and distracted her with her new dollies (wooden dolls with magnetic clothes). I gave her a snack and decided I better get dressed as noon was fast approaching.

Soon enough I took Riley to the potty and she kicked off her shorts and jumped down to scamper to her bed. Go Dog Go was her selection for the afternoon. We read it and I texted that they maybe too late to include everyone. I have to give Riley credit for making 30min passed her nap time the day after a party at all.

Sometime after noon they arrived and my sleepy girl stumbled out of bed and ran into Aunt Jessie's open arms. We hurriedly dressed and re-shod her and off they all went to Chuck E. Cheese. I had hoped Mike and I would go for a long overdue movie date, but he was not in the mood (of course!). Honestly, Riley was coming down with a cold and I didn't know until they were walking out the door that, that cesspool was the destination. Between that, the late hour with no nap, the overstimulating environment they were off too and a nasty rash starting Mike and I were afraid to go to far from home in case they needed to bring her back early. I sent messages to all of their phones until I got a response and then we decided it was ok to go to lunch.

I like to go out in general, to movies and meals, Mike does not. So, when he wanted to go to lunch I was excited. We didn't think about it being a holiday weekend. It was very crowded. I decided as we were driving away with most of my lunch in styrofoam that I need going to movies and out to eat friends if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone who flees crowded restaurants and refuses to see movies in the theater. It was still nice to go out by ourselves though.

We come home to the quiet house and I wrote all the thank you cards for Riley's presents. I even delivered the first one when the kids got dropped off. They were both a little sluggish and hungry when they got home, no wonder. So, Mike grilled up some hotdogs and we fed them early.

Riley cooked and pushed her shopping cart after dinner. It was just as adorable as it had been at 7am. She took a bath and requested Cat In The Hat. After she was tucked in she scampered out to find the "baby dina-sir" (Buddy from Dinosaur Train) she got yesterday. They're in there snoozing together. Sigh. Isaac watched a Shrek movie after dinner. Then he took a long shower which sounded like it involved an epic battle between space ships and built a "Halloween Lego roller coaster." After that he went to bed.

Mike and I watched some t.v. and I finished up this blog. There's just a different quality to these post holiday days. I'm so glad everyone gets to spend the day together again tomorrow.

Riley's Having A Party, 2nd Edition

It came! We celebrated Riley turning two although her real birthday is still a few days away. It was a lot of fun. I learned my lesson last year:

• I made the party post nap
• I made it immediate family/daycare friends only. (15 folks vs 50+)
• I bought cool handmade things instead of making everything myself
• I had everyone eat their cake outside
• I let her open presents throughout the event instead of all at once
• I didn't plan any games or activities (swing set & play kitchen were all the kids needed)
• I put on her party dress at the last second
• We didn't cook/grill

Party Eve

The party is tomorrow and we are abuzz. We, being Mike and I the kids are nestled all snug in their beds. I think that is the magic of childhood. You go to bed and when you wake up a party magically materializes. Amazing. I cleaned all week in between all the doctor's appointments and such, but there is always more.

Mike has mowed and re-landscaped the backyard. After that they'll be patio clearing and furniture rearranging. Beyond that decorating in the afternoon tomorrow. I am inside putting the goodie bags together and hand making cute tags:

Tada! Honestly, we handmade a lot last year and I knew I wasn't up for it this time. I ordered these adorable bags from Pannaz on Etsy. They're reversible and each lined in a different color. I bought the pocket "How Do Dinosaurs" library and put a book in each bag. My mom also contributed a few dinosaur figures to each.

The nice thing about having a small party is you can get nicer favors. I only needed 4 plus Riley of everything. I gave adorable handmade bags with nice books in them. I am convinced one or two nice favors beats the heck out of a bag full of little things. You always end up with extras and spend much more than you intend to. I think they were a hit. The kids also took home there baby dino hatching out of an egg cups.

From Birthday Express. Best cups ever. I know Riley will use it as a cup and eventually she'll push it around in her stroller. It's a baby after all.

Aside from goodie bags, there's the big present from Mommy and Daddy. It's an amazing wooden kitchen. We ordered it from Amazon, but before we (by we I mean Mike) could put it together we had to rearrange the living room, relocate the bird and clean the evidence of his being in that corner. What a chore.

It's such a cool toy.

Now I know why my parents always seemed so tired on birthdays and holidays...

Ortho Options

No you didn't take a time machine back to this time last year it seems the cycle has begun again. A few things have changed though:

• I no longer have a breastfeeding infant
• I have better insurance
• The spinal fusion is behind me
• There's more than one Ortho on the case
• I have one hell of a motivation to do this and recover in the next 201 days

So, that's the bright side. See, I led with the positive. Is it better to have a two year old at home during all this? Sure she's more independent, but she's also completely aware of what's going on. I can safely say the spinal fusion was (bear in mind I'm about to hit 20 surgeries) the worst and it is behind me (sort of). I'm not fully healed, but nothing that comes after could be anywhere near as bad. It's not possible. Now having more than one Ortho on the case has to do with having better insurance.

For those of you who joined the blog later here's the ordeal of my Ortho in a nutshell: He was the only guy for 3 counties who would see me. He is not a people person, his office staff is not the most competent and he's changed the procedure (ex: hip replacement to spinal fusion) literally the day before. You get the picture. Now, he's sent me for a second opinion because he doesn't know what to do now. He's worried about doing a total hip replacement on a 29yr old he wants me to get another opinion. In fact he insists I get one before he can do anything else.

I went to a place that wouldn't see me on my old insurance. I sat in their waiting room painted a cheerful color in their comfy chairs and thought "the other place is such a sh*thole." I watched the front office staff move like a well oiled machine checking people in and out. I watched people move through the office, it reminded me of the star belly machine from the Sneetches. Was this place just better funded? Did it just attract a higher caliber employee? The patients were very similar to my Ortho's office except there were more non-eldery folks. I wasn't even the youngest one there. Although, I haven't a clue what that indicates.

The new Ortho's nurse took me back and really listened to me as I described my hip saga. She smiled at the mention of a toddler at home and sympathized when I told her I needed to be able to walk around at my wedding. The new Ortho was handsome and composed. He was unabashedly astounded by my "interesting hip." He looked at me like I was a puzzle to solve (in a good way). He conducted a more through exam the old Ortho ever did and showed me my X-rays which old Ortho never does.

The bottom line, I'm in bad shape. The pain is probably caused by the socket bones grinding together. He is sure the answer is surgical, but thinks they can work with my own biology to relieve the pain as opposed to going a full hip replacement. He ordered a 3-D CT so we can get a 360 of the socket and asked me to bring the film from my last MRI since they only sent the report. At which point he can make a surgical recommendation.

Phew? Sigh? Just pray, that everything happens faster than last year. All the test results are timely and decisions are well founded. Above all that I can have a successful procedure and be fully healed in 6mos! I hate that my body is crumbling before the age of 30. I never got to count on my body and now it's betraying me at every turn.

NO (new Ortho) is optimistic and confident. OO (old Ortho) is who he is. I'm dreading wrangling the films from his office tomorrow. I wonder what the ethics are on getting a second opinion and then just switching physicians. It's probably frowned upon...