If Love Were an Airplane Nobody'd Get On

Recently, some couples close to me split up. Married people with families. I'm so confused by this turn of events in all the recent cases because they'd all been together many years and had at least two kids.

I feel for them and I sincerely hope everything works out for the best, but I was surprised that my knee jerk reaction to the news was not what I expected. I had the reaction of a selfish child. I balled my fists and screamed, "but what about me!", at least in my mind.

I suddenly felt hopeless. They had it all together, they were happy and they didn't make it. I'm a disaster and we're always working through things. Our odds must be negative numbers.

Marriage was something I hadn't even considered for most of my life. I saw marriages fail all around and in later years I watched people enter into them with completely unrealistic expectations. I watched people set themselves up to fail. I knew that statistically almost half of all marriages in this country fail and now I was seeing the context.

When my parents split up I didn't kick and scream inwardly or out. I simply felt relief. I was glad they could go be happy. I've never completely understood why my parents got married to begin with, but I've heard both of my parents say repeatedly over the years that they stayed married because "kids should have two parents." I knew in that case exactly what had happened and it seemed for the best when it ended.

Lately, my world is tilting on its axis because the news has come over and over that people I thought had the answers are calling it quits. Maybe I'm simply too far away from their day to day to understand what happened. From where I sit they were what I aspired to. They had love, children, friendship and it seemed to me that had "it". "It" being the immunization against the statistics. They would make it, I'd tell myself. If I could find the answers they had so would we.

Maybe I see too much black and white where there are only shades of gray. I have this first child, over-achiever outlook that if you follow the rules and do the right thing it should work out for you in the end. Again, I've been wrong before. I thought if only Mike and I could be like the "together people" we'd be bullet proof.

I've spent my whole life thinking of marriage as an impossible promise to keep. Why would I, rule follower that I am, ever make a promise I can't keep? When Mike and I got together we discussed marriage at length and I decided it may not be the hopeless cause I thought. As obstacle after obstacle took priority over a wedding these last couple years I've fluctuated between hot and cold feet several times.

I often think if we can work though this issue we'll be ready or if we get past that we'll get married. I don't want to go into this with my eyes closed. I want to talk about things, work things out and feel secure, but recently it occurred to me that I had it wrong, again. I don't think you're supposed to get an A+ on being a couple and then earn the gold star of marriage. Maybe the idea is you get married and agree to spend the rest of your lives getting it right. Of course like breastfeeding (the third biggest commitment two people can make) both of you have to be on board. If one of you is committed and the other one isn't, it's no dice. You can lead a baby to the breast, but...well you know. It's the same with marriage, you can't spend your whole life as Sisyphus. Take it from an all too often Sisyphus, some impossible tasks are worth it. I have an uphill battle just getting my pants on some days. so it tarnishes my view of marriage greatly. Sometimes, like in my parents case, walking away is the best option for everyone.

"If love was a plane, Nobody'd get on. Imagine now, the pilot's voice, on the intercom right before we leave the ground. sayin, folks thanks for flyin with us, but theres a 6 in 10 chance we're goin' down."