The Ortho had promised whether they replaced my hip or not I wouldn't be allowed to bear weight for at least 8weeks. At my post surgery follow up he told me to bear weight as tolerated. It took me a few weeks to tolerate it at all and I still can't be on my feet long (or anywhere, but flat on my back for that matter). My point being I can move this time and I'm less traumatized so less excited to begin therapy.
I had no idea how anxious I was about the prospect until I burst into tears last night. I was unable to articulate it for long enough for Mike to lose interest. After sobbing in the living room by myself for awhile I wheeled into the bedroom and said "What if it doesn't get any better than this?" Worse than anything I could imagine what if I had traded the debilitating pain for this horribly limited condition. As my mind unraveled through the negative possibilities I realized there was something worse after all what if it got worse? What if I did all of this for nothing?
I hyperventilated until I was unconscious that night. I got up still worried, but resolved to get through it. Once again I was given a prescription of 3x a week for six weeks, but the insurance was even more stingy this time and I only get 4 visits. I have to pay out of pocket for anymore than that.
Beyond that I was full of false confidence that my physical therapist would be impressed with my mobility and healing, but my muscles as it turns out are super weak. We did a full hour session and then I headed home no less discouraged than when I arrived.
About an hour later the pain started. I am not a wimp and I was in tears most of the evening. Mike was stressed about work and has no real sympathy for the amount of hard work I had just done.
On top of everything else Riley is sick. I really hate being an adult on days like this. Swallowing my sobs so I could console a whimpering sick little baby and keep her out of Mike's hair while he worked. Sick toddlers, for those of you lucky enough not to know, absolutely refuse to be put down. So instead of sleeping or watching Grey's Anatomy and crying out my frustration and pain I consoled Riley in my bed with Elmo on. Yay, parenthood.
Your immense strength in coping with the stressfulness of the situation you have been dealt is amazing. You may not even realize this ability in yourself as a positive thing at the time, since it seems you are enveloped in darkness, but your ability to keep it all together and give your baby girl the love and devotion she needs is a task of a gentle warrior. Being a mother is being the divine feminine incarnate.
ReplyDeleteBashar had a little "rubber band" analogy...
The degree to which you experience the darkness is the degree to which you will also experience the light. The rubber band analogy is that the farther back you pull the rubber band into the darkness, When you finally decide to let go that's how much farther and faster it will shoot on the other side, because your giving it all that momentum, all that energy by pulling it so far back into the darkness. So when you do reach critical mass and you do cross the threshold and you do finally let go after straining for so long to hold it back here in the darkness, it will shoot very quickly on to the other side, and go that much further into the light.