Shaving My Legs With a Ten Foot Pole.

OOOOOKKAAAYY maybe not 10 ft. Whatever the length of one of those old lady grabber things is.

It's been a long, long time since I shaved my own legs. It went: pregnancy, winter and a newborn and then spinal fusion. Thanks to living in a warmer climate I could no longer ignore the issue. Mike had used his electric 3 headed guy razor on my legs once or twice, but now it was time to figure this out for myself.

Mike got one of the grabbers (I now own 6) that locks closed and the aforementioned electric razor and left me to it. I think if my spine was fused and I had normal hips this would be less tricky, but them's the brakes. I have not so flexible, malformed and generally cranky hip joints.

I cautiously sat fully clothed in a t-shirt and the shorts I intended to wear if this experiment worked out. I switched the razor on. Her toddler-sense tingling Riley came banging on the bathroom door. "Mommy's busy" I hear Mike tell her steering her away from the door. Her protest was brief, but it was clear she'd be back to show that closed bathroom door and Mommy's privacy who's boss.

My resolve stiffened now that I was reminded of how little uninterrupted time I had. It was a piece of cake for the 25 or so percent of my leg I could see well, being the top front from the knee to mid leg. Other than that it was pure hopeful guessing for the most part. I scooted around in my seat, bent my knees at every angle, and stood up in front the mirror (awkwardly leaning into the sink).

My arch nemesis since the back surgery has been "behind me." I have no twisting abilities anymore. Please don't tell my toddler I have a blind spot. The backs of legs were super-doper tricky, but when I called Mike to check them it was the sides of my legs where I had missed the most.

In the end I give myself a solid "B" for my first try. I got to wear the shorts which was the ultimate goal. I really did think once upon a flexible spine (not to mention minus a few years and a pregnancy ago) that shaving my legs was a huge pain, Ha!

I need to win the lottery and hire someone to be my leg shaver, shoe and sock putt-er on-er and official following me around picking up anything I drop person. I dream big, don't I?!?

Big Girl Bed

We have upgraded from a crib to a big girl bed! I'm so proud of Riley who napped like a champ (just the one nap today) in her big girl bed and is sleeping soundly there now.
It's a twin bed and we put a toddler rail on it. Her bedding is Circo's nature love collection. She also has the adorable little lamp that looks like owls and birds are peeking out of a tree. I love it.
Why now? It was time. Riley had made a few escape attempts, but hadn't managed to get out, yet. She was sleeping with her long legs through the bars. As with every advancement so far moving to a bed had to do with Riley's needs as well as mine. Her size, independence level and hatred of being "trapped" were all major factors. Mommy's poor back also voted for no more crib. She had also developed an annoying habit of waking up at 5am the last two weeks off and on. I hoped it was a phase she was going through because of a prolonged cold, but either way being able to get up and play for an hour in her room before Mommy has to get up sounded helpful.
I was hopeful that our assessment of the situation was correct and Riley wouldn't be totally against the idea. Generally she's up for anything that means a little bit of independence. She's her mother's daughter in that way. Every time we make a change (weaning, one nap, day care, etc) I expect terrible things to happen and they haven't yet.
And so it went..

Down it came. The crib vanished with the last shreds of denial, she's growing up.

Ever my independent little explorer she just went for it. Clambering up to proudly survey her new big girl bed.

She pointed out all the owls and "Whoo"ed, snuggled all her pillows and said bed! more than a few times.

Her first nap in her big girl bed. It wasn't much of a struggle by the time we had the bed up she was ready for it. I found myself sitting in next room thinking "that's it?" We made a huge change, it's only forward from here and she just accepted it? Good, but sad. I needed to be more needed, I think.

We made it through day one! Bed time was a little more eventful, but relatively normal considering. She fussed a little and when I went back in she wanted a drink, but she wanted me to hold it. I think she just needed to know if girls in big girl beds still get extra attention from Mommy sometimes. I was happy to give it. She also got a little panicked when we put the baby gate in the doorway. We opted to wait until she was asleep to put it up. I was happy she slept so soundly.
Sunday morning I was ecstatic to sleep until 8am!! and find my girl happily playing in her room.

Isaac and the Wonderful, Amazing, Not Bad, Very Good Day

Me: You're going to have a good day today, right?
Isaac: (Looks up from making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) I think so
Me: You think so or you are?
Isaac: (Suddenly noticing a paper on the fridge) Oh! I forgot my New Years Resolutions!

He reads them:

Follow directions from Mom and Dad and my teacher. Not have emotional outbursts at school. Take better care of pets.
(I abridged them)

Me: Those are great resolutions.
Isaac: Don't worry I remember them now.
Me: So, you're gonna get a blue today? Or a purple!
Isaac: I don't know...maybe a blue, but purple is not really...ah..getting that isn't...
Dad (from the living room):  attainable
Me: Thanks honey.(giving Mike a look) You used to tell me all the time you were going to get a purple and most of the time you did.
Isaac considers
Me: For the last couple weeks you've been trying for blue and getting greens. Maybe if you try for purple you'll get blue. (there's a little Winnie-the-Pooh and the sandpit logic for you)
Isaac: (Sigh) Well, what will happen?
Me: If you get a blue? You'll have a fun weekend.
Isaac: Ok!
He proceeds to go out the door empty handed. I call to let them know his backpack and lunch are on the couch. (good start buddy)

That afternoon climbing into my car.
Isaac: I have some good newses
Me: Get in and buckle up people are waiting. Good news?
Isaac: Yeah.
Me: Well, what color?
Isaac: Blue! And I didn't have any emotional out breaks! My eyes were as dry as bones! As dry as a desert....
Me: That's awesome! You're too old to be doing that stuff.
Isaac: But I didn't! Not one time today.
Me: Good, so today can be the first day of never doing that again.
Isaac: Yeah! And!
Me: And?
Isaac: I got all of my subtraction right for the first time (he has one minute to do 30 addition and 30 subtraction problems)
Me: That's great buddy I'm so glad.
Isaac: I learned that if you say them quieter you go faster.
Me: huh? What do mean?
Isaac: If you say them quieter you go faster.
(maybe he means in his head?)
Isaac: And!
Me: And?!? There's more?
Isaac: I got my report card.
Me: Good grades?
Isaac: Yup, Es Vs and Ss
Me: that's great
Isaac: E means excellent, V means very good, S means sat..satisfactory, N means needs improvement. But I don't have any of those! U means un..unsatfunktory and that's it.
Me: Unsatisfactory. It means it didn't sat-is-fy the requirements. Like you were required to get a blue to have a fun weekend.
Isaac: listen to what my teacher wrote it's so nice! (he reads)
Me: That's great buddy! What a great day.
Isaac: So, what's for dessert?
Me: Let's decide what's for dinner first

Orbiting the Inevitable

Have you ever had one of those impending events around which your calender and life begins to orbit? Everything is measured by how close it is to the event. Now you find yourself obsessing on it by alternately refusing to acknowledge it will really ever come to pass, and by vividly fantasizing about each and every detail. Shrouds of denial and worst case scenarios take alot out of a person.

This black hole in the center of your personal universe causes you to isolate yourself. The world, after all, is divided into "people who know" and "everyone else". This black hole seems benign enough, but as you get closer it threatens to suck you in. You find yourself helplessly circling a drain.

This week I couldn't think or feel or I would have thoughts and feelings about "it." So, I did not blog. I did not eat more than the bare minimum. I did not think more than I had to.

I did take more than the recommend amount of Advil. I did sit for as long as I could possibly tolerate for days, scrapbooking. I got Riley's album up to the beginning of 2010. It was already up to Thanksgiving 2009, but we had an absolute ton of pictures from that December. There was the first visit to Santa, family birthdays, all those Christmas related events and her front page appearance in the paper. I got the family album from Father's Day 2008 to Mike's Birthday that year in August. That group of pages included lots or birthdays, theme park trips, Isaac learning to ride a bike and fourth of July. Pretty good considering how long I can work before I have to take a break and lay down. I'm sorry I didn't post.

I was in survival mode. I don't anticipate another complete system shut down any time soon. It was a justifiable breakdown that I suffered. I have been through enough trauma to gage properly.

I do, however, regret all the worry that ultimately changed nothing. I am happy about the kind of productivity it afforded me though. It forced me to demand time for myself apologetically. I need to do that more often.

Sleep Overs & Scrapbooks

Over the weekend Riley enjoyed a milestone: her first slumber party! I love having a little girl.
My friend and I were co-hosting a scrapbooking party on Saturday so Riley and I headed over Friday night. The girls are always so happy to see each other. Riley's so lucky to have a best friend this young who conveniently has a mommy who's best friends with her mommy. I digress, first order of business baking cookies.

With toddlers there's always lots of help, especially in the kitchen. After baking they sponge painted/finger painted. They get their artsy craftiness from their mommies.

After an incredibly well earned bath in which our little artists turned the water and most of the bathroom blue it was pajama time. Everyone knows watching toddlers play is cute, but pre-bed pajama play time is the cutest!

They were "resting in their nest" like the We are the Dinosaurs song. I came over to see them both laying on pillows pretending to snore! I couldn't make up something this cute!
In the morning after breakfast the Mommies were sitting at the table sipping coffee and looking at some pictures of a couple of silly girls we know while the girls played. It was a pretty quiet morning and then we heard lots of laughing. With a quick exchange of glances we grabbed our cameras and rushed into the living room. We found the girls playing peek-a-boo over the arm of a chair.

In the morning after the girls were dressed and pig-tailed up we got ready for the scrapbooking party.

I made deviled eggs and fruit salad which were a big hit with toddlers and adults alike.

Now we'll take a break from cute babies and tslk crafts. We did a two page layout with a Valentine's Day theme.

We cut out this heart as a background element. We crumpled it up and then ran an ink pad over top of it to give it a distressed look. I love how they turned out. For an extra distressed heart (boy, that sounds awful!) tear it around the edges. You do need thicker paper for best results (We used Stampin' Up card stock).

Here's the finished left hand page before I added pictures. The part that looks like a tiny file folder is for journaling about what's on the page. We foldered a card sized piece of card stock in half and used a tab paper punch to make the tab. Before we glued it on we added a sparkly red brad.

Here's the left side post pitures. The Stampin' Up lady brought pre-cut letters for the "Be Mine" (she used a Sizzix machine). I used my Creative Memories corner edger on the on the first picture. Riley in her pink outfit with a big smile. Followed by Riley with her "My Mom is the Best" shirt with a stolen princess cup. The last one on this side is a less close-up of Riley in her pretty pink outfit.

Here's the right side of the layout. The "XOXO" on this side were also cut with a Sizzix machine. I fond stick them tricky I remend glue stick to those adhesive roller things. Also using temporary adhesive to stick your pages to the table so you can line up your design in the middle if it's continuous like this one.
I'm sure you noticed the pretty girls in matching outfits in the first picture. Since Riley is my one and only baby she will never have a sister, but she does have a best friend. After Christmas we discovered the girls had been given very similar outfits and decided for Boo's Mommy's birthday with dress them alike. That wasn't enough to satisfy us though so for my birthday a week lady they wore these. So cute! Yay, tu-tus. Have I said I'm glad I have girl?
The next picture is of Riley and her friends in the shirts I made them for Valentines day. I think they were a big hit!
I didn't sell a darn thing at the party, unlike my superstar co-host. That wasn't really a factor for me though. It was one of theose getting back into the swing of things opportunities. It gave us a chance to have a girls night sleep-over and do some scrapbooking! Win-win. It also jumpstarted my personal scrapbooking efforts.
Riley's scrapbook was only done up to Thanksgiving, not bad? Yes, terrible, Thanksgiving '09. Worse the Family album was only done up to summer of '08. That's ok though I needed a project to distract me from up coming stress. It was nice to hit the ground running.
Everything between Thanksgiving '09 and this Valentines Day, GO!

Unwanted Children, Undeserving Parents

This is probably the most heartbreaking situation I can Imagine. Unfortunately, it went from imaginary to part of my life some years ago. When I met Mike, he had Isaac who he'd been raising on his own since he was about 8mo old. Isaac's mother was young, completely unprepared for marriage or motherhood and selfish.

She abandoned her marriage and her only child after a few months.

As unthinkable as that was, it got worse. She had several other children since then and doesn't have custody of any of them.

Her actions would have been confusing to me before I had Riley, but since giving birth and experiencing motherhood from the beginning, they are absolutely unfathomable. I found out that this isn't by any means an uncommon event in this country.

“It is not clear how many infants are abandoned each year. In 1998 mothers abandoned as many as 31,000 children at hospitals in the United States.” health of children website

These trends are explained by increasing divorce rates, substance abuse, domestic abuse, but it still seems strange that mothers can just give birth to these children and walk away. I thought we were simply hard wired to love our children. Raising a child, for me, was a reward after an incredibly difficult pregnancy; the creation of life was something to be respected. Maybe that's where the problem starts. If someone has no knowledge of how special and rare a full-term healthy pregnancy is, then it may make it easier for them to walk away. I have so many dear friends who fought very hard for their biological children and even a few who endured difficult adoptions to earn their right to love a child as their own. It is hurtful to me that it's so easy for some women to conceive and then walk away from their baby (babies) without finding it a loving home or staying in contact with their child.

There's so much help and support out there now. Woman on the whole seem so much better educated about how their bodies' work. Why does this keep happening in such staggering numbers? It's not just the impoverished and addicted that do this. Isaac's mom was certainly neither when she made the choice for the first time.

On the flip side there is an interesting legal situation going on right now. When Isaac's mom had her 2nd child she was still legally married to Mike although they hadn't had any contact in years. Apparently, this means Mike is considered the boy's "legal father" and his dad is his "biological father." Um, what?!?

Presumed Father: The individual that the law presumes, until shown otherwise, to be the legal father of a child. This may not be the actual biological father of the child. The law in most states creates a "rebuttable presumption" that if a woman conceives or gives birth to a child while she is married, her husband will be "presumed" to be the father of the child. A similar "presumption" can also be created if a father voluntarily allows his name to be placed on a child's birth certificate. These legal presumptions will remain effective until they are successfully "rebutted," or challenged by someone in a formal legal proceeding. Legal Definition

So, there you have that. What does it actually amount to? Almost nothing. Mike has been mailed copies of a handful of legal documents dealing with the child. Even though he has produced paperwork to show officially he shares no biology and that he is legally divorced from his mother he is still considered "legal father."

The complication comes if anyone wants to legally adopt the child because Mike would have to terminate his rights. Talk about convoluted legal non-sense! How can Mike have rights to this kid? More over why is it so difficult to terminate them when his biological parents have been clearly established?

It hurts me on a personal level that they would just had out rights to children this way. They would never give Mike's ex-wife "legal mother" status to a child he conceived with another woman. The whole thing is pretty archaic. I don't think "illegitimate children" raise the same concerns they did in Victorian times, come on folks.

More over legal status has nothing to do with actually parenting a child. I know this because Isaac's mother has seen in a handful of times in almost 9yrs and I have raised him every day since he was 5yrs old and I will never have the parental rights she does. She will always be his mother legally and biologically and I, in the eyes of the law, am no one.

How backwards is the world when more children are being abandoned instead of less? There are so many broken-hearted people looking for a child to love.

The legal system we live under is so backwards that without sharing any biology or ever meeting a child you can be his "legal father", but any person can raise a child their whole life and never have parental rights under the law.

Hormone Flux Capacitor

It's been a strange week. I've been dead on my feet, super sensitive to smells, unable to eat or starved and weepy. I know what you're thinking. I've been thinking about that too. My rational brain knows it couldn't be. I had my tubes tied when Riley was born (for good reason). Mike insists it's just my hormones regulating from weaning. I weaned 4mo ago. I'm not sure I buy that...Also, my feet are hot! Not room temperature, which would be weird enough for me, but hot. The only time I ever complained because my feet weren't their normal arctic temperature was when I was pregnant.

Yes, it would be incredibly medically risky and I came to peace with only having one pregnancy a long time ago. Or I thought I did. Maybe it's my friend's beautiful new baby or exporting my pregnancy blog, but my ovaries are aching. I keep thinking he could be wrong I could be pregnant. That primal feminine part of my brain starts to unwind at the thought. It's possible. It could be a boy and than I could use my boy name I picked out. If I were pregnant it would be a miracle. It would be "meant to be". I fantasize off and on for days. I calculate all the kids' age differences. I imagine squeezing a crib into "the boys room." Um, hello? 911! I'd like to report a runaway imagination aided and abetted by crazy hormones.

It would be devastating if I were to get pregnant again. That is why I had my tubes tied. I grew a baby the only time in my life it was possible and that didn't exactly go smoothly. I had a lot of painfully and not completely temporary bumps in road the first time. If it were to happen again it would unquestionably be life threatening. If I were to gain a significant amount of weight and fall with my fused spine it would be disastrous. I would have to be on strict bed rest the whole time and I barely made it out with my sanity the first time. This time there would be a 17mo old running around. It would be awful.

I am grateful for what I have. I have no question I did the right thing, but I am still a woman with a biological and psychological drive to have babies. Riley's amazing, I couldn't ask for more, but sometimes I do. Maybe not out loud or with any real hope of changing things, but I ask. I think this may be the first time my disability really got in the way of what I wanted. Not just taking away the decision to have more kids (which may not have been different),  but also forcing me to have two major surgeries during my baby's first year and taking away any hope of reclaiming the career I left behind no matter how old the kids get.

Stupid CP plus bus injuries plus pregnancy strain plus deterioration from age! I have never blamed my disability/physical condition for anything, but I'm afraid having a baby gave me reason to be angry. I know it is not in my hands. I will simply make other choices and adapt the best I can. I will move forward, hopefully out of this hormone fog of emotions and baby obsession, and on with my life.

Maybe a part of it is not grieving properly for the loss of all those potential future babies. I didn't have time then, but maybe I can pencil it in now...

Little Miss Fix It

Last Summer she "fixed" a memory card with a screwdriver







Don't worry Daddy, I'll help fix it (Fall 2010)





Yup, that's a ratchet (and a hedgehog next to her head)



Riley the Ratcheter

Cheating Dreams

We fell asleep Valentines night watching TV and then I had this dream. I dreamt I was on a train and I had alot of luggage. I was anxious about how I was going to get all the luggage off the train. It was strange to be so worried about something like that in a dream. It was also strange that I had my crutches because I'm almost never disabled in my dreams.
Anyway, I'm riding this train somewhere near Boston and I'm sitting in the back row by myself. After a little while of worrying about all my luggage some guys get on. I think there were three of them, but it was a pretty nondescript group. They sat in the row in front of me expect for the blonde guy. He sat next to me and smiled warmly. I thought he was really cute and at that moment in the dream I wasn't sure if it was ok for me to do something about it.
He offered to carry some of my bags when the train got to the station. I was thrilled. He and his friends got off with my bags. When I was getting off my crutch fell between the train and the platform straight down onto the tracks. I was pretty freaked out. I got lucky and a maintenance guy walked by. I didn't dream the whole process of retrieving it, but I did start to worry that in all this time the stranger I entrusted with my bags had taken off with them.
When I finally got into the station there he was by himself with my bags. I was so relieved. He flashed me another smile and invited me to get some lunch. We're sitting in the little restaurant in the train station and he's sitting next to me on the same side of the table. We're talking and laughing and he says "Are you going to kiss me or what?" Although I didn't realize I was dreaming, I did know the rules were different here. So, I kissed him. It was a really good kiss.
After a few seconds of goofy smiling I decided I had to tell him, but I reasoned that it was ok because the rules were different here. "Listen, I need to tell you something. I'm not single. I have kids." He takes this in and instead of asking me to run away with him like any respectable dream guy, he freaks out. He starts yelling and screaming about how I'm unbelievable, etc
Even though things didn't go well in the dream I woke up feeling so guilty. I always feel guilty when I cheat in a dream and I'm always angry when Mike cheats in my dream. I've woken up and punched him in the arm a few times for being a jerk in my dream. Recently, I dreamt he was letting his ex-girlfriend inject him with heroin. I think I stayed mad for a week over that one.
According to Article Alley "In most cases, however, a dream about a cheating boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse is not about the spouse at all. Rather, the dream is most likely caused by insecurity, anxiety or guilt on the part of the dreamer."
I can buy that. We didn't have a very romantic V-day and I felt really bad about it. I went through the whole postpartum and post-weening body issue roller coaster while recovering from surgery so I had more than my share of insecurities. No matter how rational the reason behind these dreams they will continue to make me feel guilty or angry. I just hope I have a better reason to feel guilty next time.

Valentine's Day

I was in  a completely different place when it came around last year . Beyond lowered expectations, I was tired this year. I dropped the ball big time. It's not my personality to wait until the last minute and holidays/traditions are so important to me. I always valued tradition.Through all the pain, surgery and resulting isolation holidays been a way to still feel connected to humanity. Valentine's Day is near and dear to me because it's such a crafty holiday. I made these shirts for the kids:

The girl onesie I made for Riley and her daycare friends



Isaac modeling the "Offical Valentine Candy Inspector" shirt I made



The onesies hanging on the cubbies at daycare

The boy onesie I made

They look impressive but a little photo shop effort and some t-shirt transfer printer paper is all it takes. I was just going to make one for Riley and Isaac, but they only had 5 packs of 18mo onesies so I did one for each baby at daycare. I also made each of Riley's friends a valentine. Since I had some recent experience I decided to make the babies heart pillows. I had all the shirts and heart pillows for Riley's baby friends done the week before:

All the finished pillows (minus Jack's)

Hard at work

I wrote the date on the bottom and Love Riley on the back (Riley's said Love Mommy)

The kids weren't my sole focus I even had a budget friendly, time consuming, romantic idea for a gift for Mike. I enlisted a co-conspirator weeks ahead of time. I really wanted to show Mike how much I appreciate him through the last year, but I totally dropped the ball. Complete failure. I was empty handed when the day came. I didn't even have a note to give him. I was really bummed, but I wasn't alone. Mike didn't have anything either and that includes plans.

I spent the day at Riley's daycare and Mike had a long day at work so we were both really tired. We didn't have a babysitter. We kind of blew the going out budget and babysitting favors on dinner and a movie for my birthday. Isaac was having stomach issues so going out as a family was out. We ended up going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell for dinner since no one had the energy to cook or the patience to wait for dinner.

After a romantic dinner of Taco Bell we put the kids to bed. We watched Castle and House and fell sound asleep with the TV on like a couple of old farts. I guess I'm getting older or (more jaded?) because that was fine with me. I felt tired more than disappointed.

We'll make up for it on our anniversary, I hope.

Two Pink Lines...

Today was the two year anniversary of my positive pregnancy test! I'll never forget it was Friday the 13th and the day before Valentines Day. It's overwhelming to think that will never happen again (and a bit of a relief). Seeing those two little lines was one of the most emotional moments of my life.

I couldn't handle it. Mike took the test for me. Here's the story and I have offically exported my pregnancy blog: Hedgehog in the Making, enjoy!

When Mama's Sick...

Ain't nobody sick!  What the heck??

Seriously, I nurse everyone in the house through some horrible virus, remain intact and the minute they're on their feet I'm dying. EVERY TIME!! They all get to be sick together and then I suffer while they're bounding around full of energy.

Grrr. Happy Birthday here's a virus. It's a really annoying one that comes in stages so you keep thinking you're better and then BAM new symptom. Give me a break.

I feel like Filbert. Blow your nose. Wash your hands. Eat some crackers. Wash your hands. Go to the bathroom. Wash your hands. Change the baby. Wash your hands.



I wonder if you sneeze into your arm do you wash your hands? Probably. Seems like you should wash your arm. Honestly I was signing the "Journey of a Germ" song from Sid the Science Kid in my head during all the hand washing. Which didn't seem to be shortening the length of my cold at all, but who knows?



It's also further proof that even when you're sick there's no TV for grown-ups. In fact, that's lots and lots of kiddie shows while you lay limply on the couch wondering if anyone ever died from coughing or literally blew their brains out.

Stupid immune system! You'd think having kids would give you super immunities. Maybe it will by the time they're out of the house.

How do you do it? How do other moms survive when you're sick and they're not?

Birthday Wisdom

What can I possibly say?!? Twenty-nine years old. I am now years past the biggest, strangest, most surprising detour my life has ever taken. The detour that become my life.

Is it "being a grown-up" when you take a break from all you know and that wonderland of strangeness becomes your life? When the good and bad, but especially the ugly that you thought were temporary announce they're here to stay? When you feel equally pulled back and compelled forward? Is that "being a grown-up"? What the hell would I know about that?

Why is it so hard to accept that parts of my life are over?
The career I dreamed about and pursued since childhood gone in large part because my functional and independent self is gone, because my college injuries, pregnancy, and age conspired to cause the total break down of this already frustrating body. Gone.  It's robbed me of large piece of my identity.

Add in two kids at home, and kiss all that goodbye.

I'm a grown up I know this because now there are chapters of my life. I have lived long enough or through enough to constitute chapters. Distinctly different pieces of my life story. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Still, me a grown up?!? A grown up, really? It simply can not be. I still rush out to opening night of animated films. I have Tinkerbell pajamas and still sleep with my blankey. How is this possible? I'm in charge of other human beings?!? (who I wish would stop growing and move out already in equal measure).

The world's smaller, a lot of choices are made, but is "this it"? Doubtful like I said, chapters. There are bound to be more pieces to the not so linear or predictable path my life is following. I like the idea the Mayans had about epochs, a new beginning every few thousands years. My epochs are a little shorter but not in the least, short on adventure.

Amelia Bedelia Moment

Riley got a little travel size purple Etch-A-Sketch recently. She knew how to work it because she'd played with her brother's often. I drew a letter R on it and Riley laughed and kissed it. Then I drew a phone with it's cord in a knot. "Oh, no" I said to Mike "The phone's not working." He fixed it by turning the toy over and giving it a shake to erase my masterpiece.

A little while later while Riley was stomping around in Momma's shoes Mike drew a phone with a functional cord on the Etch-a-sketch. I held it out to Riley and said "Look! Daddy made a phone."

She pondered the Etch-a-sketch briefly and took it from me and held it to her ear to see who was calling. Such an Amelia Bedelia moment.

I love how easily Riley goes with the flow, "oh, ok the Etch-a-Sketch is a phone now, sure." I wish I could take a page from her book more often. The other day her brother was in the living room with her and he got on his hands looking for something. Riley noticed and tried to climb on.

I told her Isaac wasn't a couch and Captain Random Comment added from his hands and knees "I'm scared of clowns" which is completely untrue by the way. Apparently, couches fear clowns probably because of all the make up stains.

She makes connections like crazy now. I gave her first box of animal crackers and when she realized they were animals you could eat she started acting out her Dinner Time book. She took out two animals at a time, babbled back and forth and  and then ate the unlucky one "for dinner."

Ever the discerning chef she got an empty onion powder container from Daddy and has spent several days sprinkling onion powder into her soups (and coffee). While we were away Riley carried a coaster around the living room offering every one snacks waitress style. She takes it all in that's for sure.

Silly, silly girl.

Have Toddler Will Travel? Step Three

Have you ever noticed that the way there always feels longer than the way home? This particular trip home, starting out earlier in the day and not squashing myself into the back seat added to that feeling. I can't be sure how Riley perceived the distance on the way home, but a freshly washed car seat and a nicely timed nap may have given her the same impression,



We stopped at a gas station where lumberjack Riley woke up hungry. With a full gas tank (thank you mom for doing all the driving!!) and empty bladders we perused the snacks. Armed with animal crackers and an apple juice with a Mickey Mouse head on it we hit the road again, It's interesting to note that Riley wasn't thrilled about the animal crackers until I explained holding up the little elastic strap "Look Riley, it's a purse." At that point she dropped the sippy she was holding, squealed with excitement, and put on the "cookie purse". Where does she get this super girlie side?



We sang songs and read books all the way home. Riley was so happy to see Daddy and brother she tried to bust through her car seat buckles.  You would have thought we were gone for months watching the joyous reunion.

Every time I think I'm better "enough" to travel back to my past life to see "my family" from before I had this one, I take a short trip like this and realize I'm not.  If a weekend away wrecks me there are no 2,000mile trips in  the near future. This is more crushing a blow because I'm so sick of being here. I'm tired of not going anywhere. Traveling was a big part of the before life and the world shrunk down to an occasional 20min drive from home. The universe is centered around my living room, for now...

Have Toddler, Will Travel? Step Two

Now being on vacation for a few days was an unpredictable adventure when I was single, but with a toddler the trick is to make things as familiar as possible. Luckily for me Riley sleeps in a pack and play at day care. For extra security we also had her piggy pillow.

I remember glancing around the veritable toy store that was the "grandchildren's room" and thinking Riley was going to wake up and rush the wall of her pack and play, tip it and charge the toys. There was a fully equipped play kitchen, baby dolls aplenty and all the accessories for baby care, animals enough to fill a zoo and even an Elmo easy chair. She was asleep in the middle of her personal toy heaven.

Unsurprisingly, Riley rose at 6am I was able to talk her into going back to sleep, thank goodness. At 6:50am she was up again and this time she'd gotten a good look around. I let her out and grabbed my camera to document the ensuing glee. She raced around the room from toy to toy yelling "Yeeeee!" It was adorable. I laid in the bed snapping pictures and laughing. She found a whole bucket of baby bottles and rushed around the room feeding every baby and stuffed animal she found.

It was nice to lie down and watch her play. I fantasized about putting a bed in the center of her room. Although, on second thought it may just make me depressed about all the sleep I'm missing out on. Speaking of which, I had Riley dressed, shoes on, and hair done  (Riley had fed every toy in the room) an hour later when we heard people stirring.  She'd already had a busy morning so while the adults shuffled around in p.j.'s with cups of coffee she had fruit and yogurt. Luckily for me they still had a highchair because I had a travel one that didn't make it to the car.

Once she'd put something in her belly she was off to explore. We used to have dwarf hamsters they were sweet little critters and the thing they loved most was to explore. They would dart about their freshly cleaned cage noting everything that had changed. Riley went into full on hamster-mode. She squealed with delight at the ceramic cow collection, the chickens in the yard, the Valentine's Day decorations and all the toys!

Riley's investigation was winding down when breakfast was ready. My little lumberjack ate eggs, grits, and bacon regardless of her snack an hour before. After mentioning Riley's love of dinosaurs my aunt produced a Dora and Diego dinosaur movie from her extensive collection. Riley loves Dora almost as much as dinosaurs so the movie was a big hit. After the movie and some jacks lessons from grandma it was nap time.

Nap time went off without a hitch despite me pushing the wrong button on the unfamiliar CD player and causing only one song rather than the whole CD to repeat. After the nap it was time for Walmart (gulp). I wanted some organic whole milk for Riley. A cooler and snacks would have been a welcome addition on our trip. Somehow I left town with a bag of cut up apples as the only snack option which is ridiculous considering on any given trip to the park I pack more snacks than that and Riley's been eating alot lately.

It was packed of course so it took a couple trips around the parking lot to get a handicapped space. I didn't have my wheelchair because there wasn't room in the car so it was a huge bummer when all the electric carts were taken. See Kati's blog on the subject of electric carts she pretty much hit the nail on the head Kati's Blog So, shocker not an electric cart to be had. I reasoned I could push the cart long enough to get the milk and the big brother gift I needed and then we'd find a bench or something. Needless to say I come out with more than two items, like $70 worth of more.

Some of it was practical like suction cup bowls and milk, but most of it wasn't and none of it was for me. It was the first time I ever regretted bringing Riley down the toy aisle. I'd like to believe it was low blood sugar and too much excitement, but it was bad. She used to just point and babble excitedly until she had something to hold and then all would be quiet. Not this time. Oh, no. She grabbed things I showed her out of my hands hoarded them until her arms where full and cried when I put things back. We were headed out of the toy aisle, mission accomplished and then some, when she spotted a set of Mickey and Minnie Mouse cars. It was ugly. I will admit I made a bad call and let her "look at it", rookie mistake what can I say.

When all was calm again we went to check out where Riley announced with polite, but insistent signing that she was hungry. I gave her lunch before we left, but so goes a growth spurt. I let her choose between Cheetos and crackers because that's what that had at the check out besides candy. I opened the bag and thrust it at her, but she had apparently decided this was not what she wanted after all. Annoyed and wearing down, myself, I passed her to grandma who deposited her in the now empty cart and that's when I spotted a pouch of applesauce, score! She sucked it dry and then started on the Cheetos before we had gotten out the door.

When we got home grandma plucked Riley down in the front yard and ever cautious my Roo stood silently watching the chickens for a few moments. When they came closer she proudly held up her new bath baby doll. It was really cute until she was screaming, really screaming. My mom yanked her out of the dirt gave her a quick look and put her in my arms. She hadn't seen any sign of injury. She told me that Riley had tripped and scared the rooster. After a minute I saw a red puffy area on the side of her face. Every mom knows that cry, the one that turns your blood cold because they only use in when they're really hurt and terrified. My panic spread to my mother who ran insdie the house. By the time everyone rushed out I reassured them that it was a pretty minor injury. "Oh good!" my aunt exclaimed "Because I was screaming for him to get the shoot gun."

In the end after a few terrifying moments it was clear they had scared each other and in his haste to get away poor Mr. Rooster had stepped on Riley's head and broken the skin. It's moments like these I miss breast feeding the most. I used to be able to make it all better so easily, but no more. She was washed and Neosporin-ed and off to play shortly. I felt guilty that she'd scared everyone. My aunt explained that roosters can be very overprotective husbands to their hens and once they attack they become dangerous to people. I reassured her yet again that niether Riley or her rooster had been aggressive.

After dinner Riley took her new bath baby in the bath tub. Their bath tub and all it's fixtures are so shiny and new they were reflective. Riley thought it was hilarious to be able to watch herself splash and play. I wish I had video! It totally over-shadowed the dolly I got her thinking bath time in a different tub would be easier with a new toy. Silly me.

It was a long day and she went right to sleep and I wasn't far behind. I hadn't really recovered from Friday, had done alot more walking than I intended and it was a rainy day so my joints were aching. I was also aware that it would be another early morning. Vacationing with a toddler is remarkably similar to staying at home there's no extra sleep and minimal TV that isn't animated.

Our hosts were truly amazing they made us feel right at home. I aspire to be a gracious host in a spacious house. It was lovely not to have to worry about meals or what the boys were up to, and I didn't.

Have Toddler, Will Travel: Step One.

Whoever said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step did not have a toddler. I ran away this weekend. We went on a three hour drive to visit a family friend up north. I thought it would be relaxing, but in general I didn't think too much, logistically or in general.

I got help to straighten up the house this morning because Mike was sick in bed. These are the worst days for me since my back surgery. Even if Mike isn't being helpful there is the potential that at some point in the day he will be. It's worse than the days he works at the office because at least I can plan ahead for those. When all the sudden I'm on my own I have alot of anxiety. The house was of course was wrecked.

I put up the Bat Signal and I was soon delegating tasks from the couch. The floor got picked up and vacuumed, the garbage went out, lunch got made and Riley went down for a nap. It was an amazingly productive few hours. When Riley woke up we were headed to a play date where we were promised brownies.

It was when I was on the way there (an hour later thank you, toddler time) that I was invited to get out of Dodge with Miss Roo. I came home from the play date hours later and rushed around getting us packed. I know a weekend is no big deal when you're single, but taking a 1yr old to house that doesn't have one requires extra packing. I was worried about her having a place to sleep. She could eat in my lap all weekend if it came to it,but she's long since passed the days of sleeping with mommy. She needs her own space to flail and roll. Our pack and play was a must.

When my mom was ready to hit the road our dinner was almost done cooking. It was already dark so we opted to go, leaving behind a home cooked meal for some fast food  on the way. This also meant squishing me in next to the car seat in the back to feed Riley. This as it turns out was unbelievably uncomfortable undertaking.

We hit the golden arches before we got on the highway. I have gotten Riley Happy Meals before and usually chicken nuggets are the best bet, but lately whenever we feed her something different and Mom or Dad has a burger she goes nuts until we give her a bite. She's been eating like a lumberjack lately. I suspect another growth spurt. I ordered her a cheeseburger with apples instead of fries. Low and behold, they actually gave me apples for the first time ever (I've been requesting them for big brother for years and the ONLY time I make it home with apples is when I've had the wherewithal to check and swap).

There I sat  feeling regretful about my busy day, my squished position and the fast food I had just ingested when my back decided to inform me it had had quite enough today. I was busy trying to get my body to relax a bit and save the new car seat from Riley's chocolate milk and there wasn't much I could do. My first tip for a car trip with a toddler bring extra sippys I wish I had thought to bring some of our take and toss cups. She was doing beautifully and I was swelling with pride that she was such a good girl.

Just like Boston weather the toddler is a changeable creature. I think that the novelty of a Happy Meal in the back seat wore off and the burger's excessive rather than absent onions become a problem. I also think fatigue was getting the better off both of us. I supplemented the over-onioned burger with some chicken and apples. She ate well and by the time she flailed and spilled a significant amount of chocolate milk on the side of her body I couldn't reach (of course) we were both ready for bed.

At that point my pain was unbearable and I was biting my lip to keep myself from tears. We stopped at a gas station so we could get the baby situated and I could move up front. More tips: put the baby in pajamas before you put her in the car seat and only stay in the back seat for brief periods. It was much easier and more comfortable to entertain her from the passenger seat and it's too exciting to sleep with Mommy right there.

Once my pajama-ed Riley-pie was settled and I was in the front knocking back more Advil things calmed down alot. Of course I had no idea that while she slept her white pajamas where soaking up chocolate milk. It was dark so I had no idea how bad the spill was. Mother of the year, I know. I was in the front seat shallowly breathing through the horrific spasms my back seat time had wrought and wondering when I became one of those "I don't sleep on the floor/sit  in the backseat" people .

We were winding back through the dark woods when Riley started wailing. Not whimpering or fussing, but wailing like a Banshee. It was impossible to tell whether she was really awake or sleep crying. I talked to her, squeezed her foot, sang a song and adjusted her piggy pillow to no avail. True to some baby union bylaw Riley screamed until we got the end of the driveway and then as soon as we were no long looking for street signs in the dark woods she resumed soundly sleeping.

Somehow the sleeping baby and pack and play made it inside, but more incredibly I was able under my own power, barely, to get to the bed. At which point I discovered it was a foot taller than I was and sent everyone searching for a stool. Once I was in (and knew I could get out) I held back tears of pain and overwhelming fatigue long enough to call Mike and tell him we made it. After I hang up the phone I rolled over to turn off the lamp discovered some books that belong to my honorary aunt's 8yr old granddaughter. I had no choice but to read the Amelia Bedilia book (don't you love her?) cover to cover. Ah, memories. I was out cold by 10:30.

For those of you who were brave enough to try, what are you're best car trip tips?

"I'm Not a Princess! I'm a Durl (girl)!"

I am quoting little Savannah who I used to babysit. She loved to play with Abby, but no matter what her big sister wanted her to pretend to be her answer was the same. She just didn't want to be something she wasn't.

It's nice to have a solid sense of self, but pretend is amazing. Riley loves to pretend usually she pretends to make coffee or soup. I think she really enjoys saying "hot!" and having you blow on it. Lately my little chef has taken to picking up her toy phones (she must have at least 10) and yelling "eggs!" into them. Maybe she's expanding the menu? Or maybe she's ordering breakfast, who knows?

I much prefer this game to her angry screaming into the phone that Daddy taught her. Mommy takes the phone and says "oh, hello Elmo!", but Daddy likes to pretend it's a solicitation call and yell "don't you call here!" Guess who Riley imitates. Another pretend game she likes to play lately is wash your hands. She'll bring you whatever bottle is handy and shake a little "hand sanitizer" onto her hands and yours and rub them together and laugh.

She also likes to take a baby wipe and wipe all her baby doll's faces. I guess they're a dirty bunch. So domestic, always cooking, cleaning and taking care of babies. I wonder if she would play this way if I wasn't at home with her?

It's OK soon enough we'll break out Space Camp Barie and play mission to space.

What are your little ones pretending? Do you remember any pretand games from childhood?

Fantastic February

I have a list as long as my arm of things I want to write about, but I need to pause in my enlightening, witty and humorous observations and anecdotes of motherhood to talk about something that's completely self-centered and selfish.

February is my favorite month. It always has been not just because it's my birth month. Although, birthdays are super important to me. I think everyone should have one day a year that's all about them. I like that it's a weird-o with 28 days and the sole determiner of a leap year.

February is also over-booked, just like me. Grammys, occasionally a Super Bowl, Groundhog's Day, Valentine's Day, Black History Month. Busy, busy busy.

Last year my birthday was a really big deal because it was a reaffirmation that I had been a whole person before Riley and (gasp!) I am still my own separate person with birthdays and friends outside of motherhood.

February is a once a year reminder that the kids aren't the only ones who have have grown and changed. It's a busy, crazy, up-and-down reminder of where I've been and where I'm going. Or at least a reminder to consider it.

When I was single thinking about myself was part of any average day, but now it takes some special date on a calender to flip the lever that causes the train to jump to another track.

February, is it? Why hello again, me. You're looking older I do hope wiser too. In that case resume congratulating and berating yourself in turn. Job well done with the aging. Same time next year?