Maddy,
I'm so glad you're coming to meet us in February. Your Mommy and Daddy are pretty amazing (and your Aunt Katie, Uncle Mike and Cousins aren't bad either). We all love you already. In fact there's a whole extended family waiting to love you to pieces. I just know you'll be one of the loveliest little bits, ever. Can't wait to meet you!
Aunt Katie
ps: I know you're not due then, but if you come on my birthday I'll share the cake. (:
From the moment they're born you are bogged down with diapers, burp clothes, wipes and so on into infinity. When we weaned there was still sippy cups and diapers. When we potty trained we had a travel potty and spare undies to haul. I realized the other day that I've been carrying the baby bag around and not opening it. It's absolutely a requirement when Miss Roo goes to grandma's for the afternoon, but for a trip to the grocery store it's no longer necessary.
It's bizarre because with most milestones I think off and on about when she'll wean, or the magic day we no longer need diapers, but this one never crossed my mind. I got used to always having a baby bag. Now I have a toddler and I can carry a reasonable sized purse.
Isn't it amazing how deeply a little detail like that can effect you? It's just a purse, but I feel empowered to be my own person again. I'm attempting to stop thinking of Riley as an appendage. She's her own person and I'm mine. Imagine that? On a separation of mom and baby note. I can't be away from Riley more than 3days a week top, it's impossible. For now I can have her with me as much as I want so it's not a big deal, but someday work will beckon and I just hope I'm ready. I remember blogging about how being away from Riley for 2 hours was my threshold. Where did the time go?
I do this to myself all the time. I start plugging things into the calendar and puffing up with pride about how I'm going to get it all done. Then I step back when it's time to actually go to all the appointments and freak out. I don't ask "what was I thinking?". Like Isaac and the squares on his lunch tray if a calendar square is empty I am driven to fill it.
This week I have 1-2appointments every day and some major events happening this weekend. Ugh. I'm also at a disadvantage because the inclement weather has rendered my left hip pretty useless and my car is not yet fixed. It's going to be a busy, busy week.
It looks like this: Monday-House cleaning!! Homework to prepare for class video chat 9pm. Tuesday- Lunch break cake tasting appointment with Mike (and Riley?) Wednesday-Cake tasting appointment in Tampa with Lara (fingers crossed about my car being ready)I didn't have a lot of options so It's happening right at Isaac's dismissal time, but I've made arrangements for Grandma to walk him home. Riley will be at Boo's house. At 5pm we have a confrence with Isaac's teacher and at 6pm it's open house. Thursday (Sept 1st)-Second opinion from another Ortho about my dad gum hip. I'm absolutely, completely stressed out. There's no good news here. It'll be nothing to be done or hip surgery before the wedding. Pray for this one. Grandma's going to keep any eye on the kids while go have all the fun. Friday-As if anything could be less fun, I'm going to the GYN for a repeat on my abnormal pap. For those of you who have been following the saga, it's back. Not happy. I have refused any further biopsies at this point (it's been almost 6yrs of them), but I have to at least go for 3 paps a year. At least until they decide to something besides watch it. That may be another fun pre-wedding procedure. Spray tan and teeth bleaching? Nah, hip replacement and hysterectomy. Ok, I'm being a touch over-dramatic, but it's stressful none the less. On the bright side my sister flies in Friday. Yay! So that day won't be all bad. It will be intensely busy because it's our last day to be ready for company and...Riley's 2nd Birthday Party!
Saturday- Riley's party is post nap. We'll get any remaining food items in the morning and tidy up. Hopefully, her present will be ready for presentation (which involves rearranging the living room furniture). After the party I have nothing scheduled for 48hrs, phew.
Ready, set, overwhelming week! At least we're on the right foot. It's 8:20am Monday morning and the kids are dropped off, Mike's on his way to work on time and laundry is underway. I'll attempt to do one thing at a time and eventually the week will end.
Those (expletive) little (expletives) down at the dealership have incurred my wrath. They have been slow to respond, rude and sent my car home in worse shape than I brought it in for the five long years of my warranty. I generally dislike them. In fact my entire family (Mom, Dad and Sister) drives the same kind of car and have all had so many bad experiences they refuse to return. At one point they did my sister's oil change without putting any oil back in and killed her engine. Bad things happen there.
It's one thing to be a jerk or a scam artist it is another entirely to endanger the lives of my kids. I'm so angry I can barely see straight. It was one thing to spill oil all over my engine during an oil change and send me home to discover thick black smoke pouring out of my hood on a holiday weekend. That was bad. This is worse.
I got pulled over and warned because my headlight was out. When Mike attempted to change the bulb it was fine. He replaced the fuse and on it went. I drove the car for 30min and then it was out again. It shouldn't have been shorting out like that, but it was. Want to know why? Because when the dealership replaced my serpentine belt they hooked a cluster of wires that controls my electrical systems. In the weeks since it has rubbed all the wires exposed causing shorts and a serious fire hazard! I can not imagine what kind of moron would make such a careless mistake nor can I fathom someone malicious enough to purposefully do such a dangerous thing just to secure more business.
They have ignored me struggling with my wheelchair and toddler, called a day later than promised, tried to charge me for things I never requested and even made and admitted careless mistakes before, but this is too much. They couldn't pay me to bring my car back in there. If they wanted to pay me to fix this I'd refuse. They will NEVER touch my car or the car of anyone I care about again, ever. I get ulcer pains at the mention of their name.
That's Crown Buick GMC Suzuki Service Center at 5326 34th Street North St. Petersburg, FL 33714. Stay Clear. The sales staff was kind to me all those years ago, but I would have saved myself a considerable amount of stress and money by skipping the warranty and steering clear of their train wreck of a service center. At this point for the sake of my safety and sanity I will never do business with them again.
(Etsy seller: rocknbaby)Minus the daisy with this instead:
(Etsy seller: bigblackdogdesigns)
Favors/Bags
Bags that say "little dinos rule" or have primary colored happy sauruses and are reversable (each with a different color lining)
(Etsy seller: pannaz)
Books to go in the goody bags: How Do Dinosaurs board books
(Scholastic)
Invitations
(Mommy made them)
Cake
Happy spotted brontosaurus in pink and blue with fun fetti cake. Something like:
Courtesy of Aunt D. check out her cake art last year Riley's First Birthday.
Riley adores Halloween. She reads her Halloween books constantly. She likes pumpkins and candy of course, but she really has a thing for "mon-ters." It's adorable the way she'll point to herself exclaim "mon-ter" and "rar!" in her sweet little voice. Both kids love Halloween. Mike and I have a lot of fun with it. This year I decided to start early picking and procuring costumes.
I still get most of the say in Riley's so she'll be Rainbow Brite:
Isaac's pick is MUCH more difficult (of course). First he just said he wanted to be a bug. Visions of pipe cleaner atennae and face paint and general cuteness filled my mind. After a moment of reflection though he refined his request to a praying mantis. Hmmm...Lime green attire no biggie, but distinctive arms and jaw will be trickier. You never know though I thought last years Marty McFly was going to be a challenge, but once I had the orange vest we were golden.
For some reason typing the title I heard it in my head like an announcer introducing fighters at a cage match. It's been an internal struggle for a while. I'll never be only me again. I will also be a mom forever more. Now I hear raven calls! Bear with me, I have a point. The battle is usually a silent background one (sleep 5 more minutes or get up and make pancakes for the kids, etc). It isn't even a battle most of the time just an ebb and flow that sometimes gets stuck in one direction too long.
It came into pretty sharp focus when there was a concert fast approaching that I wanted to attend. Imagine that! A concert, like when I was single. Oh, I was excited. I was mulling over ticket options for said concert when an email arrived, apparently I get alumni discount on Disney on Ice. It was of course the same weekend and in the same price range. Shoot. Now, I had to choose my first concert with adults in 5ish years or taking the kids to Disney on Ice for their first time?
It's fortunate for me they had the cheapest tickets and wheelchair seating left for the concert because that is what tipped the scales. "It's been their turn a long time" I told myself "it's my turn now". Mike was thrilled a)Not to have to attend Disney On Ice b)Not to have to go anywhere and all to happy to watch the kids while I did.
I still feel a little guilty buying even reasonably priced tickets for great seats, but I need a night out. I'm super excited to see this person live and I'm glad I'm giving another mom a night out too.
Things are changing quickly around here. Isaac is in 3rd grade. It boggles the mind. The potty has left the living room. Riley speaks in full sentences (ie "We need to fix it, Daddy."). What's happening?
Riley goes into the bathroom like a big girl now to use her little potty and she's gotten the procedure down much better. Pull down (by herself), sit down, potty, wipe (sometimes on her own), pull up (by herself) and wash hands with help. Phew! She's been accident free at home and away for the most part. She's going to be 2yrs old in about 2wks! Invites are sent, favors are here, cake is being conceived and we're (almost) ready to roll. I'm excited and sad, but she acts so much older than she is it seems funny that she's not two yet.
As for her older brother, he started at a new school this year. It's exciting because it's close enough for even me to walk (wheelchair) beside him to and from school. His new school also has free breakfast for everyone in the morning, so he goes early and eats with his friends before class. He has Mrs C. in the morning for language arts and Mr. M in the afternoon for science and math. He reported that his first day was "Awesome. Awesome. Awesome." I'm highly impressed with the organization level at dismissal and the over all level of calm among the staff it really puts the high stress chaos of his former school to shame.
As if all that weren't amazing enough, he gets to go back to his old school once a week when gifted starts. He'll have his old teacher and see all of his friends. Plus, he's thrilled to finally get to ride the smelly old yellow school bus. I'm noticing a change in him already. I don't know if it's maturity or just the effects of a calmer school environment. I hope he fulfills some of his potential this year. It's always what you make of it in the end.
My kids are growing up and I'm falling behind the times. I had to look up words in people's facebook statuses this week?!? Sigh, it's as it should be I suppose.
From Tue the 16th to Fri the 19th I was in bed with what turned out to be a kidney infection. Nasty, nasty thing. I hope it was my first and last. Poor Riley was having terrible nightmares and demanding to see me since I hadn't been out of my bed. It was a haze of fighting to stay awake long enough to give Mike a few kid related reminders, weeping while I shuffled across the hall to the bathroom and drinking cranberry juice or water like they were going out of style.
Here's the lesson, Moms, when you and the baby are sick by all means take care of your baby first, but you have to take care of yourself too. I ignored my symptoms. I took Riley to the doctor and got her medicine when she showed the beginning signs of an ear infection. When I felt like I had a bladder infection I drank cranberry juice and told myself it was getting better. I let it get into my kidney.
I was driving the kids home in the rain on Tuesday thinking I didn't feel well and then the fever hit me at home on the couch. I was done. All that time recovering from the cold that started all this and now I was a vegetable between pain, fever and fatigue. Bad times.
I'm halfway through my antibiotics as of today. Woohoo! Hopefully, feeling 100% human will come in time. Take care of yourselves, please.
You know the expression, you'd lose your head if it wasn't attached. It's on repeat in my head. I never lose things. I'm the organized person with an excellent memory most of the time.
I lost an appendage essentially. I often use one crutch when I have Riley so I can hang on to the backpack lead and her hand. At some point in the last two weeks (I haven't a clue when) I came back to the car somewhere (no idea where, either) propped my crutch against the car, loaded Riley into her car seat, loaded my stuff and drove away without my crutch. I cannot believe it. It's like missing a leg.
I assumed they'd become separated so I didn't look very hard until recently. I haven't a clue who to ask if they've seen it because I don't know where or when I left it behind. I'm not even positive that's what happened. It's pretty likely though.
Shoot, shoot, shoot!
Riley's 2nd birthday is (gulp) 3weeks away! I can't believe it. So, I've ordered and received ridiculously cute dinosaur tote bags, How Do Dinosaurs books and baby dinosaur hatching from an egg cups for her guests. We're going small, just VIB's (very important babies) and immediate family. We did 50+ guests last year for her first. It was an amazing, but I'm still recovering. So, it was time for invites.
Materials
Riley's party is dinosaur themed so earlier in the summer I put a folder on my desktop and started pulling every dinosaur related picture from birth to now into it. I ended up with 33 images. I think that confirms that a dinosaur theme was the right choice. I picked 5 images in the end for a photo collage. I made it in paintshop and added the party info in the center myself, but you can make one on any photo processing site. I kept the collage pretty low key since I intended to mount it on a colorful dinosaur. I printed mine on glossy photo paper at home, but obviously you can easily order yours through any photo site.
Ta-da!
The next step was to find my dinosaur. I find there are two categories of dinos happy toddler friendly ones or more realistic, scary older kid dinos. I did a Google search for dinosaur coloring pages. I picked a happy, be-speckled, brontosaurus friend. I pulled the coloring page into paintshop turned him long ways on the page and distorted his belly to accommodate a 4x6 photo.
Once that was done and I had printed my 4 dinos, I got out the polka dotted paper options. I cut the dino out of the white paper and colored the speckles and head ridge with bright colored fine tip Sharpies. Then I colored the body with a crayon to give him some texture. I'm sure there's something you could color over to get scale pattern, but I didn't bother. I used the same color group and just alternated. If you mount the photo first it's much less coloring. If you're doing a large group, print them onto the colored cardstock.
Next I glued them to the background paper and cropped around the dino with my paper cutter. Once they were mounted I had a good bit of space over his back so I decided to write the name of each VIB on their invites. I took the pictures before I did this. I used a black Sharpie to hand write their names and fine tipped bright colored ones to embellish them. I was considering cutting their names out on my Silhouette, but just wanted to finish and deliver them.
Here they are:
I'm a little moody because of everything that's going on. I keep thinking about how much things have change. I'm a handful of months away from leaving my twenties behind forever. Strange. Within the next 2yrs (Riley's age in 3wks) Isaac will complete his first decade of life! Woah.
I took Miss Roo to a first birthday party this afternoon. It was for the baby of my little sister's high school friend. My sister who is forever 23yrs old in my mind has friends (like this one) who are well on their way to being families of four. Most of the guests by far were adults and, as if they were party favors, every group of them had a newborn.
This meant I was a "big kid Mommy". Tables have turned. I'm old, my baby grew up. I'm sooooo grateful not to have a newborn, but I'm not ready to have one of the oldest kids at the party. It's strange. I miss the intimacy of infancy and almost nothing else. Onward we go.
This evening we went to a get together in honor of a deceased family member. Riley fell asleep on the way and I was so grateful to cling to my tiny girl as she slept on me. It felt calming to hold the youngest member of the family while we mourned a patriarch's passing. It goes so quickly.
I have been telling Mike that we have to put what we want done with the kids should we die on paper since I was pregnant. Now we have a potential vacation without kids looming. Fingers crossed, we find the money for a honeymoon. We absolutely have a deadline now.
Deadline or not it’s a hard thing to face and write down. It's so important to make these decisions while we're young and healthy. I used to really worry about finding someone who could care for my equally sweet and intelligent, but wildly different children. Now it seems there are more than a few viable options. I worry a lot more about what Mike would do if I passed away. He has always had an amazing support system and I have certainly added to that by bringing my friends and family with me. The problem is he is worse than I am about asking for help. I can't imagine Mike having an easy time on his own with the kids even if they were older.
I also worry about our individual wishes being carried out. We had a death in the family today. The final days were filled with a battle to get him released from the hospital into hospice care because he wanted to die at home. I completely empathize with those wishes. I have held hands with dying relatives in the ICU and it's NOT something I want for my sake or my kid’s.
So, now we'll start wading through the semantics of our wishes for after we're dead. I think if you prepare for it it's less likely to happen. I have seen how much stress leaving no instructions behind can cause and I'd like to at the least make it a little easier on the kids.
Riley is still recovering from her ear infection. She's a slightly lower energy and much lower appetite, but she's much better. She is also on day 2 of antibiotics and no longer contagious. This morning I was ready for Riley to spend the day with her friends and so was she.
Having been sick myself while caring for a sick toddler I was way behind. I spent the day cleaning the kitchen, catching up on emails, working on Mike's birthday present and such. I even took a nice 2hr nap.
I had a nice early dinner and then Mike and the kids came home. I had a text from D. that Riley had started eating normally later in the day. It was a relief since while I was there she refused to eat anything. I wasn't too worried about her, but I didn't even think about what kind of potty day she'd have. I had set my expectations very low in the morning and by the evening had forgotten them entirely.
I heard Mike say "Bring it to Mommy. Riley, show Mommy your sticker for no accidents." She came matching toward me with her take home folder in her outstretched arms. She had a big note in blue marker with a smiley face that said "No Accidents All Day". The note was accompanied with 2 Wonder Pets stickers. Riley was very concerned with liberating the stickers from the page, but I think also proud. I know I sure was!
Mike also reported that D. had been very impressed with Riley going to the potty herself and pulling her pants down by herself. It was a red letter potty day for Miss Roo for sure. Now her away from home potty skills have caught up with her at home potty skills, finally. Hurray!
Riley and went to see her doctor yesterday morning. Her body has pretty much killed the eye infection, but not before it migrated to her ear. Poor thing. No wonder she was so frustrated yesterday. Stupid old ear infection.
I'm still trying to win the battle myself so her outbursts of frustration are tough to take. Hopefully, now that we're a few doses of antibiotics in it'll be downhill...
I had grand plans for what I thought would be my last day without kids until 5:30. I was excited and well prepared to drop the kids off and run. However, toddlers as a group do not believe in “according to plan”. Saturday night Riley woke up somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-10 times during the night. Sunday morning her nose was running. By the afternoon her eye had joined the snot festival of snot and she had a fever. There went my day without kids.
It got worse however, I was served an early dinner I could not eat. My throat started bothering me and soon I couldn't keep my eyes open. Riley and I were both sick in bed after dinner and both sound asleep by 7:45pm. Monday had gone from something to look forward to, to something to dread.
Up until now when one of the kids has been sick I'm ok or vice versa. This was the first time Riley and I had been really sick together. A whole day alone with a sick toddler, while I was sick. When I get a virus I get horrible joint pain so it's hard to move.
I had a terrible time throwing myself out of bed this morning. Riley seemed a little perkier than the night before, but insisted on a bath. I thought it was a good idea, but wished I could sleep a few more hours. After bath she was less snotty and warm, but I was crampy and nauseous. Off to a good start.
The most frustrating thing about sick toddlers is they have manic behavioral shifts. One minute they're tiny zombies, moaning and cuddling you, and the next they're playing like nothing's wrong. It's exhausting when you're not viral yourself. Also, toddlers lack the communication skills to express their frustration and pain. Riley kept throwing things, dumping things, yelling and hitting me. Which is also much easier to cope with when I'm well.
We survived the morning in a haze of Disney movies, convenience foods and multiple baths. At 11:00 I decided we were both ready for an early nap. Riley (and Mom) slept for an hour. I was able to get her back to sleep after about 10mins, thank goodness. I slept heavy and had weird dreams the rest of the nap. At about 2pm I awoke to an urgent knock. It took me a minute to realize it was Riley knocking on her own door to be let out.
In the afternoon I felt more human, but Riley seemed to be declining. By 4pm I called the dr. They're squeezing her in at 8am. Hopefully, we'll be in bed early and on the mend tomorrow. Actually, I have a video chat for my e-course at 9pm. Maybe a nap? Oy, what a day!
I lost some days. They got sucked into the abyss. I was experiencing serious back spasms in the evenings when I normally write my blog. I was doing ok, treading water, but I got several days behind. I decided even though for months now I have written a post every day (even if I posted them late) I would let a few days go.
I was able to get things under control with medication and minimal rest. I think every time I hit a point where I've healed some more I fall apart. My body developed habitual ways of moving over the course of my lifetime and now there is metal in my spine. My muscles fight against it, but they lose. When they have lost for long enough they spasm. Not like "ouch a cramp." More like we're going on 10min of not being able to sit forward or move my arms. Shallow breathing, anyone else would go to the ER kind of spasms.
I just hope this isn't a lifelong issue. I have enough of those. So, between my pain issues and some borderline manic hormone related issues I have let 8/4, 8/5 & 8/6 go un-written. Maybe the whole episode was a humility lesson...or at least an exercise in realistic expectations. Keep up the house, care for the kids, plan a wedding, start an e-course and write two blogs, perhaps it was too much before spasms were added to the mix...
I am raising two kids and although some days I feel completely alone I have a partner. All joking aside, Mike is great with the kids. I have been fighting the impulse to take over with them since...well always, but especially since Riley was born. I knew in my head I couldn't possibly do it alone, but my heart/hormones kept screaming that only I could do it "right." It took work to back off.
I imagine it's hard for any mother, but when you stay home with the kids it is your job. You spend 8-12hrs a day on weekdays (and some weekend days) taking care of the kids. It's hard to stop sometimes. During the week your partner comes home drained and doesn't, as my fantasies dictate, walk in the door, thank me and take over the kids. He's off the clock, but I'm not. After dinner, I calculate which nights are worth asking him to put the kids to bed and which night's it's just faster to do it myself. I save them up like get out of jail free cards.
Often when I have a break I find myself habitually tidying instead of doing something I need to do for me. I have to wake up out of my Mommy trance and tell myself to sit down and ignore that task for a minute. It isn't easy. In fact sometimes it's so hard to remember how to do things for myself I just don't for days. There is no physical boundary between work time and break time. This is one reason I find from time to time that I have forgotten to share the kid duties very equally.
Every now and then it'll occur to me Mike has no idea how to get both kids ready to go somewhere without me or Riley hasn't had a bed time story from Daddy in a while. It's important to me that my kids know they can get anything they need from either of their parents. It's also important to our relationship and my sanity that Mike and I always do our best to function as a team. Teamwork is not accomplished without a lot of effort and forethought. It is never, even on the best day equal (that's never the goal).
It's just a question of strengths and weaknesses. If it's crucial the kids go to sleep on time or the next day’s events will be ruined then it's my turn. If my ankles/back/hips/whatevers are swollen and I'm exhausted it has to be his turn. Mike is the go to parent for running around and fixing broken toys. You get the picture. You can't ask the other parent to do it your way (with any degree of success) you just have to make sure you're comfortable with them doing it their way before you ask for help.
If you are never willing to ask, I suggest you start learning to let go. I hope you find a loving attempt to back you up when you need it and your kids have a much closer relationship with both of you as a result. Just like with everything else there are good days and bad days.
Isaac went out to take out the garbage and when he came back he made an attempt to turn the door knob and apparently failed. He proceeded to knock urgently. Mike and I yelled almost in unison that it was unlocked. He persisted knocking without further attempt to let himself in despite having just seconds before having passed through the door.
Mike went and opened the door. He spent several minutes convincing Isaac the door had been unlocked and making sure he could get in next time. Do you picture that Far Side cartoon with the gifted boy pushing on the pull door? Me too.
We all had a good laugh about how Isaac couldn't work a door knob and returned to our tasks. As he was passing through the living room Isaac said: I didn't know, Mom! I heard. That's pretty silly. At least you know now. I never learned to use a door knob, you know (I assume he's still joking, but he continues) You know why? Why you can't use a door? Yeah, it's because my mother never taught me. You know, my real mom. (I take this odd comment in, before responding) Isaac, your mom left when you were a very small baby. Even if she had wanted to teach you couldn't have turned a door knob. Oh...Well, I miss her. Isaac you don't know her. You can't miss someone you don't know. You're curious about her and you think about her and that's normal, but you don't miss her. Well, I remember her visiting me one time when- Isaac she's visited you a few times since she left, but most people's moms see them every day. Yeah, because they're...good. Yes, she made some bad choices and she continues to and part of that is not seeing you. You're lucky you have people who love you to take care of you. (long pause)Yeah (and he skips off to the shower)
At first I thought it was an "oh, poor me I can't open a door because my mom left" experiment to see if this would allow him to get away with stuff. This would explain why he said all this to me rather than Mike and the attitude of “testing” something he had. I think I handled it pretty well. I don't think there's any need to bad mouth her, but he's old enough to understand she left by choice and hasn't ever been a significant presence in his life by choice.
I wonder if he has any idea his occasional comments about her affect me? Probably not, as an almost 9yr old boy he's usually the center of his universe. Still, maybe it was trying to get at me for some reason. Either way, I hope I handled as well as I think I did. I look forward to more comprehensible musings on his "real mom" in the future. It's always hazy and random so far. Someday, maybe he’ll realize I chose to be here when I didn't have to be and her choosing to leave won't matter as much.
Riley and Daddy build things and cook together all the time. Riley loves to help. Over the weekend I got this great shot of Riley helping. Munching a blueberry waffle in one hand patting Daddy on the back with the other. Sans clothes and standing on the counter very absorbed in their task.
For the life of me I cannot remember what exactly they were doing. I want to say making coffee, but I have a feeling they're fixing something up there. Whatever it was I'm sure it turned out alright with all that concentration. By the way, when Riley thinking about something now she says "hmmm" and rubs her chin it's so cute.
Here team Daddy/Daughter in action:
