Ho, Ho, Hoppin'

Isaac's awesome 2nd grade teacher did Christmas around the world everyday the last week of school. The 2nd graders pretended to visit each of these places on the "Polar Express." So on Friday to wrap up their week they were invited to wear their pajamas and watch the movie. Mike, Riley and I went to have lunch with him in the classroom. It was a fun surprise for him and Riley thinks Isaac's school is amazing.

Isaac isn't the only kid with a social calender around our house either. For the week of the hip surgery and continuing one day a week since Riley has been going to daycare. I got really lucky and my friend (and Riley's best friend's Mommy) started a daycare. Riley already considered their house her second home and the two other one year old there most of the week are her friends. The first day Riley spent there I got a beautiful photo college of her first day with pictures of her finger painting, having snack and playing. It was a major adjustment after having her with me all day everyday especially through my last recovery.

I'm sure people without kids will roll their eyes at this admission after all it was one full week and than one day a week without my baby, but I cried alot at first. I'm so glad that I had her all the time as long as I did, but healing is serious business. Now that's she's been going for awhile I see all the benefits not just for me, but for her too. She learns so much being around other kids her own age, her manners are much better, she doesn't have to have Mommy to go down for a nap and she's happy to get out of the house on her own.

After the lunch at Isaac's school Riley and I went to her daycare to help prepare for their holiday party the following Monday. We made baby hand print wreaths for all the babies to give their parents as Christmas gifts. We made reindeer using a foot print as the face and a hand for each antler and even did a picture ornament for each parent to take home. Besides my undying love of arts and crafts it was an amazing day because I had purpose again. I was volunteering like my old self. I felt like a mom again instead of some lump on the couch for the first time in months.

I was inspired to take on a holiday project of my own, a gingerbread house. I printed a pattern from the Internet and made the dough from mix, but I still failed. My first batch I followed the cake directions instead of cookies by accident and the consistency was wrong. So we ate the gingerbread cake and tried again. The second time the dough was fine we cut all the pieces from the pattern and baked them, but the frosting wasn't gluey enough. I didn't realize it mattered so much and just bought generic decorating icing, but you really need royal icing the eggy consistency makes it stickier. Attempt number three made it farther than the other two, but once we got two walls to stand the other two would fall. In the end I declared "I'm a bake not an architect" and ate all the candy I bought to decorate with.

I did all of my shopping online this year because I'm not up to shopping in general let alone during the holidays. Mostly on Amazon and Ebay. Online shopping may eliminate driving parking and fighting crowds, but lacks the instant gratification and comes with shipping anxiety. I ordered something the day after Thanksgiving (11/26) and it's shipping window closed the 13th, but it hadn't arrived by the 18th. I emailed them twice and still nothing. After I asked them to cancel my order and refund me it showed up the next day.

Wrapping was a real trick this year. Go ahead wrap something especially a big box without bending your spine. Tricky stuff. I would wrap a few things and be in too much pain to do much for a few days and then start again. But it all got done somehow.

Tell Santa we're ready.

A Visit With Mr. Claus

Riley and her best friend visiting Santa 12/8/10

Lots to do...having been discharged a few days before Thanksgiving and successfully hosting the feast it was a high speed down hill race through a calender full of events.

The starting line of which being the Jingle Bell Run and our annual visit to Santa.

We all had some nice hot chilli, which perfect for such a cold drizzly night, in the company of friends. We got the babies dressed in their holiday outfits including sparkly Santa hats. Gave everyone a set of jingle bells and headed that way, late. By the time we got there they were shutting the line to see Santa down, but being one of his personal friends I was confident he'd see us. Which of course he did.

Last year Riley, 3mo old, had gazed at Santa with such affection. Not this year. She wailed from the moment we got near him even before I put her on his lap. The babies seemed to have a agreed we'd have no smiling picture with Santa this year. It's understandably intimidating to meet the man himself. Santa was very understanding.

Once the girls were seated in the wagon with their bells and best of all candy canes all was right with the world again. Smiley little elves ringing in December.

On a much less important note we missed the race entirely and were bound for home and bed without even picking up our shirts this year, but priorities...We saw Santa!

Hip! Hip! Surgery.

It finally happened! It was strange to go in with questions looming. Would he remove the hardware and my hip? Would I wake up feeling better or worse? I can say that no matter how difficult this surgery was at any given point it still beats the back surgery hands down. For starters I woke up in the recovery room, imagine that! I woke up and my vision was terribly blurred. After blinking repeatedly I touched my eyes and realized the problem was a slimy substance smeared on them. I politely asked the recovery nurse, Richard, for something to wipe them with. Once I could see I asked for ice chips and marveled at not waking up in horrible pain with a tube down my throat.

Once I had taken a moment with my glorious ice chips I inquired as to what exactly had happened. Richard told me I still had the hip I was born with, which seemed odd since I felt pretty good, but who knows how doped up I was. I was sad to leave my new friend, but anxious for answers when they moved me to a room. I never did see the doctor after it was over, but Mike told me the Ortho had opened me up to find the hardware loose! Funny since he was so worried about not being able to get it out.

Turns out when the bus hit me 7yrs ago it knocked the hardware loose. You can't see metal on an MRI (it's just glare) and X-rays are static images so there was no way to know without getting in there. All this time people were saying things about how my hip pain "was in a weird place", etc I guess the fact that it was emanating from the pins once used to hold my femur together explains that.

I was discharged from the hospital Saturday. While this admission was conspicuous lacking the daily 4am blood draws I did not escape the needles completely, in fact I may have had it worse this go round. I was prescribed blood thinner injections to be given in the stomach daily for 3weeks. Yuck-O! That hurt really bad. The poking hurts and there's an ensuing burning lasting sometimes in that neighborhood of 5minutes. After I'd been on them a few days I was cold all the time too. Apparently something like 50% of hip surgery patients get blood clots (the only joint with a higher rate is the knee).

When I finally did she that elusive Ortho a week later (the day after Thanksgiving) he said he was hopeful that loose hardware had been the cause of a significant amount of my pain. He said he examined my hip joint thoroughly and it was only mildly arthritic not dying like we thought. He wanted me to heal up and see where my pain level was before we decide when to replace the hip.

Cruising on Wheels with Babies

I was new to the whole cruise thing so a lot of things came as a surprise to me and traveling with a days away from being 8yr old and a 1yr old had it's own set of nuances. I found the ship super confusing. It was like the first week of college. There were three sets of elevators and if you took the wrong ones you simply couldn't get where you were going. Sometimes getting somewhere would mean taking one set of elevators up a floor to get to another set and then going down. Also like college a ton of people piled on to take the elevator even if they were only going one floor and none of them batted an eyelash at squeezing past the lady in the wheelchair with the kid in her lap. Jerks.

One of the places we went most was the kid area. Floor 17, the elevator farthest from our room. It was ages 3 and up so Isaac could hang out and play, but Riley was only allowed to go in if I stayed with her. Isaac won jumping contests, built roller coasters and competitively stacked cups among other fun goings on. He loved it up there. One of the child activities staff was his favorite "Kenny Ketchup" he wrote about him all over the vacation journal his teacher had assigned him. I had been banking on being able to take Riley to the pool during the day, but they didn't allow children under 3 in or even near the pools or splash pad. One day I tried to entertain her by the pool (which had a short wall surrounding it) by letting her splash in puddles on the deck. I was swiftly reprimanded.

She found ways to amuse herself mostly with pen and paper. This trip was all about drawing for her. She also played with the room phone, hid from her brother under the bed, opened and closed the tiny fridge and tried on our clothes. On the whole the staff was very accommodating. They provided a crib, took special food orders for the baby and brought highchairs. It was incredibly difficult to get Riley to take a nap if her brother was in the room. I spent a lot of time reading in the room while Riley slept and Mike ran around with Isaac. At night the seas tended to get rougher and once or twice the rocking knocked her crib against the wall and woke her up.

We also picked "late dining" so we could eat with the rest of the family, but it would be well past the baby's bedtime before we got served. If we ate early we'd miss seeing everyone and if we split up one person would be stuck in the room with the kids. I wouldn't bring a child under 3 on a cruise again. It wasn't much of a vacation for me because she had to be everywhere I was. Mike took the kids to Princess Cays for a day to the beach where Riley Finally got to swim. Mike's dad took Riley for a walk around the ship one morning, but other than that she was tiny shadow.

In general, despite the popularity with the septuagenarian set, cruise ships are not very wheelchair accessible. I grew up around sea faring vessels and I never encountered one that was, but this was my first time on a week long cruise. The hallways are super narrow and 2 or 3 times a day there would be cleaning carts in them. Crossing from one end of the ship to the other with the wheelchair and the baby in my lap or pushing the stroller was quite the chore. Aside from that the room was small so with the roll away cot the steward originally brought for Isaac I couldn't get around in the chair. We did have a spacious bathroom with accessible shower though.

The staff was very friendly about carrying things and moving chair for me, but overall I found getting around challenging and exhausting. Off the ship things were hit or miss. At some ports there was no way to get off in a wheelchair because they weren't pulling into a dock. They were ferrying people to and from the ships on tender boats. We decided to do an excursion to some Mayan ruins in Mexico and even though we were warned it wasn't "recommended for those with limited mobility" I was determined.

I hoofed it on crutches up the looooooooooong dock through the touristy drop off spot down another long dock and onto a little boat which took us from Cozumel to the mainland. The ride on that boat was one I wish I could forget, one word folks: Dramamine. I've never been seasick before but there's a first time for everything. We got off the little boat and onto a bus were we heard all about Mayan culture. When we got to the site we hired a "taxi" (a bicycle attached to a bench) to take us around. It really amazing. Tucked away in the trees there was a huge pyramid. I sat at the bottom and took pictures while Mike and Riley climbed to the top and back down again. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of life my daughter would lead having scaled a Mayan pyramid before the age of two. I hope there is always beauty and adventure for her.

I was understandably spent on the way back, but it was so worth it. We also got off in Honduras, but I used my wheelchair. I watched people zip cording through the trees and wondered what the rest of my life would hold now that that exact type adventure was out of my reach. Instead we went on the "magic beach chair" aka sky ride. It was gorgeous there, so green. Other than those to adventures I stuck to the ship.

It was good not to be home. It was nice to have some else in charge of cooking and cleaning. I was in no hurry to get back to reality and the hip surgery awaiting me. It was an adventure for sure, but by the end of the trip I was tired of our room. I was tired of rocking (which doesn't immediately stop when you get back on dry land) and tipping people. I'd seen enough out stretched hands to last me awhile. Alot of folks really earned their tips, but after awhile you start feeling like a human ATM, or is that just a bank teller?

Disembarkation was a serious undertaking. You had to have your bags packed and in the hallway by dinner time the night before. You were assigned a color and corresponding leaving the ship time. We got 8:30am and sure enough we were whisked away just like when the we got on. A very nice man helped us and our bags to the curb and Mike went for the car. It had been an entire week since we'd parked and after 10ish minutes my cell phone was ringing because he couldn't find it.

After that auspicious start we were off and limping. Actually loading the car was hardest part. The four hours home (plus time to stop for lunch) passed really quickly even though we finished our audio book on the way there. I think it always takes longer to get somewhere than to get home.

Hopefully this was the first of many vacations to come

Embarkation and Nuptials

Away we went...

It had not occurred to me that setting sail to Mexico would mean no Internet or cell phones for a week, but that's what Mike is for. He reminded me, by entering our cabin and immediately (like before the baby was unbuckled from her stroller) logging on to the Internet one last time. He turned the laptop towards me and said, "do you want to blog or anything before we leave?" Ha! Guilty. That's what I was doing in the last moments in port madly typing notes into my blog and saving rough drafts. Priorities...

On the topic of cell phones I did completely forgot to turn mine off and the first night a text reminding me to change my clocks cost me roaming charges, oops! It's too bad about roaming charges because it was a huge boat and we had a ton of family on board and it would have been easier to keep tabs on people with cell phones. I recommend walkie talkies. Although, scrawling down room numbers on a napkin to call people gave me warm fuzzy freshman year of college memories.

Overall that was the vibe for me. Small living quarters, lots of roommates, expensive "tuition", sprawling confusing "campus", dining hall style eating, visiting room to room, planned activities, party vibe and the cabin steward was pretty much an RA. Except for the sizable elderly population and having kids with me it was a lot like college.

The wedding (aka reason for the cruise) ended up being on the ship on the second day instead of on the beach in Mexico later in the week. The first night everyone met in this bar with a loungey feel before dinner where Riley blew kisses to the handsomest little baby boy. The next day the wedding was in the afternoon. I had my "sea legs" enough to do a decent job of makeup and hair. It felt good to get dolled up for the first time in oh...14mo. I hadn't realized until I saw photos that my beautiful charcoal dress reveled most of my brand new spine length scar (aka the zipper). I have the impulse to write "enough about me", but really it's nice to feel like me again and not just "Riley's Mom."

The wedding was in the ship's chapel it was decorated in white (white candles, white flowers, etc). It was an intimate room especially compared with the rest of the ship. The groom wore a white linen shirt with a white rose boutonniere. The bride who I've rarely seen in a dress looked stunning. It had beautiful sparkly embellishment under the bust line and she carried white roses. By far my favorite was her veil trimmed with sparkle, gorgeous. After a brief, entertaining and emotional ceremony we went to the piazza deck for pictures.

We took a brief intermission back to the room. The idea was for Riley to lay down but instead she discovered the room phone. We headed to the reception at a bar so exclusive it couldn't be found without a search party. There were plenty of drinks, laughter, cake and pictures, but no dancing. We had a really good time...some more than others.

The rest of the cruise was their honeymoon. Sigh...

Getting to the Ship

I've said it before and I'll say it again I hate packing! But with the right help it can quite entertaining...

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I packed a family of 4 for a one week trip (including formal wear and baby stuff) in 1 suitcase and 1 backpack. Pretty impressive, I think. I'd never been on a cruise before so it was all new to me. We had to get to Fort Lauderdale (4hr drive) to get on the boat. I knew 4hrs in the car was not going to happen with my back still healing so we decided to stop 1/2 way in Naples and drive the other 2hrs in the morning.


First of all with the stroller, the wheelchair, suitcase, backpack, jackets, entertainment for the drive, two kids and two adults it was a little crowded in the car. Second the "pillow" someone handed me as I was going out the door was only slightly larger than a postage stamp. We bought "The Sphere" audio book for entertainment which was surprisingly engaging. I switched the pillow between my low back and hip trying to take the pressure off, but a full day getting ready to go and 2hrs in the car did me in. We got to the hotel around 10:30pm at which point my breathing was shallow from the pain and Riley promptly woke right up.

I promptly got flat on the bed, but Riley ran the length of the room 3 or 4 times opening and closing the empty cabinets while squealing with glee. She loved the tiny fridge that was just her size! It was like Disney World, so many new and different things to discover. It was a different experience for the adults. I had to share my bed with the baby and Mike had to immediately get back to work. Between everyone being in the same room, the light, the computer and mommy in the bed with her Riley did not want to sleep.

We were up at 7am thanks to our tiny human alarm clock. Riley decided to write some notes about the trip like mommy was and walked around the room with the hotel pad and pen scribbling away. She also found the plastic cup to be fascinating (I really don't know why I packed toys). After continental breakfast we hit the road again. It was more fun this leg of the trip freshly rested, Mike's work behind him and knowing when we got out of the car we'd have reached our destination.

We arrived just before noon and sat in traffic reminiscent of my LA days pondering the various we have the right to search your vehicle signs all around the pier. We muddled through unloading the car, the stroller, the wheelchair and the kids. We happened to run into the people loading checked luggage who took pity on our ridiculous attempt to carry our all of our belongs and checked out bags right there. We headed into a winding theme park like line a lot lighter and started getting excited. Especially Isaac who heard from one of the disembarking passengers that there was a free unlimited ice cream bar. We were only in the line about 10mins before a nice gentleman whisked us through the crowd to the wheel chair line just like at Disney.

Ready, Set, Cruise!!

Punked!

The last thing I wanted was another urgent "come in right away" phone call. We're getting down to the wire to go on this cruise and I've been jerked around more than a little bit by the Ortho this month. I pried, but the girl calling didn't know anything except the hospital had called and he needed to see me right away.

I had a complete meltdown at this point because regardless of what was coming it couldn't be good news. I took moral support to the appointment. Ortho came in himself and looking more awkward and nervous than usual announced "We have a problem."

Despite the fact that the surgery was now scheduled for the 4th time the hospital had just decided my custom hip was far too expensive. Apparently, a one of a kind titanium hip runs about $15,000 and the hospital is supposed to buy it and get reimbursed partially by insurance and they just decided it wasn't worth it.

As I sat there stunned and hyperventilating the Ortho's cell phone rings. I thought if this ass answers his phone for an excuse to leave the room after a bomb like that! He checked the caller id and announced "speak of the devil" and answered it. After several minutes of discussion which included "she's right in front of me", "I was just informing the patient" and "so, it's ok?" he put the hospital administrator and speaker phone. "It's ok. Just try to do the bare minimum."

That little number cruncher had no idea that in my case a $15,000 hip is the bare minimum. Crisis averted.

Your Nervous System and You

Pain is like an onion besides the fact that it stinks and makes you cry having it effects your relationships with others. I feel that the true nature of consistent pain's influence is misunderstood. Hollywood as usual does us a disservice here misleading those lucky enough to be inexperienced with pain. I believed based on movies that if someone had a heart attack they would turn blue, clutch their chest and fall to the floor. When my father had his, his face went pale his voice was a little strained and he repeated over and over "my arm really hurts. I think I have indigestion." The truth is most physical pain is suffered much more quietly and alone than in the movies. Beyond the simple fact that no one can feel what you are feeling it is incredibly difficult to communicate what pain feels like eloquently.

I am in pain. I have been every day for the last 7ish years (since the bus hit me). I do not like pain medicine and the thought of laying in bed all day or complaining all the time is depressing. It's been there everyday all day for years. It's like a TV tuned to static sometimes it's easy to ignore and sometimes it's all consuming. Sometimes you're distracted enough that the buzzing in the background is tolerable. Sometimes it overrides your will to function and you want to throw a brick at the piece of junk making your life unbearable.
I spent my childhood having surgeries and subsequently being doped up. I hate it. I hate that I'm not in control of my own body drugged. The pain causes that feeling without pain medicine on top of it. I hate the disorientation. I had the headaches and vomiting that always accompany being medicated.
Pain is vulnerability. Why would I wear it on my sleeve? Why would I show anyone how much it hurts? There is nothing to be gained. I choose large doses of denial, adrenaline surges and sheer (sometimes self destructive) determination.
I hate my body for being so susceptible to injury, pain and degeneration. I want to get through a day without having to lay down, cry, take deep breaths or pay for it with days with the complete inability to function. I hate that I've missed out on so much and even more that the kids have because of this.
I have done all I can do. I have submitted to 2 or more major operations after a lifetime of enduring them, I have admitted I need and asked for help (not easy), I have allowed myself physical limitations and remained a functioning, if barley, human being. All in the name of lessening the pain.
So, when you see me smiling and sitting up right don't think I'm cured. Of course you forget I'm in pain I am using all the will power I can muster to try to forget myself. I don't want it tattooed on my forehead. It looks strange form the outside that I show up to some functions and not others, but that is the nature of pain. Some days are far worse than others and especially when I push through for a while. I get tired. There is no greater drain on energy reserves than functioning through pain.
Patience folks I continue doing my best.

This is Halloween

Note the Cheshire Cat Pumpkin (:

Little Miss Tinkerbell

Back...to the Future!

I had originally planned to use Riley's red birthday dress and sew a hood for her to be "Riley Red Ridding Hood." I had also intended not to dress up this year. Long Sigh...Parenthood and Plans are not so friendly with each other.

I had thought sewing a 12month size cape would be a "simple" project. Funny because I still have no idea how to use the sewing machine and decided after major back surgery would be a good time to learn. In the end I couldn't muster the time or energy despite buying a pattern and beyond that I realized at Riley's one year photo session that her party dress was getting awful short. A trip to Target later Riley and I both had a costume. She would be Tinkerbell and I would be Alice.

Not everyone's costume deviated from the plan however, Isaac's costume came out perfect. He requested a "Marty McFly from Back to the Future costume" way back in August. For those of you who remember the Ghostbuster costume we made for him two years ago I promise he comes up with stuff on his own I don't tell him to be characters from 80's movies. I thought it was a great idea and pretty straight forward. He had jeans, a t-shirt, and a button up shirt. I had a smallish jean jacket so all we needed was the orange vest. I scoured the Internet for one and after losing two auctions on Ebay I sunk 30ish bucks into a shiny new one from the Gap. I figure he can wear it after Halloween, pass it on to Riley and I may be able to wear it as well. The orange vest is kind of the lynch pin of Marty McFly's attire. Without he would have been a kid wearing layers.

I had been toying with notion of dressing as Alice from "Alice in Wonderland", but Internet searches had proved discouraging. Adult costumes for woman are so slutty! I wasn't going to trick-or-treat with my kids looking like a stripper. Anything with more class was super expensive for example the one I loved on Etsy was $70. Now to leap from not buying a costume at all to spending $70 was something I wasn't willing to do. I settled for a children's large size Alice from Target. It was inaccurate and not very well made, but I was not going to be mistaken for a hooker. There was one snag, I got home and tried it on and it was pretty darn short. Not a big deal if your walking, but I was going out in the wheelchair...I almost scraped the whole idea but got some stripey tights and sucked it up (trick or treating with a one year was going to be more of a sprint than a marathon anyway).

In years past Mike and I had mucked things up trying to trick or trick in my childhood neighborhood, his childhood neighborhood and the one we currently live in. Holidays are so complicated when you're a parent (throw in a set of divorced parents each on top of that). Of course Halloween is nothing compared to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Reconciling our warm fuzzy childhood memories with each other and splitting time between grandparents now that all of them live here is a major complication. We were fortunate to grow up in prime trick or treating areas. This year I decided I'd dress the kids and myself and (with assistance because I'm not that healed yet) drop by my old neighborhood earlier in the evening figuring it would give family and friends a chance to say hi and if Riley pooped out Mike would be fresh to take Isaac out for round two.

It went well except that as we pulled up in front of my childhood home I spotted a 10yr old wearing the exact same Alice costume, so embarrassing. Yes, I let the one year old have candy, but that wasn't my original intention. She was holding her own cute little candy bucket and while we were making the rounds I discovered she had pulled out a piece of chocolate and bitten through the wrapper! I traded her the drooly chocolate for a lollipop while she was riding in my lap. Shug, it's Halloween. Both kids sailing on a respectable sugar high made it through my old neighborhood, stopped home and went through our neighborhood with Mike. After that leg of begging door to door for candy was over Isaac made his annual trip to a nearby haunted house where he calmed older girls by assuring them he would protect them and hold their hands.

Wean-ed, Sleep-ing

Gratitude and peace fill me when I think of how far we've come. We really did it. I breastfed my baby for 13mo through major back surgery. Then I weaned her and got her to sleep in her crib again after upsetting the routine for months. Phew!

What a sad, strange kind of relief. My baby is a toddler who will never need me the way she did when she was a newborn. Taking care of Riley helped me through one the worst times in my life and keeping her close was a necessity, but now that's done. She drinks cow's milk from her sippy, cuddles Mommy in stolen moments between busy play and sleeps in her own bed.

I'm so proud of the independent little girl she's becoming, but I still miss my baby. I have loved every moment of our time together breastfeeding and I am loving every wonderful enlightening moment of toddlerhood.

As far as weaning and independent sleeping the only advice I have is commit to or wait until you're ready.

Well, That Was Easier Than I Thought

I didn't nurse Riley yesterday at all. I was super nervous about putting Riley to bed. I had asked Mike to put her down, but as usual there was a work crisis as soon as dinner was over.

I gave her a bath, put her pajamas on and instead of sitting in the rocker reading a book and nursing I put her directly in the crib (like I do for naps) and read a book there. When the book was done she just laid down. It was like "Ok, Mom I know the drill." I turned off the light and turned on the music. I rubbed her back for 2min and even though she was still awake when I left the room she barely even fussed for a second.

I don't know why I'm always so shocked when the plan works. Now all I have to do is stay the course. I can't believe it's over...

I am completely shocked it went so well and also at my lack of emotion. I mean I'm thrilled and proud and sad and afraid to believe it's true, but I shed actual tears the first time after my surgery she went to sleep at night in her own crib without tears. I think I'm still a little stunned and afraid to jinx it.

False Alarm

We are in the final stage weaning. We decided I would continue to nurse only right before bed until Sunday. I'm already starting to feel (and enjoy) my freedom a bit. I can get dressed any way I choose without worrying about easy access. I can wear my hair down. If I'm in pain (with a little preparation) I can take something.

Well, on that note I got my first bit of good news the other day. I have been having trouble with abnormal cervical cells for years now. Level 5 is cancer and my abnormal cells have remained consistently at level 4 since they were discovered. After countless tests and biopsies and being assured the next text would be normal for 4yrs and nothing ever changing they're gone. That's it. I'm back to normal.

I was also told there were signs of an infection brewing, but as I was asymptomatic at the time I put it right out of my head. Today I didn't feel well so I took something without even a passing thought. As soon as I'd done it I panicked. What if this wasn't breastfeeding safe? Could it be that I'd been so careful not to jeopardize breastfeeding through major back surgery and then I screwed it up now in the last days? How could I be so thoughtless?!?

Internet research told me that this was a class C drug (not safe while pregnant) with a half life of 30hrs so it would be in my system when I was ready to nurse the baby tonight for sure. I was so bummed. Mike insinuated that maybe I did it because I was subconsciously ready to be done. I don't think so. I really just didn't think about it and even though I was planning to be done breastfeeding in 48hrs I wanted the option.

In my heightened emotional state I vented to my online mommy group. Good thing. Many of the other mommies had been on the same medicine while breastfeeding with no problem. One of them referred me to the Jack Newman site. Which is an awesome resource and I'm sorry I found it so late in the game. It assured me that the drug was perfectly safe. I also remember the LeLeche League woman I had emailed with when I had to do the test with the contrast die. She amazingly responded within the hour even though it was a Saturday and told me that:
"According to Dr. Hale’s 2006 edition of Medications and Mother’s Milk, it is listed as an L2 for breastfeeding, meaning it has been studied in a limited number of breastfeeding mothers without adverse effects in the infant. It is listed by the AAP as “usually compatible with breastfeeding”. Given the age, weight, and frequency of breastfeeding of your toddler, there is no apparent indication to not breastfeed."

Phew! So be resourceful, but use the internet wisely. Drug information isn't written with breastfeeding in mind. I'm so glad I had one more night to cuddle and nurse my baby before bed.

Everywhere is Disney World When You're One...

It's not always wonderful being one, but there's a lot of magic. Everything is new and adventure and excitement is quite literally everywhere.

I took Riley to the playground the other day. She'd been to the playground lots of times when she was tiny, but this was the first time she could make use of more than the baby swing. Even though she hadn't yet discovered all the wonders of the playground she laughed with glee as she toddled from the car to the play area. What a glorious place! There was grass and trees! Big kids and doggies! A lake and ducks! Oh, wow. She bounced on the horsey and in true Riley fashion insisted on getting down to examine them from the ground very carefully. She climbed the steps with very little assistance and after one tandem go at it was an old pro sliding in to Mommy's arms. She loved the whole experience. She was estatic from beginning to end. "What an awesome place. Mommy! What's next? Oh boy! Snack!"

It doesn't even have to be an event like a trip to the playground. We try (when I'm feeling up to it) to take a walk every day. It's a grand adventure. We get in the vehicle of choice, stroller or Dora car, which to Riley is as grand as a sedan chair, saddled elephant or magic carpet. Sometimes we exit through secret passages, the side door. Out into the unexplored wilderness, the yard. We take a jungle path, the sidewalk. Always stopping to admire the wildlife, doggies and kitties. We also like the flowers and trees and all the strange decorations, we love pumpkins and spiders. We listen to the rushing traffic sounds, and watch our shadows on the ground. It's never the same or boring and she's always excited to go because everywhere is Disney when you're one.

The (Proposed) Timeline

First there's Halloween and make no mistake it's a really big deal in this house. Everyone has a costume, picks a pumpkin and trick or treats here. Phew, I won't be post-op for that, but wait treat or tricking will be short lived between my pain and Riley's mobility/tolerance. Huh..um...At least I'll have candy to drown my stresses in.

Then we have Mike's cousin's wedding on a week long cruise to Mexico the following weekend. I am in dire need of a vacation and completely relieved the surgery didn't mean we couldn't go. I was so afraid there would be nothing to look forward to but more surgery. That being said the logistics of a very large boat, lots of pain, a fearless toddler, etc are starting to dawn on (and scare me).

As soon we get back (within 48hrs) Isaac turns 8. I hope I'm not the only one who feels old thinking about that. Anyone who's been to one of our birthday parties knows we like to do it up. Isaac requested a "Back to the Future" theme this year. Mike and I had loads of ideas and once upon a time before many surgery reschedules it was going to be in our very own back yard. No back yard, no time, no idea what we're going to do. In light of his sister's bash last month I feel the need to make it special, but how..

Three days (Yup 72hrs) after that I am supposed to FINALLY have this hip replacement. Just in time to be fresh from surgery for the holidays. We decided to have Thanksgiving here. I just felt like I needed something familiar. Something to look forward to. It's always rough to keep the weight on post op so this will help. I've been lonely and alienated too long.

Then there will be Christmas. How am I going to shop? Better start now I guess.
Dearest Santa,
I would love the pain to stop. The procedure to be complete on the 18th and my recovery to be well on it's way by the time you visit. Also, a break would be lovely.
Love your former elf.

After January 1st we're supposed to finally move into a house that fits us better. Beyond that there's the very real possibility of more surgery. I hope it's all done on the 18th, but I don't have alot of faith as everything connected to relieving my pain has dragged out so much.

Holy, full plate, Batman.

In the Wake

More than upset, devastated with disappointment, appalled at the sacrifices made for nothing, worn thin and raw by pain, loopy and snarling from fatigue and at a loss for what to do now. How do I keep functioning? I was only supposed to have to hold on a few weeks and now it's been over two months. Back spasms, swelling everywhere, nerve compression and some (can you blame me?) depression.

Bright side? I concede weaning never would have worked out with original date. More time to get the baby's sleeping sorted out was useful. We can probably go on the cruise (Mike's cousin's wedding) without worrying about blood thinners causing complications and post operative infection. That's all I've got. I think I should get points for trying, though.

My mom joked for days that if we made plans to go to the beach Thursday then the surgery would actually happen this time. I decided I had to get out of the house so I decided we'd go to the beach on Wednesday. I enlisted my mom and Mike's sister to help me bring the baby to the beach. I'm not a big beach person. Bad balance makes sand and waves less than friendly. I haven't been to the beach since my spinal fusion. I didn't want Riley miss out on the experience because it so difficult for me so I figured three adults to one toddler sounded doable.

When we parked Mike's sister pointed out the sign that said "ask about our complimentary beach wheelchair." It was a huge ancient clunker of a thing that obviously hadn't been used in a while. It was greasy all over the frame and not terribly comfortable, but it did the job.



We found a spot and slathered the baby with sunscreen. I don't know what I expected it to be like. Sitting unsupported on the towel was kind of painful and once I was down I was stuck. Somehow I thought my mom would sit on the towel and Lara and I would take Riley to the water. It turned out 90% of the time my mom was holding Riley's hand and following her lead and sometimes mom and Lara walked with her. I watched uncomfortable and off balance on the towel trying to zoom in enough to take pictures.

Don't get me wrong the weather was lovely and Riley was having the time of her life. It wasn't a bad day. I just didn't expect my sadness over the surgery stuff to be replaced by a different kind of sadness. Why can't I take my daughter to the beach? Why can't I despite all my determination conquer the beach? Beyond that it's already so difficult to keep up with her. Even if I have the surgery and it helps the pain and I'm back to my old self my old self had limitations. I don't want her to miss out on experiences because of me, but I don't want her to do everything without me either.

I know it sounds selfish and terrible, but I want to show her all the new experiences in life whether I'm physically able to or not. It is not the same to just be there.

I realized late in the afternoon that I'd forgotten to put the chili in the crock pot before I left that morning. That made me feel like an even more inadequate mother. When I called home to tell Mike I forgot he said "no you didn't" What a sweetie! Go team. Sometimes it's good to remember you're not alone.

At the risk of going off on a tangent I want to address something: pain pills. Contrary to popular belief breastfeeding was not the only reason I was only taking extra strength Tylenol. I am a tiny person who spent most of my childhood having surgeries and being doped up. I don't enjoy the feeling. I have a VERY sensitive stomach and the times that I've taken pain pills as an adult I spent the whole day throwing up or with a splitting migraine. I can't take care of my baby on pain pills (or feel human). That said I am looking into some muscle relaxers now that weaning is almost done, but like everything else when you're a parent I have to have a meeting and plan ahead if I take one. If you exist in a state of tension and pain and that relaxes temporarily you go to sleep.

I am doing the best I can.

Strike Three!!

This is the third postponement for my hip surgery. It was supposed to be Sept 30th and then Oct 14th and then Oct 21st and now they "can't give me a date."

I just keep telling myself killing him isn't worth it, but I'm not very convincing. How in God's name does this jackass have patients? Are they all held hostage to him by crappy insurance? I'm so angry.

Before you even think it, I tried to switch doctors the first time around. At least with the back surgery he was apologetic about postponing twice. I have no recourse if I complain I piss off the only guy in town who can fix my hip. If I say forget it the hip dies and slowly poisons me.

I really feel like he's avoiding me this time. Don't I deserve to feel better? Why is no one accounting for the upheaval in my life this caused? What now...

Sleep and Pumpkins

We are going on the 3rd night in a row of Riley sleeping through the night. HURRAY!!! I've started dreaming again it had been such a long time since I'm dreamt. Sleeping is super swell.

I got Riley all dressed up in her TinkerBell costume and took her to the pumpkin patch. The cuteness was staggering. We met some mommies and babies and had a picnic next to the pumpkins. Riley and I are so lucky to have such good friends. It was an awesome day.

Surgery Postponed Aaaagain....

His office called at 9am this morning and said "He's on call for trauma tonight and he doesn't want to operate in the morning."

I said "Well can I stay on the schedule and if he doesn't have any traumas he can still operate?"
"No. He doesn't want to do that."
"Ok...what now?"
"We'll schedule you for next Thursday."
"Are you sure?"
"Next Thursday."
"Bye." Choking on large sobs.

Dump Trucks, Nap naps and Night nights

Today was the first day I had to put Riley down for a nap myself without nursing her. We had a normal morning, a relatively calm first nap experience and afternoon. I was dreading putting her down without nursing.

I wished the clock would stop ticking. When the time came you would have thought I was having a route canal without anesthesia. I anticipated world class melt down. I wasn't sure how to handle things now that we'd established the nurse, rock and read go to crib read and then nap routine. I was overthinking it.

In the moment I just hoisted her right into the crib read her a book rubbed her back for a minute or so and walked out. She didn't even cry for a full minute it was amazing.

Riley got a hand-me-down dump truck from Mike's co-worker today. She walked (yes walked) all over the living room pushing it and saying "ssssssssssss." I told her trucks say "Vroom", but she shook her head at me. I think she thinks everything makes a whooshing flying sound. Silly girl.

Emboldened by our nap time triumph I decided she wasn't getting any attention overnight at all. I didn't come to this decision lightly or quickly. We tried only offering water after midnight and than only going in every other time, etc It was just time. I got through the baby's bedtime routine. I gave her extra kisses and hugs. Then I steeled myself up for a long night. It was so emotional, but she didn't cry for more than 5min before herself back to sleep at any point all night. In the morning I was aglow with accomplishment and aching with engorgement.

Lose some, lose some

So, the whole morning off plan completely failed which at this point is not entirely surprising. I was horribly disappointed and proceeded to have a complete psychotic breakdown. Very unbecoming for a mother (or a human being) and not my usual reaction to severe stress.

I couldn't bear the fatique, pain, stress of the suregery postponement, weaning, sleep training and the repeated disappointment of not being able to sleep a little extra on Sundays. Oh, well. So after things had calmed down and the day was proceeding relatively normally I had Mike put Riley down for her nap. She went down for nap with minimal fussing. Another feeding down. In my head I'm singing "Another One Bites the Dust" Now it's just`first nap and bedtime. We're getting there.

All in a Day's Work

Riley in a Box Walking with Dora Backpack:

De-railed?!?

Last night was horrendous! She was up every hour. She went down easy at 8:20p and got up at 11, 12:45, 2, 3:20, 4:50, 6. I'm taking notes during our 10day plan. Night one went so well and then last night was horrible.

Mike pointed out that kids are always making progress and then regressing. I started wondering if Riley was missing nursing during the day so much she was getting up every hour because she knows I nurse her at night. I started letting her nurse every other time by the 3rd time. It was a victory in that Mike and I worked as a team and did not give up and bring her to our bed.

I was very tired by the time her first nap rolled around and anxious that she wouldn't go down and everything would get increasingly difficult all day. She went down rubbing her eyes at 9:02 and screamed for 30min. I changed her, nursed her and rocked her and put her back down. She slept 9:40-11:08 which is pretty respectable.

By second nap I was running on fumes. I tried to put her down at her usual 1:30 and she cried off and on until 1:58. I was so relieved when she fell asleep, but it only lasted 30min. According to the book anything under an hour doesn't count. I went in and rocked and nursed her and put her back in the crib. I stood next to the crib stroking her hair for 10min. Nothing worked. I gave up. At this point I felt like a failure and was completely homicidal because of sleep deprivation and frustration. I kept thinking if I have to disconnect the doorbell and make the boys spend the day in a tent in the yard to get a descent nap out of this baby, so help me...At that point Mike asked me if I was "giving up" on Riley's nap and I burst into tears and told him I needed a break.

I went into the bedroom and shut the door and cried myself to sleep. I laid there crying about what a miserable failure I was and how Riley would never sleep through the night again and all the while I worried Mike would forget to give Riley a snack or to read with Isaac. When I woke up 2hrs later poor Mike was juggling both kids and a work call. I opened the door and heard him said "Oh, good she's awake!"

Everything got done in my absence and although I continue to be hard on myself at least my resolve to stick it out with the plan was back.

Reflections on Word Choices

I find myself sitting at the keyboard pondering the silence. Both kids are asleep and it's 9pm. It's particularly great because there's nothing that has to be done. I can just sit and reflect on the day or my own thoughts (I'll have to re-introduce myself). When I took Riley for a walk today I was thinking about the latest politically correct term "differently abled." It was the walk that prompted this since I use one crutch and push her in her Dora car with the other:

So, as we make our way down the block I wonder if there are other mother's who have used this toy this way and I remember there was a pamphlet at ToysRUs to instruct in picking out toys for the "differently abled." Let me first say I think this is a marvelous idea not that anyone ever bought me a jump rope as a kid, but not all disabilities (or different ablements?) are physical.

Which brings me at long last to my point, I'm not sure how I feel about "differently abled." It pretty much says nothing. Isn't every human being differently abled than the next? Maybe they figure if it says nothing it can offend no one. What happened to disabled? That's the term I use most often. Which got me thinking...you disable a speaker or a router. Does disable mean something that had function and has now lost it? As apposed to unable which implies never having had an ability? I mean you can't be unabled besides being improper English there's no parking for that.

I know it went out of fashion when I was a kid, but want happened to handicapped? It sounds so cheerful. Aside from it's association with golf I see nothing wrong with it. It does lack some seriousness. I guess it's all subjective and as a minority I suppose we all agree "lame" or "gimps" doesn't have any appeal. Are they just going to keep re-doing the little blue signs? Handicapped Parking to Disabled Parking makes sense more concise fits better on the sign, but Differently Abled Parking is quite a mouth full.

Good Sleeps, Less Moo

Today was "Day One" of our sleeping and weaning plan. We put it in writting and discussed and committed as a team, yesterday. It involes keeping to a flexible schedule, earlier bedtime, lots of snacks and distractions instead of nursing, and sleeping only in the crib.

She slept well last night. She went to bed at 8:20p and woke up at 11p for 5min and 3a for 30min. I was able to get into her room before she stirred at 7:30a. It was super encouraging. I changed her and brought her right to the highcahir because I am only nursing before naps and bedtimes. We did rock, nurse and read before she went down for her 9:30a nap with sleep music playing. She cried for 30min. When I went in to check on her she had a big poopy diaper. She was back asleep by 10:10am. I heard a fuss and 10:50, but she put herself back to sleep (hurray). She woke up at 11:30.

After snack, play, lunch, and more play it's nap time again. This time we nursed and rocked and read a book and then I put her in the crib and read another one. I really want to break the negative association with crib and the nursing/falling asleep association as well and this seemed like a simple way to do it. She slept 1:10-2:40 and woke up making happy sounds! I've been waiting for the day when she would stop screaming to signal she was awake.

She was thrilled about her bedtime routine tonight. I suggested daddy give her bath after dinner since her earlier bedtime ate into his quality time. When she got out of the highchair she went right to the bathroom and yelled "BATH!" After bath we nursed and rocked, but she decided she was done and pointed to the crib I laid her down and stroked her hair for less than a minute and she was out. Not a single tear. Amazing.

What's the Rush?!?

Mike wanted Riley to start solids at 2mo old so this kind of thing is nothing new. He insisted at 9mo she "needed" her own Legos. I went with it and got her the baby version. He's been pushing to give her a computer, but I keep saying it's too early (and a space issue, but isn't everything in this house). This weekend he insisted she was ready for a bed. He was ready to disasemble the crib and throw a mattress on the floor for her.

I must stop typing and breathe deeply.

I explained all the reasons why with her sleep issues right now it's a terrible plan. As I suspected it's what he did the first time around. I told him that made sense as Isaac never slept with him. He slept well in the crib and probably transitioned easily to a bed. I know if I were a single parent with a good sleeper I'd probably opt for the plan that bought me a little more sleep in the morning. Riley however is another story she would never sleep if she had the choice right now. Plus Mommy is not ready for her only baby to have a big girl bed.

So, reigh in those horses, Daddy. We'll get there soon enough.

Wean-er

I found The Nursing Mother's Companion: Revised Edition second hand at a consignment store and kept it next to the rocker in Riley's room for a year. It was a good resource. Very "yay breastfeeding" and all that. I decided to see what information it offered on weaning. It basically said buy our other book, but I should have known it would be a mistake because even that sounded pushy and judgemental.

It's called The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning, Revised Edition. Please feel free to click the link and "look inside" so you know I'm not exaggerating. This book really, really pushed to continue breastfeeding to the age of 4. Ok, fine if I were going to do that I might need the support of a book that validates that choice (Which should be a guide to extended nursing not weaning), but it's a weaning book shouldn't it at least be understanding if not encouraging about weaning? I was given lots of historical data on the physical and emotional damage weaning has done through the ages right off the bat. I had to put the book down several times and collect myself. When I turned to the appropriate chapter for weaning my one to two year old I was barraged with questions insinuating I was probably doing this for all the wrong reasons or wasn't really "ready." It was kind of awful.

I started to feel sick reading about all the bad things that could happen. When I got to the "useful" part it was alot of what I'd read else where, but it wasn't presented in a hopeful way. Here's an example: "Weaning an avid nurser by distraction requires a lot of diligence. You can't let your child see you undressed. You may have to avoid cradling your child in your arms, or even sitting or laying down in her presence. You may have to stay away from your favorite nursing places, such as the bed or couch, and doing things that prompted nursing before, like talking on the phone." Uh, yeah right. I just never sit down or hold my baby again, perfect.

What am I supposed to take away from this? It felt like they were saying "it's almost impossible so just breastfeed and hope your baby losses interest before college." Now I'm being ridiculous, but I felt more frustrated instead of less after reading this book. Where is the non-judgemental, this is a hard decision but you can do it book for the educated mother who just wants to feel a little more informed? For all the reasons I loved the sleep book I just read I hated this one. I'm glad I got it at the library I can't wait to give it back! GRRRRR....

De-Lay

As I was running around headless chicken style today at 4:00pm the day before the surgery I got a phone call. The caller id revealed it was the Ortho's office All the air left my lungs Barely audibly "hello?!?" Scheduling girl "Hey Katie. (exhale) So, you know what this is about. We have to reschedule." I resist the urge to make sound as I am not sure whether a laugh or a sob will escape. Secheduling girl "Dr. has the flu. He couldn't even make it through the day today. He left early. He wants to be at his best so...Well, um...we'd just reschedule you to next week, but his PA is on vacation then so it's gonna be Oct 14th. Ok?" At this point I have gone completely numb and do not remember responding, but I must have because she hung up.

Sleep Solution?

Riley was acting tired earlier than I normally put her down this morning. I remembered reading in The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night that alot of times we miss the ideal window of opportunity for sleep and try to put the baby down when they're too tired. She advises to watch for signs the baby's ready for sleep and put them down regardless of schedule. I did exactly that at 9:30am instead of her usual 10:30 or 11. I still nursed, rocked and read to her. She wasn't too happy about this for about 2min and then she was out.

She slept her full 2hrs, not the hour I've been consistently getting since we moved her back to the crib, and when she woke up she didn't cry. She went "Aah?" and a cheerful mommy leapt through the door to cover her good girl in kisses. Riley was so overwhelmed by my overly affectionate greeting she cried briefly, which made me laugh.

She was in a fantastic mood and played happily until about 1:00pm when I started noticing eye rubbing, ear tugging and fussiness. She slept an hour and a half and again woke up without whimpering and spent the rest of the day playing happily.

It only occurred to me later that she had started her new earlier bedtime last night, 8pm. That was another suggestion from the book. Maybe moving up bedtime re-set her naps. She woke twice in the night briefly, but slept in the crib from 8pm-6am. Whatever it was I am so grateful for such a wonderful day!

I fully expect the unexpected now as days as glorious as this can't happen every day.

PS: The following day Riley refused to nap at anytime all day more than 15min, I blame karmic balance for the shift. I still think we're on the right track.

Last Chance for Date Night

With my surgery looming tonight was our last chance for a date before Thursday. We lined up a sitter (thanks Mom) and started looking for something to do. I've rarely left the house since the surgery and only without the baby 2 or 3 times for doctors appointments as far as out alone with Mike that would be a big old once. Needless to say I'm a little out of touch so all the movies I wanted to see had already left theaters. I was hellbent on a comedy for obvious reasons, but most of the movies that are out are geared toward 14yr old girls.

I was bemoaning the loss of the dollar movies who surely would have still, been running some "older" films, honestly it's ridiculous how quickly movies pass through theaters now, when Mike found a place a half an hour away still running our first choice Dinner for Schmucks. As long as we were driving the half an hour Mike knew a BBQ place he wanted to re-patronize.

We left while Riley was still napping. I was ok with that because of all the sleep problems lately, but the longer I sat in the driveway while Mike made trips back and forth for things he'd forgotten the more anxious I got. I found out later the last time he shut the door it woke the baby. The drive went quickly and the place looked ordinary enough. It had an old fashion one man box office out front and a marque from before the digital age. A hand written sign told us to purchase tickets inside.

We were greeted warmly by an older black man in jeans and a t-shirt behind the concession stand who confirmed what at least 20 hand written signs had foretold "cash only". Gee, remember when cash was the only choice at all the movie theaters? They had an ATM so we proceeded to purchase tickets and snacks in one transaction which he rang up on a non-digital cash register. We got a large drink which he informed us was free refills and then proceeded to tell us chuckling "well, I guess they're not really free since you already paid for them." When I asked for gummi bears he said "well, (still chuckling) they're not really gummi bears. That's a brand you know. These are Care Bears...well it does say gummi bears on there too. They should sue. I would." The whole transaction 2 tickets ($3 a piece), a large soda, and two kinds of candy was $20. That takes me back.

We proceeded to the ticket taker who wasn't quite the inviting presence the other man had been. Mike later compared him to Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was slight of build and off-putting for sure. But when he spoke out came this high pitched, feminine almost southern sounding voice sincerely hoping we would enjoy the show. Still laughing inwardly we walked into the theater all avocado green and metal seats. The way I remember theaters before stadium seating. It was a Sunday so we were 2 out of maybe 7 people there. I was 3x more excited than I had been before we got there.

The movie was really funny and weird. A total plus in our book. Steve Carell plays an accountant's whose hobby is making really elaborate scenes with taxidermied mice. It was good stuff. I called home and to my surprise Riley was playing blissfully. When I say to my surprise I mean I was surprised at how that made me feel. It's completely expected for her to be happy, but the idea that it would make me sad that was strange. Dinner was at a restaurant that used to be a big old house and now you eat ribs on the porch. The waiter was very nice. We ordered and then I heard the door slam behind me assuming it was rolls I didn't even look. It was our dinner. It could not have more than 5min no exaggeration. He set it down laughing and said "I tell ya I just don't know what takes them so long back there."

After dinner we headed home and the baby was sleeping soundly much to our disappointment as by now cuddle withdrawal was in full swing. Again, I was thrilled that she was sleeping well, but sad not to be needed to make that happen. That is the ambivalence that keeps cropping up for me in my quest to gain some separation.

We only had to wait about an hour and a half for some cuddle time (:

Pre-operative Discussions

The last time I saw my Ortho, which feels like years ago after the relentless marathon of tests and appointments before my last surgery, he informed me that we may have to do this in stages. (Deep sigh) Considering we were ready-set-go on replacing my hip back in May I feel like there shouldn't have been any surprises. Wrong-O. I remember being told the hardware that's already in my hip "complicates" things. Now he was saying that it was possible perhaps even likely that he would have to remove the hardware in one procedure and replace my hip in another two months later.

(No air left in the room feeling)

I was instructed to get the report from the surgery were the hardware was "installed" so that he could better assess the necessity of staging the procedure. A dozen phone calls, a release form, a typo on my part causing mail to misroute and some persistence later the Ortho got all 44 pages of my surgical history from 3-18yrs. The next day I met with the physicians assistant who said...(3 guesses) they didn't know. Shocker. What it boils down to is he can't know for sure until he's in there. The plate and pins were put in in 1994 so there's probably a good bit of bone growth. What the Ortho can do (and of course didn't before I came in) is consult some equipment reps about the best way to get that stuff out. It's hard for me to find a positive note to end on.

Getting Prepared, if possible

It's coming, it's actually going to happen. It's not some distant date in the future it's next Thursday. Which means I have adapted my usual defense against the relentless marching forward of time, super duper get prepared mode.

Last time waaaaaaaay back in May after at least two false alarms and a last minute change in the type of precedure I was able to "get ready" in stages. This time denial and terror have caused me to fight the urge. I've done some cleaning and organizing, etc but the big deal is getting Riley sleeping on her own and weaning. I am filled with dread of abdoning my baby unprepared.

I go tomorrow for labwork and then the next day to the Ortho to sign consent forms it's so much reality. I keep hearing how much easier a hip replacement is than a spinal fusion. I don't think easy enters into this. Also I can't think of a damn thing that wouldn't be easier than spinal fusion surgery and I've survived being hit by a bus, 13 other orthopedic surgeries and labor. Let's change the pep talk stategy, folks.

On my relentless quest to be prepared I picked up a book that someone recommended after reading my blog The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night Let me digress and say I have never had the need to read a sleep book before I had back surgery and took my 9mo old (who was sleeping through the night in her crib) to bed with me for 3mos. I haven't read any before this one and only know other theroys on getting babies to sleep from word of mouth or internet mommy boards. This book is fantastic.

You can always tell when you're hearing the voice of experience. This book didn't judge me or throw always or never at me because it's wrtten by a mom. She gave me lots of chioces and backed her ideas up with provable facts. As a result I feel validated that I was doing alot of the right things already and that I'm not all alone transitioning a one year old to the crib. I feel like I have a better understanding of how Riley see's bedtime and I can therefore be more sensitive to making her feel secure.

I don't have the time or physical ability to for it 100%, but this book was written with a take what works and leave the rest approach. So, I press on towards next Thursday.

Feverish Fussy Foolishness

All day she screamed and fussed off and on. It was Tylenol, bath, nap, repeat. If she's like this tomorrow we're going to the doctor. She had a runny nose last week and then it cleared up on it's own and now fever and runny nose. My mom keeps telling me to watch out for the symptoms of ear infections, but I'm hoping this all has to do with teething. She's chewing her fingers a lot.

She was perkier in the afternoon so we headed to my cousin's son's (my 2nd cousin?)twelfth birthday party. It made me feel old to nap during the party yesterday, but it REALLY made me feel old that this child I've know since he was born is now turning 12!! It was quite an affair complete with a bounce house with a slide inside it. My other cousin who lives an hour away was there with her kids and Isaac was thrilled since he doesn't see them alot.

They had the bouncy in the front yard and the garage open with the food in there and then canopies to sit under in the back. They even had fans out back, but it was really hot. You never know in September in Florida, but it was a hot one. Of course Riley enjoyed the fan more than the boucy. After an hour or two Riley had had enough and even Isaac seemed to be coming unglued. I think the heat+2parties in 2 days was too much.

We were relieved to be home in the nice cool quiet after all the running around this weekend. I find it particularly challenging to balance the kids activities and sleep time on weekends so both kids seem to wind up over or underwhelmed pretty consistantly. At least Sept has afforded tons of opportunities for practicing I think we attended about 100 birthday parties this month ok maybe 6, but still.

By bedtime I was pretty confident this was a teeth issue, but nothing derails transitioning back to the crib like a sick baby. She spent the night with me.

PS: The teeth came through on the top on either side of her front teeth on 9/21

Fevers, Naps and Pirates

I noticed Riley felt hot yesterday which is typical because we have 2, that's right 2, birthday parties this weekend. Today started with a crabby, feverish baby and then some tylenol and a bath. After her nap she was alot cooler and calmer. So, we stuck out to a 6yr old's pirate themed party. With all the activity to distract her she did well for a while. I kept her inside for the most part to keep her cool but also because she was less likely to be crushed by stampeding boys in eye patches. I realized we have now left the phase of life when the kids can attend each other's friends parties. I either spend the whole time protecting the baby from the big boys or protecting the babies from Isaac. Besides, they should have there own events. She's not a tiny newborn I can take everywhere anymore, she's a toddler. She started to get warm again as the party wore on and although I made a crazed attempt to collect Isaac and get home somehow I ended up laying down on the couch with the baby (most of the party guests were out back at this point). We slept on the couch for a little over an hour while the party went on without us. I shake my head while I write this because I feel old. It was home for more Tyelnol and another cool down bath. Hopefully, my poor girl will feel better tomorrow.

I Love Toys

So we went shopping and got our VIB's (very important babies) birthday presents. I love picking out toys! I just love to find the right toy for each kid. Santa is missing an elf what can I say. There was this buy 2 get 1 free sale on Fisher Price and I decided we'd get presents for the VIBs and get Riley a free toy. This line of thought (Riley just had a birthday and her room is already bursting with toys.) is part of the reason we need to move into a bigger house. We have a very small house and alot of toys. Mike and I are equally guilty. I love the toys and rotating the ones in the bedroom and living room and getting new ones and passing old ones on to other babies and watching her grow and develop and use the same toy in different ways. I could go on forever, but since having a post that's one long run-on sentence (which I know would make some of my readers wag reproachful fingers at the monitor) I'll end it there. I digress, so I'm at Toy-R-Us or TRU as we've started calling it and sometimes just "that place" if we think Isaac's eavesdropping. I picked out birthday presents for three one year olds birthday presents (2 girls and 1 boy), one six year old boy and one twelve year old boy. What exactly is 9mo before Sept because there are TONS of birthdays?!? I also decided Riley needed this kitchen:

It's really awesome! Like all of her other Fisher Price toys it has four different modes (including imagination which makes everything work like it would in real live) so I'm always discovering new songs. I'm partical to "Shapes in My Refridgerator." She had it for about a week before she figured out the food fit through the holes in the fridge door, so smart. Anyway it's endless fun and a real space saver. I highly recommend it. Moving on, is anyone else a rewards member at TRU? I've yet to figure out what these "points" are earning me. I've spent a good deal of money and ended up with copious amounts of coupons, but is that the whole deal? I feel like I'm missing something. Back home with my bounty my fingers are itchier than the kids and having to put things away unopened is a bummer. Just knowing how much the recipients will enjoy these toys has my brain buzzing. I do want to clarify I'm not a label whore or a snob at all. Hand-me-down toys are often cooler than what you can buy new. Like our much beloved Incredacube:

We got ours at Sugar Babies on 16th and 30th my favorite place to buy second hand toys. It has alot of cool features, is a good solid place to pull up on and two or three babies can enjoy it together. My cousin uses hers as a foot stool after the kids go to sleep. Awesome toy especially if you score some of the talking blocks. Mike also has a co-worker who has passed down some neat toys. One of Riley's favorites is this book:

I LOVE this book. It is the go to car toy and keeps her busy for long periods of time in doctor's office waiting rooms. It sings and lights up and parts of it move. She's loved it since 3mo and is still always happy to entertain herself with it. This is a great gift for a one year old (I got one for one of her friends first birthday). So many toys, so little time (and space).

No Rest for the Weary

Yesterday Riley and her friends played at the splash pad all afternoon. Then Riley and Becca played until 8pm. She only took two little cat naps, 30min or less. By the time we got home little Miss Roo was out like a light. Unfortunately, as soon as she touched the crib mattress her eyes popped open like one of those blinkie dolls in reverse.

We had dinner and a bath and I nursed her in the nursery rocker. She fell asleep on me, but pulled the same wide-eyed routine when I put her in the crib. She cried briefly and then settled in to sleep. At midnight I woke up to screaming and in my usual confused sleepy stupor tried to get to the baby. Mike stopped me and reminded me of the plan. They talked, rocked, went for a stroll around the block and watched Pink Floyd music videos together until she fell back asleep. She slept until 6am and then I had to go in and nurse her for my sake. I held her and rocked her and she gulped like she was starving. She cried for for much longer when I put her back in the crib that time, but was asleep shortly. It was so nice to reclaim my bed. To climb in alone and roll around into any position I wanted. She woke up at 7am and was ready to start her day.

I got her dressed and put her down to play. Then I got Isaac up and ready for school. I let Mike sleep until the last minute. I felt tired, but accomplished. We made it through the first night of not bringing her to our bed. We were a great team and even though I didn't get lots of sleep the sleep I did get was deeper and more relaxed than any sleep I've had in a long time. It also felt good to get up and get the kids ready for the day like I used to. It's been an insanely long road and I can't believe I'm gonna start the whole thing over again.

The Plan, Stan

I decided weaning was the right choice and then I read this:
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/how_weaning_happens.html

I had intended to "see how it was done" to calm my apprehension about the two week window I have to work with. This information scared me to death. "Sudden Weaning" um, whoa! I don't want anyone to get hurt. Obviously I can't do child led weaning because surgery or not I'm not prepared to potentially breast feed for 4yrs. Which means I do a gradual wean and cross my fingers two weeks is enough time. I was feeling uneasy and alone in all this when I read this information.

It wasn't until I later discussed it with some other mommies that I felt less alienation and more resolve. I, like so many times since becoming a mother, stand at a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and think lots of other people have been here there has to be a way to get through it.

I read this Dr.Sears quote in the Le Leche League book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: "A wise baby who enjoys a happy nursing relationship is not likely to give it up willingly unless some other form of emotional nourishment is provided which is equally attractive or at least interestingly different."

Which at first seemed discouraging, but the book makes it clear that the key to weaning a baby Riley's age is substitution and distraction. So, I get a variety of appealing snacks for her to choice from and find alot of ways to keep her busy. That's seems doable even if their example of gradual weaning took six months (Yikes).

Mike and I discussed our team strategy, specifically which feeding to drop first at length. Since first and foremost we have to get this girl sleeping we decided the midnight feed was on the chopping block. I would nurse before bed and then only Mike would go into her room after that and only offer water. I also put my foot down and said she can not come to our bed anymore. She has to sleep and nurse elsewhere from now on.

You should bear in mind my post about what happens to plans in this house, but I'm determined. Good Night, fingers crossed.

MOOOOO!

Yesterday was Monday. I let Riley sleep naked to get air on her rash and she thanked me by peeing on me and the carpet first thing. She followed up that performance by blowing out not 1 but 2 diapers in a row! That's when I decided I needed to clue in the pediatrician to all the pooping and subsequent diaper rash. His theory (and I agreed) was that it had something to do with the cow's milk. He suggested I try 2% instead of whole. I decided it was better to avoid it all together until her digestion returns to normal. She was not herself all morning, but seemed a little better by the evening. I took her to bed with me anyway. Don't judge me, sick babies get special consideration.

This morning I decided after two unreturned messages to my lactation consultant to go to mommy group and ask her about Riley's waking up in the middle of the night and weaning before surgery. I got Riley and I ready and then realized I haven't been to group without another older baby mommy since the surgery. The thought of Riley and all those new babies and no one to play with seemed overwhelming so I changed my mind.

The way I see it I never intended to breast feed longer than a year, but than again that was an arbitrary deadline I made when it seemed like forever. I also did plan on that year including multiple major surgeries. That being said there is only 2 weeks until my hip replacement (YIKES!!). I don't like the idea of trying to hurry up and wean. I'm afraid the combination of hormones from that dreaded first postpartum period plus all the emotions involved in weaning and post surgical depression on the horizon will completely overwhelm me. I'd rather not follow my hospitalization with commitment to a mental institution. I also know for sure that those lovely breastfeeding endorphins kept the depression at bay and beyond that cuddling and feeding Riley made me feel like I wasn't completely useless as a mom before I could do anything else.

Mike suggested at one point I go away for the weekend and when I came back the baby would be weaned. It horrified me to consider such a thing. I'm so scared to make her sleep in the crib and than stop nursing her and then disappear to the hospital for 3ish days. Abandonment issues? Selfishly and irrationally I also know people have to bring the baby to me in the hospital if I'm breast feeding. On the flip side having a baby climbing on me post surgery last time caused me a fair amount of pain. I survived once so maybe it'll be less harrowing this time. In addition to all that I keep thinking if not now, then when?

So after all the back and forth I thought I had settled on weaning once I'm home from the hospital, but being who I am I needed to finish all my research to feel good about my decision. It's funny because everyone talks about how hard and scary starting to breast feed is, but no one told me I'd feel real fear at the idea of stopping. My lactation consultant called me back this evening and if you can believe it told me it's ok to stop breastfeeding. She told me I need to take care of myself and having surgery while still healing from another one is not a good time to have a toddler scaling you. She told me I won't be able to lie one my side after the hip surgery and that they'll have me up and active a lot more in the hospital this time. Safety concerns, deminished opportunity, and huge question marks still about the procedure coupled with timing all excellent points. Sigh.

Putting healing first this time? Nice and terrifing to be honest with you. I can't think about it too much because there's so much emotion in it. She had a few helpful suggestions about how to get Riley to sleep through the night, snack right before bed and no milk of any kind at night. Let Daddy give her water if she wakes up until she decides it's not worth getting up for water. She also said she's seen babies have the issue Riley's having when they drink non-organic milk because of the antibiotics in it and that organic 2% is thick enough to use for babies. Makes a lot of sense.

Moooo?!?!

Please Explain This "According to Plan"

Even though it's Sunday and that is supposed to mean I sleep in and Mike gets up with kids, he did not. Even though the plan was for Riley to stay in her own bed come hell or high water last night, she did not. Even though my computer was supposed to be fixed and ready for me to complete my current photo project for my online mommy group (that I have to finish before my surgery), it is not. Even though I thought (probably assumed without asking) that maybe my mom would stay the night again tonight and be here for my dreaded Monday morning, she isn't. Even though every reason I have for not weaning sounds perfectly logical to me and Mike should understand, he does not.

Today dragged from the first moment I opened my eyes. I tried to enjoy the quiet Sunday morning with the kids and my mom, but I was just so darn tired. Around 11:30 my sleepy, but peaceful attitude was shattered by a malfunctioning VCR (you heard me! I have 20+ years of kids movies built up from my childhood so we have a VCR). It was suddenly infuriating that Mike was still in bed. So, even though the plan was to cook at home until Mike's next paycheck, I decided not to. After the VCR was fixed, the movie over and Riley had napped I had to get out. Mom, Riley and I ran out to grab lunch at McDonalds for everybody so I could regroup.

After lunch Mom left and Riley took another nap. I was antsy and tired of being home so even though it was a school night I jumped at a chance to take Riley to her friend's house to play at 5pm. I knew they would feed us so I instructed Mike to make the pizza in the freezer for Isaac and himself. Again, that plan did not happen.

Riley and I had a great time visiting our friends, but at dinner my usually amazing eater, wasn't. She screamed and screeched and threw food back at me. She has never done that before. When we investigated we found she had one of countless poopy diapers that day, but more disturbing that was her bright red, swollen skin. Even though I had just told the pediatrician with unimaginable relief that she'd been all clear down there for a while, now she wasn't. I could have cried.

When Mike came to pick us up I found myself in the Taco Bell drive through at 9pm with a screaming, tired, rashy baby in the back seat because the boys lost track of time and never ate the pizza. So not the plan.

In the end everyone was fed and in bed by 9:30. There's pizza for another night. The world did not end as a result of not a single thing going according to plan. I was tired, but what's new?

Deep Breath, no time to dwell not today. We can't it's Rex Manning Day...er tomorrow's Monday.

PS-added 9/14: As I sat editing this Miss Roo was happily having naked time to air out the rash and won herself an early bath by pooping all over herself. It was defiantly not in the plan for the evening, nor did it fit in our bedtime routine. Babies!!

Progress is Measured in Inches

I have been insisting Riley nap in her crib. Even though we always nurse first and I always give her lots of affection when telling her it's nap time she still objects to sleeping in her own bed. Which meant it was finally "cry it out" time. I remember the first day napping in the crib she cried for 45min before she went down. Aside from that she took a half nap (30-45min) both times that day. It was gut wrenching for me. I had to go outside and call a friend for support. I stuck to it though.

Today it paid off. The first nap she took Riley cried for a mere 10minutes and then slept her customary hour and a half. Hallelujah! I was so excited to have built up some momentum and also completely terrified it would never - happen - again. When I put her down for her next nap that day it was only 12minutes of crying and an acceptable 1hr nap.

We've conquered naps, but the battle over sleeping in her crib at night rages on. It's partially because it's linked to the wean or don't wean debate. We have a night time routine of dinner, bath with relaxing Johnson's Bedtime Bath, pajamas, story time (The Going to Bed Book), nursing and then into the crib. She usually sleeps from 9 or 10 until midnight or 1am before she's up crying. At this point she's old enough that she shouldn't need to eat at night and for a few months before the surgery she wasn't. It's habit now from sleeping with me and a good way to get back to mommy's bed.

I have to admit I'm not holding up as well at night. I sleep soundly for the first 3hours and wake up in a panic because she's crying. I lay there anxious trying to focus on tv, but it's alot harder than ignoring her crying when I'm busy during the day. I try not to go in at all after bedtime. Mike will sometimes rock her and sing to her or bring her a sippy of cow's milk.

That is a current point of contention because I don't think replacing breast feeding with a cup of milk is going to break the habit, but I digress. Sometimes daddy prevails and she settles in until 4am, but at that point after 15-30minutes of crying I always cave. Sometimes midnight goes badly and we give up at that point.

So, will tonight be the night we really stick to our guns and let her cry it out all night? I know I have to be tough, but talk about easier said than done. Also, I'm just not sure about weening before my surgery or not. Everything is so complicated and intricate...

One Year Check Up

Riley went for her one year check up today. She read books in the waiting room and watched the big kids come and go, so grown up! She weighs 18lbs (10th percentile). Her pediatrician says she's just doing her own thing with her weight. She's 27in long (5oth percentile). We're supposed to watch her runny nose a few more days, but otherwise she's healthy. She on track for milestones, he didn't even ask about walking. He gave us the green light to give her cow's milk. As far as advice on weening I supposed no matter how educated a man is he's still a man because all he said was "just refuse her." We went to play with Riley's friend after the appointment and she had a great time. She had some shots and an insufficient naps so we hit cranky time full force. She slept from 3-7:30 and then woke up and played. We gave her cow's milk to try, but she kept drinking it and spitting it out. I think partially because it was 2%, babies and mommies growing bones need whole milk. She slept in our bed again because she was feverish and I was too tired to insist on the crib. It doesn't seem like we've made much progress getting her to sleep in her own bed if any. I really need her to sleep on her own so I can catch up on sleep and so I won't worry as much while I'm in the hospital. One year, it went by fast...

Hedgehogs, Hedgehogs Everywhere

Hedgehog Party Dress: Daddy made it. Red cordoroy, cream linen, homemade hedgehog patch. Riley loved it.

Hedgehog Smash Cake: My friend Diana made the cakes for me.

Hedgehog Cake: Isn't she beautiful?

The Hedgehog Fort: We bought the structure and fabric, but Mike carved the hedgehog face out of foam.

Hedgehog Watermelon: Doreen made this for us from a picture we found. And lots and lots of hedgehog decorations!!

The next morning on her actual birthday Riley woke up in such a good mood she said "play" and when we went into her room she looked at each of her new toys in turn and said "hi". (: It was a wonderful party with lots of good friends and cake. It was a party full of love and hedgehogs!